Baby, Don’t Do It

Mba nu....

As a kid growing up, I really loved Jackie Chan movies. He was a modern day Superman taking out all the bad guys with his vulnerable style of martial arts, plus he was mad funny. He was realistic unlike Steven Seagal who would break everyone’s legs and bones like okporoko and not sustain a scratch himself. Jackie Chan was real unlike Mojo, Benbella or Garth who were heroes on Nigerian comic strips in the newspapers. Garth was always falling for treacherous double-agents (Guardian Newspaper), and Benbella was always getting beaten up. Nackson,even had more mojo than Mojo (Vangaurd newspaper).

One of my wishes as a child was to travel to China to meet Jackie Chan.

On a visit to a Chinese Restaurant in Surulere, I asked the waiter “Hey, you are Chinese. Do you know Jackie Chan? Is he your brother? Una resemble

Carefully balancing the plate of hot soup and Wong Tong soup, he answered with all the restraint he could “Jackie Chan is actually from Hong Kong, not China. Besides I am Taiwanese”

What is the difference, I thought to myself. But I remarked “Okay Taiwan; na una country dey make fake toys…”

My mum ‘eyed’ me furiously, so I stopped saying more.

That ‘eyeing’ became a secret code for ‘shut it, boy!’ or ‘baby, don’t do it’

I would like to apply the same code to the same categories of people in Nigeria:

  • You only spent your adult life in Jand/Yankee, yet your foreign accent is even stronger than the citizens there. You act as if agege bread and public transport is beneath you. You criticize everything about Nigerian life, and remark about how The Palms and The Galleria are glorified shopping centers where you are coming from. You start pronouncing Nigerian words in an annoying manner, just like when Stephen Keshi, the former Super Eagles captain pronounced Bournvita as “Born –vira” in that 94 beverage ad. You broadcast your foreign pedigree or “pre-degree” in every update on Facebook or “Twirra” We all hear you. You need to quit forthwith.
  •  You follow fashion blindly. Nah I really mean that literally. You follow fashion and you don’t see as a result. Biko nwa nne,  don’t wear sunglasses indoors unless you have apollo, you are a huge superstar, or you are a funky malo.going to Bar Beach on Sunday. When you start wearing glasses to the extent that you can’t see properly or nearly cause accidents all in the name of fashion, then there is a problem. Beauty is pain? Try accidents and incidents because you nor see road because of shades. Dude was wearing sunglasses at 6pm and cruising on Lekki-Epe expressway bumping 2Pac’s “U Cant C Me.” Ojuigo then crashed headlong into an okada carrying a passenger. The Consolidated Association of Okada-Riders of Nigeria Lekki Branch surrounded dude with anger and revenge in their hearts. The first slap he received took the glasses off. See how he was finally made to take the frames off. By the way, these okada men should really quit mobbing motorists after accidents.
  •  Think about it before you press the send button on your BB  especially forwarding those needless messages which require the recipient to follow suit or die within 7 days. There is one that has been catching pervy people on facebook recently – you click on a pornographic still and it shows up on your wall. You are what you forward.

You know how drunk oyibo girls on a night out start texting guys who they fancy or exes who have scorned them. The next morning, it is a bad idea as they now look foolish. This should have the same effect on people who forward dead jokes or tired messages via BBM.

Don’t forward messages or boring jokes. In fact don’t text/forward/bbm anything you cannot physically say yourself to the recipient’s face. Nope I refuse to forward this religious message and its doesn’t mean that I am denying my faith or refusing to propagate the gospel. I am just denying you the sender the opportunity to drive me really mad.

 This all reminds me of a time I took up a part-time Market Research job while in university. The job entailed making calls to customers on the company database and asking them a set of questions from a questionnaire, and informing them of new or available products and services. Due to the range and volume of outbound calls, I spoke to nut-jobs and some of the weirdest people in the U.K.

