You Dey Make Me Kolo

Hello, hello

Now, that I have gotten your attention with the above picture, if you are ready, we can settle into the topic for today.

I was listening into a radio show on the Verastically Livin‘ blog, and the subject was on male toasting and all its epic failings. Apparently Naija fellas are supposed to score low on this most important of tasks. Ah, it is this topic of toasting again, huh? I know this is a much flogged topic, one which I had opined on before in my older article – Toast A Nigerian Girl. However, with Nigeria tethering on the brink, I want to contribute my bit to fostering national unity by promoting ways to make love not war.

It is hard to blame some guys for falling short when it comes to chatting up girls. One reason may be that some girls are really really hot, and you get your words muddled up trying to form sentences in their lovely presence. Look at the above picture – how would you start a conversation with a broad like that. If you told her that you were toasting her because you are attracted to her intellect, even she would know that you are telling porkies Would you approach her with a starter like ‘I love how you do the dishes’ or would you say your mind (I just wanna love you) and risk a rebuke ? Can you see that being yourself does not always work when it comes to chatting a chick up?

I will be frank -my liver has failed me a couple of times when approaching chicks so I tend to rely on my charm (not charms or black magic oh). I once sat next to a brown skinned beauty at an event. She asked me for my name, and I replied Antonio without thinking. I had been watching Wild Rose, that popular Mexican soap on TV the night before, so the name of one of the characters came to my mind when I was asked my nomenclature. Yep, she was so fine that I forgot my own name. Don’t be mad if your looks had not had that effect on someone.

Then some weeks later, I was at The Palms, when I heard someone shouting “Antonio, Antonio!” and whistling to get my attention.

I turned around, and it was the girl from the event. She was panting slightly and was a bit upset, because she had been running after me.

I had forgotten my own name! She invariably later found out that Antonio wasn’t my real name, and that killed anything between us before it could start.

Most guys get their names correct of course, but that is all they do right.

There was this chap who was trying to chat up this really beautiful girl at a kiosk in front of his office. She was clad in the tightest skirt suit and killer heels, while he was sweating profusely from doing marketing runs for his bank all morning. She had just bought a soft drink and was about to leave. He didn’t know what to say so he said ‘So you like Fanta orange too.”

Corny, but the girl thought it was rather sweet (him, not her bottle of Fanta).

So she smiled, and the ice was broken. They started a long convo, hooked up on a date, and dated for 2 years.

The problem with this ‘woo-ing’ thing is that there is too much onus (not anus) on guys during the process to make things happen. Girls expect a guy to have smooth lyrics, drop ‘word’ that would hold their attention, make them laugh, hang around or constitute a general nuisance.  Did you see all the hassle Kevin Jame’s character had to go through in the Will Smith movie ‘Hitch’?

What is a girl supposed to be doing all this while? What is she bringing to the table? After all, she has a fair bit to gain as well. A guy may be saying or doing the right things but it takes two to tango. If a lass is not sending the right messages or giving the right vibes, it may put a guy off. And that in no way diminishes a guy’s toasting skills. The perfect analogy would be a joke I once heard Basketmouth the comedian crack at one of his concerts. He said that when he performs at a show, if some people in the audience don’t laugh, then it isn’t his fault as he always does his best with his performance.  If they don’t laugh, it is because their personal problems are more than his jokes. And in that case, he wouldn’t be able to do anything for them.

Sometimes, you call or BB a girl you are interested in, and she would ask something like ‘What’s up? Any better or any gist?’ like you should be a steady form of amusement for her. Dead uncomfortable silence…….

I once had a girl come over, get comfy on my sofa, and give me an ultimatum ‘Esco, I have come to see you. So entertain me or I would never come here again.’

I switched on the television, and changed the channel to E!. There you go.

I have noticed that what guys and ladies expect in the ‘toasting process differs. Men want to get it over and done with quickly. We actually want maximum returns for minimum effort –  we like less talk and more action, get it?

