Soap Dish

I was reading Ms Luffa’s awesome blog some time ago, and one of her articles asked readers what would constitute their bucket list if they just had a few days to live? In my comment, I went all self-righteous about how I wanted to do things to change the world –blah, blah, blah. However, I have heard it said that we cannot change the world, unless we change ourselves. Who else has heard that proverb before; hands up?

Then I saw the bucket list subject on Bellanaija as well. Here we go again.

Let’s be frank here, if a town crier, bad news monger, olofofo or angel informed you that you only had a few days to live, if you are a Nigerian, you would likely wail and throw yourself on the floor screaming about how people have sworn for you, and cry and take out your frustrations on the messenger by assaulting and cursing him for bringing bad news. Finally after you have gotten a grip on yourself, you would probably want to do stuff you never contemplated or had the bottle to do earlier in your life.

The Bucket List phenomenon is supposed to have become popular after a Morgan Freeman movie of the same name. Truth be told, I have not seen it though it is somewhere using valuable space on my laptop hard-drive. I can’t be bothered for now – in fact this last weekend I watched Spike Lee’s “Do The Right Thing” instead. Yawn.

The bucket list thing has even been used in a Mase (remember him?) song “24 Hours to live” which was released in 1997 along with a video. It had guest appearances including a rapper called Jadakiss who said he would “Get a fresh baldy, make a few calls/ Shop at the mall, shoot a little ball/”

I don’t know about barbing my head gorimakpa; I would probably max out all my credit cards on gifts for family. And forget shooting some basketball, I would be having a ball.

When people make these bucket lists, they make unrealistic promises of how they would travel to all the 5 continents of the world. And I wonder, which kain travel? You wey dem no gree give ordinary Jand visa for British embassy for Walter Carrington here and you dey cry sef. Now you dey yarn say you go travel around the 5 continents and 7 seas. Na wa o.

But nah seriously, here is what I would love to do; if I could do them. Worry not, if I also have a Plan B Bucket List, also known as my “Soap Dish List”

* I would love to run with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. Failing that, I would hook up with a Fulani cattle-rearer and beg him help shepherd his herd. Kai kai!

* I would spend a night with my girl on the kick off circle of the pitch of my beloved Chelsea’s Stamford Bridge stadium chilling under the floodlights.

* I would learn to fly an airplane (Sosoliso or Bellview), and take skydiving lessons. I would have to double check the parachutes though – it would be disaster if I landed off course in Borno or any of the Boko Haram States. Aboki no vex. I love suya and radio too.

* I would go bungie-jumping from the top of the  Stock Exchange or NET buildings in Marina. Now if only the elevators could work, so that I could actually get to the top floor for my jump. Some people would probably think I tried to commit suicide by hanging myself but my leg got caught in the noose.

* I would climb Aso Rock (the highest rock in the land).

* Write a book, or my memoirs or publish a soft sell like City People or National Encomium and name it “I Pity People” or “National Conundrum.”

* I would learn a language like Ibibio or Urhobo (even though I failed French in school). Someone should teach me Lekki-British though.

* I would go ocean dipping off the coast of Malibu, or snorkeling in that large pool of water next to the National Theatre (Lake Placid). Who knows what I will find in that water. Gold coins or faeces?

* I have always wanted to visit and take wine testing classes in Southern France. With time short, and Air France tickets high, I may decide to take palm-wine tasting classes in Sapele, Delta state instead. I would sample akpeteshi, ogogoro, sapele water, push me I push you.

*Finally, I would ‘plank’ on the Eiffel tower. Or on a 3^rd Mainland Bridge railing at midnight. Or on Munachi Abi.