I remember calling a customer number, and a very gruff man picked up the phone. He hardly allowed me introduce myself and my mission before he launched into a tirade:

Me: Hello. My name is Esco, and I am calling from X Company. We are conducting a market research, and would be grateful if you could spare 5 minutes of your time to answer….

Crazy man: What?? Why the fuck are you calling my home? Who gave you my number…

Me: I apologize if I caught you at a wrong time. I….

Crazy Man: Who sent you to call me. It was my ex-wife, wasn’t it? Why, that bitch! It was my ex-wife, wasn’t it!!!!!

 Me (now fearing for his ex-wife): Nah chill, it wasn’t her. Actually…

Crazy Man: Who sent you then?

Me: Nobody sent me…

Crazy Man: If nobody sent you, then why did you call?

Good question. I had no answer to that, so he put down the receiver. Not gently though.

BBM chain message sender, if you have nothing better to do, please put your BB down gently.

  • During the reign of Ivan The Terrible in 16th century Russia, a tax was imposed on any man who wanted to grow or keep a beard. Yes, you paid your weight in roubles/gold if you decided you wanted to sport a goatee or gemu or Ricky Ross (this was a status symbol).

I think this tax should be imposed in Nigeria – it will swell our government’s coffers and deter some of our fashionista wanna-bes too.

Have you seen the Oliver De Coque-esce or Ojukwu-ish beards on some fellas recently? Rick Ross done cause bad thing for Nigeria.

This also goes to females carrying huge hair follicles on their heads in the name of attachment or weaves. Nope, I have not joined the league of Brazilian weave bashers – far from it; that is an over flogged issue, and it doesn’t bother chaps anyway (as far as we are not paying for it). But my only issue is when the hair starts to wear the girl, as opposed to the girl wearing the hair. If you are lekpa, don’t wear an orobo bundle of weave. If you have a mama iyabo hair-line, stay away. If you have Frosties flakes kind of dandruff, disregard these weaves. If you are a smallie, please quit wearing a weave that is almost taller than you, that it reaches your ankle. You are not the Little Mermaid. Or the Small Mammy-water.


You can shuffle up the cards I’ma learn the deck/
When I do the game is mine , man I’m aiming high/

Beanie Sigel (Stop, Chill, 2001)


21 responses

  1. Ah… Courage the Cowardly Dog.
    Nice… Heard a story of a girl who went to the UK for just 3wks and came bak wit a strong fonee accent.
    Baby, don’t do it.

  2. lol, i used to know most of the names of kong fu actors back in the day, and then there was ‘7 lucky kids’ et co. Had a crush on Jackie.(remember we called kung fu movies ‘Chinese films’

    leave the accent alone jor, afterall Nigerians go to India and come back with Jamaican accent. as long as we understand them, let them enjoy a little gratification from their hard earned money. 😉

  3. Mojo and Benbella?!!! Kai Esco don’t kill me ooooo!!! I remember Mojo in d back of Vanguard abi? Benbella and Lulu from Funtimes. Hahaha. Am defo an agbaya!

  4. Esco nice write up, I am also amazed @ these BBM broadcast that carry warnings of how God won’t bless one if you don’t rebroadcast. I’m still reeling with laughter @ benbella.

  5. Muriel, Courage the cowardly dog & the grumpy husband are old favorites! “Don’t do it” 106 & Park. People still stare & ask how I maintain my clean shave(after the goatee phase in Unilag). Enjoy your weekend 🙂

  6. @Esco – once again you have done it – I missed my lunch break cos I was reading this one… the next time this happens, I will unashamedly inform my boss why I am eating at my desk after the lunch hour! Yes o I was reading Esco and his followers on Literati.

    Maybe we should all meet up sometime soon for a drink/lunch – I am just saying ni oooo! Or a FB chat in honour of Esco lol

    There is a very popular joke here in the UK about our brodas and sistahs speaking like East Londoners with every ‘T’ pronunced ‘ih’ (depends on the letter that follows the ‘T’ for example, Father becomes ‘Faha’ and Brother becomes ‘Broha’) sometimes worse – Brother become ‘brova’ and mother becomes ‘mova’. Na dem sabi. Last time I checked, a Yoruba man will call Father ‘FADA’ and God help you if you ask after someone’s Dad by saying ‘how is your FADA’! The Fada comes out like an ‘insult’ Chei, Naija and culture sha.

