Toast A Nigerian Girl

The Nigerian girl is a work of art. Yes some girls can be a piece of work, but we have living sculptures in our midst. I saw Munachi Abi recently in a Lux soap ad, and I did a double take. Some adverse comments were thrown her way by critics who felt she did not merit it. A few readers also questioned her beauty, and others nearly bit their heads off. Constructive criticism has been hailed as the new ‘haterism’. Somehow I agree with a few of them though, Muna should not have been in a Lux shoot. She should have been chosen for the Venus De Milo soap ad – Muna is that lovely.

What is it though with Nigerian ex-beauty queens and soap ads? Muna fitted the bill, but maybe advertising companies should mix it up a bit. Like Tuface in a Gold Circle condom advert or Banky W in a Wahl Clipper one. Or say 9ice advertising Slim Fast, or Tonto Dike rooting for Anabel phones.

Even the soap suds did nothing to diminish Muna’s beauty, but  I am surprised to see that Lux lathers that well. In fact well enough to out-perform most soap bubble products. The last time I saw a soap lather like that, my hair started turning red like Rihanna’s own – it was boarding school, and my cheap aunt had bought me the Life-Buoy soap to save pennies. That darn soap.

I remember the last beauty product advert I saw that had a beauty queen in it – it was Nike Oshinowo. She had her nose screwed up like the product smelled like ass. Aunt Nike is still hot though.

 I’m not here to swoon over the Nigerian woman. Nah. At a risk of turning away potential viewers and upsetting my awesome readership, I have posted some articles here which have had me walking a thin line. Upset the Nigerian female blog reader at your peril. Naija guys are always cool about most things as long as it does not affect the 5 Bs –  Business, Ball, Benz, Babes and Bucks. In fact ‘Girls We Love and Hate’ spurned a fantastic reply by the gorgeous Mimi B. And I know she is gorgeous, if nothing, by how well she writes.

How do you chat up a Nigerian lass. Well, first of all is there is a typical Nigerian lass? No. I thought I had seen it all until I watched Blackberry Babes. I always knew there are Nigerian girls with different temperaments, drives and tastes. I was shocked to learn that there was a 420th category – girls who wake up their husbands in the middle of the night to demand a blackberry device or else they would leave for ever. Ok, let me get your ‘silpas’ for you.

 I tried to make this as general as possible to help out the brothers. Girls complain that they come well turned out to an event, and all the fellas are ‘jonzing’ in a corner discussing football and Arsenal’s latest epic failure again. This is just a pointer, and would not work on all manners of girls. Female readers, please chip in with your comments and advice.

Disclaimer: Do not use on ‘Runs Girls’. It could be hazardous to your wealth, sorry, health.

 

  • DO: First of all get yourself right. Dude, do not spend a mil on a flash Honda orToyota sedan without investing in your personal appearance. I wont go on and on about what kind of clothes to wear. Check out ThisDay style on Sunday, if you can manage to prise it away from your girl’s grip.

 Get a good deodorant/anti-pespirant. Never ever get your ‘roll on’ without using a ‘roll on.’ And no, using dusting powder there would not work in lieu of a deodorant. – it would only make you look like ‘Willy Willy’ of the 90s TV fame or that villain in the James Bond movie ‘Live and Let Die.’

  Get a nice hair-cut. We are lucky in this Naija sef. Most places can cut your hair for N500 or less. Compare that to Jand; when I first went, my hair became like Ras Kimono’s own because I could not get myself to pay 20pounds for a haircut. If you cannot afford to fork out N500 every fortnight, invest in a N5000 Wahl Clipper, get 2 big mirrors and shave ‘gorimakpa’. Yeah, get your ‘Talab Abass’ on.

If you are still too cheap to afford the above, go for chicks who scratch their weave with an Eleganza biro cover, or ask your dad for one of those his old school combs which had a metal teeth with a clenched fist as the handle. Or go under Ojuelegba bridge, there are local barbers there who would cut your hair with a razor blade and a comb combo. Stop at the hospital to test for AIDS on your way back though.

Also watch the back of your head. You may grow a shave bump the size of a guinea-fowl egg some days after.

It won’t be a bad idea to get a good cologne. I would personally recommend ‘Miracle By Lancome.’  A chick magnet.

