Toast A Nigerian Girl

The Nigerian girl is a work of art. Yes some girls can be a piece of work, but we have living sculptures in our midst. I saw Munachi Abi recently in a Lux soap ad, and I did a double take. Some adverse comments were thrown her way by critics who felt she did not merit it. A few readers also questioned her beauty, and others nearly bit their heads off. Constructive criticism has been hailed as the new ‘haterism’. Somehow I agree with a few of them though, Muna should not have been in a Lux shoot. She should have been chosen for the Venus De Milo soap ad – Muna is that lovely.

What is it though with Nigerian ex-beauty queens and soap ads? Muna fitted the bill, but maybe advertising companies should mix it up a bit. Like Tuface in a Gold Circle condom advert or Banky W in a Wahl Clipper one. Or say 9ice advertising Slim Fast, or Tonto Dike rooting for Anabel phones.

Even the soap suds did nothing to diminish Muna’s beauty, but  I am surprised to see that Lux lathers that well. In fact well enough to out-perform most soap bubble products. The last time I saw a soap lather like that, my hair started turning red like Rihanna’s own – it was boarding school, and my cheap aunt had bought me the Life-Buoy soap to save pennies. That darn soap.

I remember the last beauty product advert I saw that had a beauty queen in it – it was Nike Oshinowo. She had her nose screwed up like the product smelled like ass. Aunt Nike is still hot though.

 I’m not here to swoon over the Nigerian woman. Nah. At a risk of turning away potential viewers and upsetting my awesome readership, I have posted some articles here which have had me walking a thin line. Upset the Nigerian female blog reader at your peril. Naija guys are always cool about most things as long as it does not affect the 5 Bs –  Business, Ball, Benz, Babes and Bucks. In fact ‘Girls We Love and Hate’ spurned a fantastic reply by the gorgeous Mimi B. And I know she is gorgeous, if nothing, by how well she writes.

How do you chat up a Nigerian lass. Well, first of all is there is a typical Nigerian lass? No. I thought I had seen it all until I watched Blackberry Babes. I always knew there are Nigerian girls with different temperaments, drives and tastes. I was shocked to learn that there was a 420^th category – girls who wake up their husbands in the middle of the night to demand a blackberry device or else they would leave for ever. Ok, let me get your ‘silpas’ for you.

 I tried to make this as general as possible to help out the brothers. Girls complain that they come well turned out to an event, and all the fellas are ‘jonzing’ in a corner discussing football and Arsenal’s latest epic failure again. This is just a pointer, and would not work on all manners of girls. Female readers, please chip in with your comments and advice.

Disclaimer: Do not use on ‘Runs Girls’. It could be hazardous to your wealth, sorry, health.

 

• DO: First of all get yourself right. Dude, do not spend a mil on a flash Honda orToyota sedan without investing in your personal appearance. I wont go on and on about what kind of clothes to wear. Check out ThisDay style on Sunday, if you can manage to prise it away from your girl’s grip.

 Get a good deodorant/anti-pespirant. Never ever get your ‘roll on’ without using a ‘roll on.’ And no, using dusting powder there would not work in lieu of a deodorant. – it would only make you look like ‘Willy Willy’ of the 90s TV fame or that villain in the James Bond movie ‘Live and Let Die.’

  Get a nice hair-cut. We are lucky in this Naija sef. Most places can cut your hair for N500 or less. Compare that to Jand; when I first went, my hair became like Ras Kimono’s own because I could not get myself to pay 20pounds for a haircut. If you cannot afford to fork out N500 every fortnight, invest in a N5000 Wahl Clipper, get 2 big mirrors and shave ‘gorimakpa’. Yeah, get your ‘Talab Abass’ on.

If you are still too cheap to afford the above, go for chicks who scratch their weave with an Eleganza biro cover, or ask your dad for one of those his old school combs which had a metal teeth with a clenched fist as the handle. Or go under Ojuelegba bridge, there are local barbers there who would cut your hair with a razor blade and a comb combo. Stop at the hospital to test for AIDS on your way back though.

Also watch the back of your head. You may grow a shave bump the size of a guinea-fowl egg some days after.

It won’t be a bad idea to get a good cologne. I would personally recommend ‘Miracle By Lancome.’  A chick magnet.

• DON’T: Please don’t start with lame lines like ‘Excuse me, I think I have met you somewhere before’ once you have zeroed in on your target girl. Many Nigerian chicks are olofofos, and may ask you where you had met them. In fact unless, you are a part-time babalawo, or have a really slick tongue, do not use the above line unless you have very interesting specifics.

