The Pounded Yam and Pure Water Awards 2011

THE POUNDED YAM AND PURE WATER AWARDS 2011

2011 has drawn to a close, and it is time to announce the first Annual Pounded Yam and Pure Water Awards 2011 (APYPW), also known as the Poundos. The manner of handing out this awards shall  be systematic. I shall list my favourite things (or persons) and they shall receive a Poundo (a wrap of pounded yam, and a plate of soup of their choice). The losers shall receive a satchet of pure water manufactured in a dirty Ajegunle workshop with H20 from a mossy well.

3 GBOSAS

  1. What a year 2011 was. Nigerian entertainment got exported as a premium product while we imported refined petroleum.  People complain that Nigerian youngsters are not militant enough like our Arab cousins. Maybe it is true, but no-one can deny that their ingenuity, business saavy and resilience are the shining spots illuminating Nigerian positively to the world. And by youth, I am referring to those between the age group of 17 and 35 doing positive things and creating instead of taking from the system.

There are some that say people in their 30s should not be classified as youths, but there are actresses/actors or those in entertainment and businesses who claim their official age as 30 even though they are really in their 40s. So I want to capture those who are doing us proud with their accomplishments.

The one who grew up watching Kiddie Vision 101 on TV, but now have to contend with a government with no vision. The entertainers and those in the fashion industry, and those in business creating jobs and opportunities for the economy deserve a pat on the back, and their promise to us that they wouldn’t rest on their oars.

I won’t mention any names.

2. I am loving so many things right now – Cole Haan patent loafers, watching Katt Williams show while eating pepper-soup (the combination has me suffering and smiling), Chicken and Bacon Pressata (a delicious sandwich made with flaky flat bread and toasted with cheese,  any kind of food with a sprinking of suya pepper, the black actress Paula Patton in Mission Impossible 4 (Esco has a crush), button up shirts with stripes. In fact I am loving life in general. Life is good!

I am also feeling new Nigerian music videos. I really liked Wiz Kid’s Pakuramo – Funke Akindele made that video, but the cameos by other artists or entertainers, and the tones and concept used made that video worth watching again and again. By the way shout out to Whiskey (Wiz Kid)- the song itself could grace any dance-floor on planet earth. The intro especially was awesome.

Skale’s Mukulu was a good one as well. But side note, isn’t anyone else also alarmed at the manner girls shake their nubile bodies in our music videos these days. Dem nor wan marry?

You no try

Mondiots

  1. Boko Haram killed more people than hunger and disease for the first time in Nigeria while our lame duck government cowered. They affected the social and economic life in Abuja, the seat of the Nigerian government, and many people lost their lives in Abuja, the North and even Sapele recently. Boko Haram deserve a big fat pure water (with car battery water inside).

2. Lekki a high-brow area was hit with the low-blow of tolling.  VGC is now officially the most expensive area in the world. You not only pay for the land, but also for the priviIege to go visit it.  I think its time for me to go back to my village. I go plant cocoa, I go plant cassava; even though na yam. I dey go back to my village. I refer you to my hit article Pump Pump and the Scramble for Lekki.  It has had over 47001 hits alone since publication. Nuff’ said. Fuck LCC by the way.

3.  The price of pure water finally defied Adam Smith’s and Keynesian economic theories and rose to N10.00 for the first time (not liquid contents only sha). Our award for losers just got more expensive, but I am not happy about it. The price of pure water, and food in general, deserves a pure water award.

4.  Fuel subsidy was finally removed. There have been various economic theories about the pros and cons of removing fuel subsidy. Apparently, it is supposed to stimulate competition among fuel producers and create an incentive for lowering prices, as opposed to subsidy and a price fix by government. But the fear is the Nigerian factor, where for some reason, the prices of items never ever go down, so N141 may the cheapest fuel will ever be. What goes up and never comes down? Age used to be the answer. Prices of goods in Nigeria may be the more correct one.

Besides we have a weak regulator in the PPPRA so how will collusion among illegal price cartels be monitored or curbed. Two or three or 10,000 beer drinking CEO Alhajis and Chiefs may meet in a hotel in Abuja and agree to peg fuel at N200 a litre, and promise to co-operate with each other, instead of competing to drive the prices down. And who would stop them?