  • DON’T: Please don’t start with lame lines like ‘Excuse me, I think I have met you somewhere before’ once you have zeroed in on your target girl. Many Nigerian chicks are olofofos, and may ask you where you had met them. In fact unless, you are a part-time babalawo, or have a really slick tongue, do not use the above line unless you have very interesting specifics.

   Do use this either ‘I like your scent. What are you wearing? Let me guess – Weakness For Men.’ This only works for drunk oyibo girls, and not ‘shan’t-gree’ or ‘open eye’ Naija babes. Don’t say stuff like ‘What a nice smile you have. Do you use Darbur Herbal toothpaste too?’

Paying her a compliment is a good idea, but subtlety is key so it does not sound ordinary.

  • DO: Appear confident and assertive. People always outline this point in men’s magazines like Esquire and GQ as if it were that easy all the time, and women have also confirmed that confidence is attractive. I have heard this advice summed up in the following contradictory form – Be funny, not comical, witty not needy, flatter but do not scatter. Ok o.

 First of all, every chap must be prepared to approach and chat up babes in Nigeria as Naija chicks do not usually (note the key word ‘usually’) do the approaching. They are full of shakara – unless you look like me (just joking), or are famous or minted. Deal with it.

 Why do you think we use the slang ‘block’ for approaching girls. You are supposed to approach the babe and ‘cut’ her off her destination smoothly, while proving your case. Unless her hair is in a mess, and she is rushing to the salon or so I heard. When I first came back to Nigeria, I had to re-learn how to ‘block’ babes in public places because I had forgotten. In Jand, all I had to do was wear a really smart black shirt, spray Miracle by Lancome (Love Portion No. 9), go to the disco/pop dance-floor of the club, separate from my mates, and start doing my one-two step. A babe would soon start mimicking my steps, and step in front of me, and I would take it from there. Trust me it works all the time – or used to work, before the recession started.

 When I came back to Nigeria, I discovered that I had left my game-face behind. At one of the first events I went to, I discovered the Babes Are Not Smiling brigade. I tried to make some conversation with a rather straight-faced chick who was sitting next to me in a really snug dress, with my lame starter: ‘Funny weather, eh? Almost 80 degrees Fahrenheit…’

The babe screwed up her face, as she hissed ‘Ehen, and then?’

Wetin concern Matthias with matter, abi?

  • DON’T: You may want to mind how you use free midnight calls to chat with her especially when you are till getting to know her. Especially unless a rapport has already been established or you guys have properly gelled.

Don’t worry Esco is not trying to blow a hole in your pocket, but I have noticed that ‘awoof dey run bele’. When you pay for credit, and make a call, you generally talk more ‘sense’ (sensibly) because you are more efficient with your yarns. Watch Ibo traders who call their customers – they are precise with their game.

In my early twenties, when we were serial skirt-chasers, my friend used to activate the phone beep timer that some Nokia phones have which beeps every minute during a call so that he could time his yarns with any new chick he was chatting up. His sequence went like this, with every beep:

Beep 1: Introduction and greetings (How far?)

Beep 2:  How did your day go

Beep 3: Invitation to his house to ‘hang out’

Beep 4: Round up conversation

Beep 5: Last chance to end call

Beep 6: End call *by any means necessary*

Thanks to Glo for introducing per-second billing, eh? Before, na wire o.

Beware of over-using BB chats o. Mis-yarn can easily enter o.

  • DON’T:  Do not ask her out – not even when you guys have obvious chemistry and fancy the pants off each other. Yes, I said that. I know some of you are thinking that Esco has lost his marbles.

Picture this scenario – you guys share long chats on the phone, talking about things you do not even remember afterwards, you go to watch movies at Genesis and end up looking at each other instead ( a waste of N1,000 if you ask me). You have even been a bit intimate – a light stroke of her thigh, a smooch with plenty of tongue. Then you the fella, goes and does something stupid by asking her the most needless six-word question ever conceived by menfolk: ‘Would you go out with me?’  This is a well kept ‘game’ secret – Never ever ask a chick a question, to which she could say yes. Or no. You have gotta squeeze yourself into the perfect situation, stay there and keep your mouth shut. If it looks like it, then it is it. If you and a girl are ‘coasting’ while try to put a label on it, if what is happening already is what you fancy.