Women prefer a long drawn out toasting process where you have to prove that you have got what it takes. They want to be ‘wooed’ ‘flattered’ wined, dined, then caressed, which all takes too much time and resource; besides there are  a few girls who don’t mind it being in the reverse order – caressed, dined, whined, flattered, then scattered. Guys prefer the latter category, understandably.

Some girls just don’t want to be talked to – they want to be toasted. You may be called a slacker for just being open, and taking your time to know a lass. You may be labeled other names for trying to do things the convenient way.

There was this girl I had met at a networking conference years back. We just vibed, and exchanged numbers, then started exchanging SMSs frequently. There may have been a little attraction.  We decided we would meet for a date – movies and food. The problem was that the girl lived in Ogudu, while I stay in Ajah. This was around the time when there were really congested road-works going on Lekki-Epe expressway which would take me about 4 hours or more to get to her crib. I asked home-girl if she could meet me halfway – take a cab to Surulere. I would come and get her there, and take her to the Island for our day out. Then I would drop her at home in Ogudu in the evening. That way, we could maximize quality time spent together, rather than wasting it in traffic. Logical right?

The girl blatantly refused saying that I was trying to short-change her “Esco, you want to do things the easy way. You must come and pick me up from my father’s house if you want to take me for a date. You must go through all the processes if you want to take me out. I am not easy.”

Who said anything about anyone being easy?

This reminds of when a friend of mine mis-yarned by blurting out the wrong thing to a girl he was chasing at the time. She was a real down-to-earth easygoing type of girl, so he used to take her to Mr. Biggs and Bank Olemoh Designer Rice for dates. He was so appreciative of the fact that she wasn’t a greedy type of girl that he remarked one day “Titi, this is the reason I like you. Whenever we go to Mr. Biggs, you always order only one donut, and you don’t even ask for mineral. I have been telling my friends that you are a cheap date. I like that.”

The girl was like ‘Huh?’ She lost her cool, laidback nature and upped her ante – she always demanded for Double Four  afterwards.

11 responses

  1. falls down laughing hard at “I switched on the television and switched to E! choi, guy you mean o. lovely, lovely write up as usual.

  2. Funny piece……..Most girls don’t know what it means to meet someone half way………And i for one don’t fancy situations where the guy does 100% of the job while the girl just basks in the euphoria of ‘lazy amusement’.(smh)……….

  3. haba, bt guys easy, even esco said dat guys mostly like d easy way, get it done n over wiv, bt sha not all gurls wuld b lik dat dou, sum of us ar quite undastndn.
    Antonio, antonio, antonio, rotflol, welldone, lol.

  4. Lol! you are silly for this man. I m completely lost on the naija “game”. The girl that wanted you to drive 4 hours was on a very long ting sha. haba.

  5. i remember telling my friends at a party,that i dont eat chicken and then one empty head guy said “you must be cheap to take out because you don’t eat chicken”…you should have seen the way i looked at him…lol..lol..

  6. I think antonio suits u more. I’ll start calling u that from now henceforth… Lol

    I think I could be that girl who is a bit difficult during the woo-ing process but that depends on how much I like(or not) the person.. ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯.. Oh well!

  7. lol ohhh… jokes..

    But that pic stilll.. WHERE DID U FIND THAT?? Well even me a fellow lady is like nahwaoo not in a bad way though.lol..

    Cheap date u know..

    All I can say is, I think am a balanced babe… I do things in moderation. E.g. I would probably would have gone half way after all, it not like he has said anything big like marriage or anything that I have to be put on my defensive mechanism (even though its there). lol. But eitherway, i would prefer to use wisdom..I get why some ladies can be hard though, people have standards they need to maintain constantly…

    Sha, what my own. i dont really care about these things.. lol.

  8. Its hard on us ladies too. U say it takes two to tango, but men also say we need to let men be the men.
    I may see you Esco, and think “Hot damn, thts a fine choco brother right there!”, but wont do anything about it. I assume (wrongly r rightly so) that if u dont make the move it becos u dont want to .. cos men are hunters right?
    And on the we want to to whoo us – dats tru. Un4tunatly u hav 2 make up 4 d idiots i put faith in over logic. Now u gotta prove it gentlemen – sorry😦

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