Regulation in Nigeria has always been non-existent. I mean this is a country where crooks have been mixing kerosene with aviation fuel, and selling them to airlines. No wonder some of our airlines engines rattle and rumble like Molues. I have been in a domestic airplane where the aircraft’s shock absorbers were not working at all. The plane ‘fell’ from the sky, and landed with a huge thud that shook all the passengers. Some people screamed “Blood of Jesus”, while a few who had been pretending to read newspapers started screaming for their lives.  Some unfastened their seat belts and switched on the phones, and started making emergency calls to their family “Darling, our plane just crash-landed. Please just in case, make sure you send Felix my assistant to go and collect that cheque from Chief Akpanjo.”

Thank goodness these airline people no longer served refreshment but sold it instead. As I didn’t buy, thankfully there was no watery hot tea/coffee to spill all over me from the impact of landing.

So despite the pleas of the people, the government under Pa Jona went on with the subsidy removal. What is it about Aso Rock that makes our leaders turn to brutes. You see a meek and homely looking politician, but immediately he tastes power, he turns into a monster. It is like this scene from the movie “Waiting to Exhale”. Watch from 1.06 on the video, and just imagine that the guy is Pa Jona (or any top government official) and Whitney Houston is Nigeria. Immediately the government official discovers how sweet the perks of power is, he turns into a raging uncontrollable lunatic.

syz9P-waiting-to-exhale-movie-my-body-needs-this

My Body Needs This Scene from Waiting to Exhale Movie (1995) | MOVIECLIPS.

Receive the last Pure Water award! Gba!

9 responses

  1. Happy New Year Esco! I know this one na pounded yam award but I wan give you one big stout award for blogging in 2011. You dey try jo. This fuel subsidy thing isnt a joke o, someone just told me they bought fuel at N350 per liter. Na gold? Jona is not trying at all.

  2. ESCOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I’ve been checking your blog since forever for an update from you. You can imagine how i felt when i checked today and saw not just one but two updates. WHOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where have you been man ehnnnnn? You just disappear and appear. Not good oooo. Tsk tsk. Anyway, I can’t hold a grudge against you for long cos I totally love your blog.
    Btw, Happy New Year. Was too excited, should have said that first. *grinning*. I’ve got tears streaming down my cheeks from laughing too much while reading this post. I totally absolutely love the video: Pakurumo. The receptionist did a good job at the intro. And Jenifa just killed it .😀. Hahahhahahahhahahhhaaaahhhaaaaaa @ the prices of pure water in naija defying Keynesian economic theories. My sides are aching me from laughing too much. What goes up and never comes down: Prices of goods in naija. *correct jare*. Thank goodness I was in the comfort of my room as I read this, if not, wahala for dey. Thanks for addressing the issues on ground with a spice of humor.

    P.S: Make sure you re-visit my blog if not *wagging my finger at you*🙂

    naijabankgirl.blogspot.com

  3. ESCO for President 2015! I thank God that you’ve finally posted. Dude I’m from the Niger-Delta and I can’t help but remember how much abuse I got from family members when I said I didn’t want ‘Goodluck’ to win. Look at Nigeria now. Sometimes I cant help but feel we need a strong a dictator. Would Nigeria be so bad if we split up? Boko Haram can take their people and go… Let;s see where they will be in 20 years time after all there’s a drought coming. Fuel prices at 141 Naira a litre, at least traffic in Lagos should drastically fall but I can’t imagine what life shall be like for the average Nigerian. Oh well… there’s light at the end of the tunnel I suppose.

    Thanks for posting, please do so on a regular basis and may 2012 be the year that your dreams come through.

  4. Until we are all walking about naked, before some greedy people are satisfied. Me, I am trying not to be fed up with my country’s antics. But why would the politicians care? Their kids are abroad and their money is in Switzerland so if you like, you the common man can quench.
    We slowly slipped from our feet to our knees and now they just want to bury us alive…

  5. esco, happy new year! good to have you back. the boko haram thing is just heartbreaking. this country is in serious trouble and GEJ is a disgrace. things are bad when sane and normal people are BEGGING for military rule in the country again. what a shame.

  6. Long time, Esco. I for laugh, but e hard small. On the subsidy issue, (don’t mistake my temporary resignation for docility) it can’t get much worse than this, so things have gotta be heading up.
    I definitely applaud those who do business in Nigeria. With a govt that rescinds agreements and seems very confused with regards to direction as well as a poor distribution network, it takes guts to compete successfully in this country.
    Oh…I can’t believe you’re crushing on Paula Patton. Her face confuses me..I can’t..I’m not sure what’s going on there. Loved this article!

  7. ATT.

    Hello, every one this is Mr. Adamu Peters a private movie manager, so i am out here to bring an information to every talented young boys and girls that have the zeal of becoming a movie star should contact me on my line today(08066405873) for more information.

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