A friend of mine once made this mistake many moons ago. He and this chick Ije were really into each other. They were always chatting on the phone, and met up a couple of times. Then one day, as they were out getting some take-away, dude popped the magic question ‘Ije would you go out with me?’

Munching into her roll, she thought about it for a fleeting moment before she answered ‘I would go out with nobody but you.’

It wasn’t the answer he wanted.

They never did ‘go out’ steady after that.

Well at least she didn’t say no.

So there you have it. I think girls should tell us how best they want to be ‘toasted’. We are all ears.

 

I just creep up from behind/

And ask what your interests are, “who you be with?”/

Things to make you smile, what numbers to dial/

Notorious B.I.G (Big Poppa, 1994)

37 responses

  1. hahahaha! you’re so funny, i’ll totally go on a date with ya!😛
    OMG i officially lose interest in guys that use the “do i know u from somewhere?” as an opening act. Its like, get more creative jor.. mschew.
    I am a firm believer in “a guy should work extra hard for a girl’s attention”. If you’re witty thats a plus.. goodlooks can only take you so far.

  2. U made me break my long-held no comment policy….ur post was worth it though..

    LoL @ the Babes Are Not Smiling Brigade

    “‘Funny weather, eh? Almost 80 degrees Fahrenheit…’

    The babe screwed up her face, as she hissed ‘Ehen, and then?’”

    LoL…imagining the facial expression of the girl alone cracks me up every time, on a more serious note the attitude is bewildering…I still don’t see the harm in a polite response…

  3. I think the way you dress and carry yourself is extremely important.But I cannot stand pulling your trousers down till you look like your about to fall even though you have a BELT on!!!
    Diction is also important as well, I hear some men trying to fake a really bad accent,if your not Hugh Laurie, Renee Zellweger or practised a lot please don’t try.
    From there maybe we can strike a conversation……….

  4. Ahem!

    How should I put this? You deserve recognition award o – your game is brilliant in blogville.

    OK

    On appearance – You are right about appearing smart and not wearing Daddy’s ‘Old Spice’.

    On Opening lines – Guys please why do you think you need one? If you have got the confidence to talk to a Sistah which indeed is daunting enough simply say hello! Do you have to go spoil it all by talking about the weather in Lagos/Nigeria? That line is no longer ‘now’ even in London/England where you can have the 4 seasons in one single day. Simply say hi. If Sistah has done her ‘mental sizing up’ and she has given you access to ‘Chatville’ you can tell from how sweetly her face is set or if she belongs to the ‘Brigade’ described above. Sistahs are wonderful in the ‘LOOK’ game and you cant blame us, its rather hereditary because in those days, Mummy doesnt tell you to ‘stop being silly’ when you have guests around or visiting. One single look and you either quieten down/behave yourself or you get a gbosai or a smack good nite.

    On asking her out ‘officially’ this is one with a mixed feeling. These days a Sistah might just want to check if the game is ‘home’ or ‘away’.With the recent Arsenal performance in the England premier league at home and away, you don’t want to take chances with a brotha. Unless a Sistah is ‘officially’ not ready to settle down; my brotha you don’t want to hear about your own assumed proposal to the Sistah from your own mother. Yeah some Sistahs are that creative!

    ‘Nuff said.

    Ku5hite Black

    • Ku5hite about making it official. I’ve been in a relationship with a guy and wasn’t quite sure if we were in a relationship or not. I hate to admit it, but I had to ask the dreaded, ‘what am i to you?’ question. To my horror, in the silly boy’s head we were not in a relationship even though we were in everything but name. Immediately i knew where he stood, i was out of there in a shot.
      There’s not more irritating than a man wanting to eat his cake and have it. Be bold – declare your position. Besides most girls i know like a man that’s confident and bold, not ashamed to let them know what’s up.

      On the opening line thing – please ditch it. Just be normal. See a girl, walk up to her and strike a decent conversation about something reasonable and not the weather. Even in London if someone should ‘block’ me with weather yarns, all he’ll get is a polite smile and me walking away – sharply!

      oh and please can men stop hollering at girls! I know this wasn’t in the post, but i’m just reminded of the disgust most men cause especially in the summer when there’s a lot of flesh on display – please for the love of all things decent – stick your tongue back in!!!

      http://www.msluffa.wordpress.com

      • Ms Luffa – I completely agree!
        On making it official – I had a similar experience. I asked the dreaded ‘where we are at’ and Mr Man went gaga. Thank God he did! I met my husband shortly after.