    Anyways, about the T and ‘ih’ – A sista from Obodo Naija visited London for a few weeks and on her return back to Lagos landing at MMM airport, a Nigerian ‘Immigi’ asked her the queue she wanted to join for the immigration checks and if it was British or Nigerian? Sista said…’I am not ‘British’ but I am ‘Buha’ (Butter)!!!!

    Shoot – the joke is better said jare this grammar no gree me.

    The other day at work I heard an oyinbo guy and another Naija guy dey crack jokes as me dey pass – the Naija guy na my NNA bruva with think accent like Jay Jay Okocha. Then the oyinbo guy started laughing at Naija colleague say he dey speak ‘posh’ like Mama Sharli. Brother Ibo dey laugh with the man even though he no like am. Abegee how you go dey twist your ibotic accent like that? The thing wey pain me pass be say the Northern Oyinbo that was cracking the joke has the same accent as Cheryl Cole!!! Na wah. God help us.

    You owe me for Lunch o Esco. Otherwise…..Ehen.

  7. lol….lol…esco i won’t be suprised if you are quiet in nature because the way your mind works and the things you write, if you said them to people outside they will either beat you up or stick to you like glue….you too funny! nice one

  8. Munira – Lol. I know, right?

    Ohj – I go free them sha. Me too don rock that bear bear before. Besides I only used pre-degree as a play on pedigree. Na wa for you o.

    Ohis – You too much jare. Maybe the girl went for phonee lessons in Jand. She no try sha. Besides e be like say you like Cartoon Network pass anything.

    Fantasy Queen – You must be a real fantasy queen for your spouse or king. A girl who likes, watches and remember the names of kung-fu movies? Wow, that is epic. And I laughed at our story about the lass that came back with a Jamo accent. I can just imagine. “What a gwan man – a thousand apologies” Lol

    Bex – Yes you are an agbaya if you remember those cartoons. Who was your favorite. Lol

    AGK – Those broadcast messages really get my goat. I usually delete them afterwards. I am really surprised that people remember Benbella. What a name. What a comic action figure. Lol

    @ Reallaw – Enjoy your weekend bro too.

    @ Kushite – LOOOOOL. Your comment was very funny. Why one earth would someone want to feign a Geordie accent? I have seen people try the cockney one as we, pronouncing Father as ‘Fada”. Lol.

    Drink/lunchfor Esco? Great idea. I would soon set up a Paypal account so that donations can be made. Nice one. Yeah I owe you Lunch, but you owe me breakfast and dinner. Lol

    @ Tunmi – Me too, me too. Are you following us on Twitter. Please do.

    @ Sarah – Glad to be of service, though I think you may be slightly wrong. I may cause happiness, but only God gives joy. Halleluyah!

    @ Tinkerbell – You are quite right. I am quiet and reserved, but I have never been beaten up yet. I have had people try to stick like glue. Lol. African oyibo, how now?

  9. Esco, tell them o about the BB broadcast messages. it is sooooo annoying to say the least. i kept on laughing at “you are not mammy water”. i am a babe and i still wonder how my fellow babes carry such massive things on their head. when i think of the heat, itch,…… nu. moderate length or short hair does it for me anytime.

  10. Dude , seriously we have the same grievances!!!! Chai!!!! The sad thing is that those who actually have real accents and are Nigeria tend to tone it down in Naija now!!!!
    About wearing glasses indoors abeg please shout it from the rooftops with me. A guy I previously new got married recently and at the heavily publicized bellanajalindaikeji wedding he worse shades throughout the reception!!!! But why, now!
    And there I was thinking I was the only one that deleted those irritating religious emails promising a terrible death and God’s judgement. It is just not that serious. We really need to be less superstitious in this country (I know I am dreaming)

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