   Do use this either ‘I like your scent. What are you wearing? Let me guess – Weakness For Men.’ This only works for drunk oyibo girls, and not ‘shan’t-gree’ or ‘open eye’ Naija babes. Don’t say stuff like ‘What a nice smile you have. Do you use Darbur Herbal toothpaste too?’

Paying her a compliment is a good idea, but subtlety is key so it does not sound ordinary.

• DO: Appear confident and assertive. People always outline this point in men’s magazines like Esquire and GQ as if it were that easy all the time, and women have also confirmed that confidence is attractive. I have heard this advice summed up in the following contradictory form – Be funny, not comical, witty not needy, flatter but do not scatter. Ok o.

 First of all, every chap must be prepared to approach and chat up babes in Nigeria as Naija chicks do not usually (note the key word ‘usually’) do the approaching. They are full of shakara – unless you look like me (just joking), or are famous or minted. Deal with it.

 Why do you think we use the slang ‘block’ for approaching girls. You are supposed to approach the babe and ‘cut’ her off her destination smoothly, while proving your case. Unless her hair is in a mess, and she is rushing to the salon or so I heard. When I first came back to Nigeria, I had to re-learn how to ‘block’ babes in public places because I had forgotten. In Jand, all I had to do was wear a really smart black shirt, spray Miracle by Lancome (Love Portion No. 9), go to the disco/pop dance-floor of the club, separate from my mates, and start doing my one-two step. A babe would soon start mimicking my steps, and step in front of me, and I would take it from there. Trust me it works all the time – or used to work, before the recession started.

 When I came back to Nigeria, I discovered that I had left my game-face behind. At one of the first events I went to, I discovered the Babes Are Not Smiling brigade. I tried to make some conversation with a rather straight-faced chick who was sitting next to me in a really snug dress, with my lame starter: ‘Funny weather, eh? Almost 80 degrees Fahrenheit…’

The babe screwed up her face, as she hissed ‘Ehen, and then?’

Wetin concern Matthias with matter, abi?

• DON’T: You may want to mind how you use free midnight calls to chat with her especially when you are till getting to know her. Especially unless a rapport has already been established or you guys have properly gelled.

Don’t worry Esco is not trying to blow a hole in your pocket, but I have noticed that ‘awoof dey run bele’. When you pay for credit, and make a call, you generally talk more ‘sense’ (sensibly) because you are more efficient with your yarns. Watch Ibo traders who call their customers – they are precise with their game.

In my early twenties, when we were serial skirt-chasers, my friend used to activate the phone beep timer that some Nokia phones have which beeps every minute during a call so that he could time his yarns with any new chick he was chatting up. His sequence went like this, with every beep:

Beep 1: Introduction and greetings (How far?)

Beep 2:  How did your day go

Beep 3: Invitation to his house to ‘hang out’

Beep 4: Round up conversation

Beep 5: Last chance to end call

Beep 6: End call *by any means necessary*

Thanks to Glo for introducing per-second billing, eh? Before, na wire o.

Beware of over-using BB chats o. Mis-yarn can easily enter o.

• DON’T:  Do not ask her out – not even when you guys have obvious chemistry and fancy the pants off each other. Yes, I said that. I know some of you are thinking that Esco has lost his marbles.

Picture this scenario – you guys share long chats on the phone, talking about things you do not even remember afterwards, you go to watch movies at Genesis and end up looking at each other instead ( a waste of N1,000 if you ask me). You have even been a bit intimate – a light stroke of her thigh, a smooch with plenty of tongue. Then you the fella, goes and does something stupid by asking her the most needless six-word question ever conceived by menfolk: ‘Would you go out with me?’  This is a well kept ‘game’ secret – Never ever ask a chick a question, to which she could say yes. Or no. You have gotta squeeze yourself into the perfect situation, stay there and keep your mouth shut. If it looks like it, then it is it. If you and a girl are ‘coasting’ while try to put a label on it, if what is happening already is what you fancy.

A friend of mine once made this mistake many moons ago. He and this chick Ije were really into each other. They were always chatting on the phone, and met up a couple of times. Then one day, as they were out getting some take-away, dude popped the magic question ‘Ije would you go out with me?’

Munching into her roll, she thought about it for a fleeting moment before she answered ‘I would go out with nobody but you.’

It wasn’t the answer he wanted.

They never did ‘go out’ steady after that.

Well at least she didn’t say no.

So there you have it. I think girls should tell us how best they want to be ‘toasted’. We are all ears.

 

I just creep up from behind/

And ask what your interests are, “who you be with?”/

Things to make you smile, what numbers to dial/

Notorious B.I.G (Big Poppa, 1994)