        Thank you Ms Luffa – if a guy wants to make conversation – it is not supposed to be an examination. You arent opening a case at Old Bailey for crying out loud!

        The only way you can get a guy to stop hollering is to have a pepper spray at close range – last time I checked, we are all entitled to our ‘personal space’ at work and socially lol

  5. “…..Stop at the hospital to test for AIDS on your way back though” Buahahahaha!
    You know what they say, cheap article dey run belle.

    About personal grooming, Esco pls tell them o. Guys need to stop deceving themselves with the whole “Why can’t she like me the way I am?” nonsense, no one was born with underarm sweat patches and dirty finger nails. For fellas that refuse to adjust, like you said, Ms.’Eleganza Biro Weave scratcher’ awaits ur sweaty embrace.

    I’d like to add one more thing. Guys, when you’re trying to chat up a girl and its ovbious its not working out, simply count your losses and walk away. Do NOT insist on flogging a dead horse by turning into a nag/stalker, harassing her for her phone number, illegally obtaining it and then calling her up at all hours of the night and day. Very not cool.

  6. lol!! this is hilarious! i totally agree with u but… BUT!
    You might not necesarily ‘ask a girl out’ but u need to let her know what she means to you.,.. cos really these days.. guys are fine to have everything with u but be nothing to u. had a similar experience… months of good chats, hang outs, calls… i ask ‘ what is this we have’? and he says he thinks we shud go with the flow.. oh boy! the flow took me all the way out of his zones. I cudnt be another notch on ur scorecard. had to leave.

  7. @angelamanda – Cheers, glad you enjoyed. Come again, soon?

    @ kit-kat – Girls worldwide seem to agree that wit and humour is attractive. Hence Basketmouth beats Van Vicker, right?
    I think i also fancy a lass who is easy to be with as well. BTW, i like kit-kat too. Lol

    @ Conferencier – wow your name almost made me shatter my keyboard while typing it. Lol. That babe almost wanted to bite my head off cause I make a small remark about the weather. Although to be fair, we were in an indoor hall, and she was wearing knock-off Rayban shades. Lol

    @ Mimi – so the guy must hold his trousers up with a belt and speak clear English to have a chance with u? Fair enough. Lol

    @ Shamtest – you can’t seem to see this page on your phone? Please reboot your ‘blackboory”. Lol

    @Kushite & Ms Luffa – to be fair, opening lines may be unnecessary but they are only criticized when they do not come off. Off course, there are the really cheesy ones, but lets be honest, girls would get fed up if all the chaps who walked up to them started with a lame ‘Hello, my name is Bond. James…”

    Some chaps do take it too far, but all in fair in love and war.

    Lol@ Old Bailey case,
    As per, the pepper spray thing, haba now. U remind me of those girls in old Nigerian music videos in the 80s who slapped a guy for toasting them.

    @Mimi B – Cheers. Knowing when to quit ‘toasting’ and cutting losses is all well and good. I have also heard it said that ‘when a girl says no, she may mean yes’ Some chaps literally take that advice, so do not blame them

    @ muneerah87 – Cheers. Its the guy’s loss jare. I agree with letting her know what you are worth.
    *sings ‘You remind me of my jeep….’* Lol

  8. I laughed out loud a lot, while reading.

    I’d like to add that, Nigerian guys (people really) should not assume that a conservative girl is a religious person.

  9. @ NK – Yeah most people mix being conservative with being religious. Why is that an issue though with how you toast a girl?

    @ Mimi – Yeah a good start. What else is important to you

  10. I really like your blog! It cracks me up each time!
    I’m speaking for myself, i think i prefer it when a guy tries to be my friend first. Keep it simple, lets have an intelligent/interesting conversation first, you ask for my number, if i give it to you and pick your calls and speak to you………in fact if i call u back, then you know I’m interested. Don’t try to hump my leg from the beginning or force a kiss on the first date……..
    I’m a non fronting Nigerian girl. i don’t have time for games at all. Can’t it be simple?

    • Glad you like. I think I really get what floats your boat. U prefer when a guy and you have a rapport first which develops into a relationship. First bro-mance then romance, right?
      Lol@ trying to hump your leg. Like a randy chihuahua dog right?
      Really I wish all lasses did not have time for games. Cant it be all so simple? Cant we all get along?
      I’m a bit like you to be frank.
      You know what? I like you already. Lol.
      Hope you return again and again. Here’s to more laughs on your visits

  11. I love yor blog!!!
    i LOL..ed all through and had to share with friends.

    Deodorant Deodorant Deodorant…..some cute guys get this wrong and that totally removes the ‘cuteness’ or ‘handsome-ness’….. from them.

    Now that i ve found this blog………’i will be back’

  12. @ Gbemi – Oh behave. Lol

    @ Anittta – And I love you back. Please share with your friends, and leave some for your enemies too. Even over-sensitive thugs need hugs. Lol.

    Someone once said that she finds it weird that some people would sport expensive sun-glasses but refuse to buy/use a deodorant. When that happens, not only can they not see properly, but they also reek of sweat as well. # Not winning.

    You better be back. I will be waiting.

    But seriously, cheers for stopping by. You may also want to add us Twitter @Escowoah.
    N.B: I am still trying to come out of my Twitter-shell.

  13. hahaha nice blog very funny honestly. tanks for telling the bruvas that lines that start with you look familiar , i think we have met before suck big time why cant they be real original and just talk be themselves honestly i enjoy meeting guys and some have really impressed me they are just real.all those books on how to chat the pants off a girl and seven ways to be successful with ladies dont help and guys avoid them please its not that hard nor is it rocket science? imagine having to meet a girls father[like mine] a guy who cant be himself wont survive

  14. Hi,
    I like your blog!
    Yep, funny guys rule.
    I also like bromance before romance.
    I don’t see anything wrong with the weather question.
    Global warming / climate change is a big issue now. I would have probably responded with a witty comment along those lines.
    I don’t believe there is a “BAD” opening line unless the guy is being outrightly rude but then it still boils down to the personality of the recipent.
    Personally, I like a guy who knows what he wants especially when he knows he’s ready to move from b-romance
    I actually prefer the dreaded question, nothing beats being upfront.
    So Esco would you go out with me?

    • I would, I will…lol,

      And thank u jare; what is wrong with the weather question? As far as it is smooth, it gets a pass, right? I like ur style already

  15. when i was serving our great country, I was wearing my NYSC uniform and this guy sits beside me in a BRT bus and he`s like, “Hello, Are you a corper?”. Duh, i guess i should say “No, its halloween, and this is my costume”

  16. lol…lol….lol……4uni blog……tnkz man! I rilli enjoyd ur flowz!!!…..bt Is it adviceble 2 use ”pick up lines” wen approachin a grl??? B4 d conversatn!

  17. Like seriously…Some men can be so stupid..Could remember ma self strolling with ma sis on a lovely cool eve & then some fat old silly pot-belly looking motherfucker walking up to us & held ma sister’s hand before starting to display his old age stupidity…He was like’Hi pretty,i’m sorry bah have we met before???…You look pretty familiar’…I wish i was the one it happened to,i would have been like’Yeah ryh,as a matter of fact,imma help rebooting your old silly dull brains in that big dumb skull of yours,i’m yetunde,your granma who died,went to heaven for some honey-moon & returned back to kick your ass & tell you to leave me the fuck alone you idiot!!!!’…I mean,it’s ridiculous & nerve wrecking too🙂

  18. I confess i also laughed thrugh ur article, just to add to previous thoughts from my experience a guy shud always luk it when going out and i am not talking bout dressing like a celebrity secondly study the person and the enviroment are in you will surely come up with more creative openers and more IMPORTANTLY wait for the write moment when somthing brings you two together (take a clue form the film Hitch) see it as one of this wildlife a predator monitoring a prey, somtimes u need to only ask her number or ask her out and don forget to slip genuine complements in to your conversation.

  19. Am not the toasting type,me aint gat a girlfriend and am cool with it,maybe bcauze am a computer programmer/ethical hacker

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