The Pounded Yam And Pure Water Awards (8)

Nice...

KUDOS:

  • Karen won Big Brother Amplified yesterday. Twitter was agog with comments ranging from the hilarious to the outright ridiculous. Someone said that BBA must stand for Big Breast Awards for Karen to have won. Another person congratulated her for adding $200,000 to Nigeria’s economy. She should expect plenty of FFFs (Friends for Fame/Food). Truth be told, I don’t/didn’t  watch the show so I can’t say more. Nuff said.
  • The US NASA recently ended a phase of their space program with the return and safe landing of the Atlantis Space Shuttle from outer space. Wetin concern monkey with rain coat abi?

Well, in 1998 Nigeria constituted a body called the Nigerian Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA) to oversee space science, technology and travel into space. Not to knock our enterprising spirit or the great scientific minds we have in this country, but how can we purport to send a man into outer space or put an astronaut on the moon, when we can’t even put the right man in Aso Rock. Booooo..

The Russians started out with test experiments by sending a dog first before they sent their first astronaut Yuri Gagarin to orbit the earth. Good luck nna doggy dog.

  • Egg, Bacon and Cheese Melt Sandwich from Pride of Eden…Heavenly Foods, Ikota VGC. Longer-throat like you. Ha ha. 

Shame

JUDO:

  • The JLO and Marc Anthony divorce. Normally I don’t give a shit about stuff like this, but a part of me (my Nigerian and Igbo side) wanted J-Lo to win with this marriage. How can someone so attractive and successful not have a man that she prepares night food for?  It is funny because her first husband Ojani Noa said she was so beautiful; he could drink her bath water. Depends on the soap.

What is going on with marriages these days, biko nu? I am a fella, and people expect our attitude to divorce to be “wreck it, buy a new one” but I hate to see good relationships fail.  Naija is even catching the bug, as if things are not messed up as it is. We now have to deal with the break-down of the family unit which is the first corner stone to nation building. Everywhere there is news about how Baba Bisi poured acid on Mama Bisi, or how some wife beheaded her hubby’s member with a machete after they had a row.

In Nigeria someone like J-Lo would never have been divorced. Heck, she may not have been married in the first place. She would probably be a high class runs girl, or a concubine to some wealthy magnate, or a kept woman bamboozled by one really higher up politician. Or she may be one of those self-indulgent lasses with her head in the clouds, unable to marry because she is choosy and doesn’t want a mere mortal. The problem with Nigeria is that once a girl looks a bit attractive, toasters and pervy older men begin to inundate her with cash offers and gifts. It can mess a girl’s head up. Many really beautiful girls in Nigeria are aware of that fact from a tender age, and are programmed to use their beauty as a bargaining tool for the highest (richest) bidder. Sorry my female readers but tis tres’ true. The exception might be if they are properly exposed, educated or from wealthy backgrounds.

No matter how physically attractive a chick is, a man (one man) has to marry her and live with her one day.

Contrast that with Yankee or Jand where many really hot girls don’t even know their strength. In Jand, a guy I know, Aniete, once sat down next to this Greek girl in class. This girl, let us call her, Athena, was a Greek goddess. She had long black hair, perfect olive skin, green eyes and the nicest curves ever. All the guys in the class were checking her out seriously. This chick looked like a mix of Selma Hayek and Zulay Henao. Google them.

Aniete and this chick made small talk, and ran into each other a couple of times in other classes. They then became reading mates, meeting at the library and other spots to study and work on assignments and projects together.  They were starting to really fancy each other.

Then one day, the chick asked Aniete “Do you think I am a beautiful?”

Aniete swallowed ten times. He felt like using a cutlass to swear an oath, but he held himself “I think you look amazing.”

Athena smiled as she blushed “I was afraid that you would not find me attractive”

Aniete wanted to scream in pidgin: You de craze? My brain dey scatter as I dey look you so.

But he answered calmly “Oh don’t be silly. You are a work of art”

How could this chick not see that she was awesome? What is it with this oyibo chicks sef?

And this is not absolving menfolk or Marc Anthony of any blame.

  • The Governor of Imo State appointed 94 cabinet members including a Chief Comedian of the State. This is not a new thing – in medieval times in England, the monarch had a court jester to entertain him and the court (like Timothy Claypole of Rent-a-Ghost). The people of Imo state are not laughing though.
  • People who talk or react tactlessly without knowing the bare facts of the issue at hand. I find that this is becoming common place in Nigeria. People just blurt out their un-needed opinion without being properly informed about a situation.

I will give a weird example. Who can remember Sunday Rendezvous, a popular dance show on Nigerian TV in the 80s and early 90s? The show was anchored by a sequin jacket, red bow tie wearing, heavily Jeri-curled showman type fella called Prince 2000. He used to cajole the audience into clapping by shouting “Hit me, hit me, hit me” during dance breaks.

Contestants would dance, and be picked off one by one until there were only 2 dancers left. Since the show was sponsored by the makers of Limca/ Gold Spot, a soft drinks company, Prince 2000 would make the remaining two contestants play a drinking game to determine the winner. Sweating and out of the breath, the contestants would be handed a bottle of Limca each with straws and whoever finished their drink first would be declared the winner for that week. The prizes were usually branded Limca umbrellas (sometimes given out during the hot Nigerian summer) or face-caps with Limca written everywhere.

However before handing the winner his prize, Prince 2K would ask the contestant what he felt about the taste of Limca. You would normally hear ridiculous adjectives like “Supepe (superb)”, “beautiful”, “exciting”, “delicious” from the contestants.

There was this one contestant, who having been asked by Prince what he felt about Limca, answered enthusiastically “The taste of Limca is very stupendous.”

Prince 2000’s face dropped, and he quickly withdrew the microphone from the winner, as he shoved him off the stage without giving him his prize “Ok that is alright Mr. man. Get off the stage and go back to your seat.”

The winner’s perceived crime? Prince 2000 thought that “stupendous” meant “stupid”.

Oh by the way, I think NEPA/PHCN is  really stupendous.

12 responses

  1. Does NASRDA even exist? Now they want a nuclear power station too. What even happened to Ajaokuta Steel? Let me not even continue…abeg make una hold me o.lol

    The marriage thing is so sad…

    As for Rochas, he may be making some blunders but I think overall he has a good plan. He’s approach is a bit different from what I’ve heard of so far and there’s a lot of potential in it. If only it will work….

  2. Hi there Esco… Been following ur blog for sometime now and its really been WOAH! all the way….However i think you technically fell victim to one of the points of ur pure water awards section. I think we should just give Rochas some more time and see if he has any aces up his sleeves…Reminds me of a quip made by a character in the Tv series ‘sledge hammer’ “trust me, i know what i’m doing”

  3. Nice…
    I recently heard some chatter abt Nigeria wanting Russia to help build its first nuclear power plant.
    I dey laugh.
    Its sha a stupendous idea.

  4. … Funny and thoughtful. What is NASRDA? i just think that was a plot by the people in power then to try to bamboozle Nigerians.
    The divorce cases are just sad and just like you I really wanted J.Lo to win at this marriage thing on second thoughts I think she won though cos I heard she tried to make it work, counselling and all that.
    I laughed as I read the Sunday Rendezvous part. Now no one will dance for hours just for a bottle of Limca.

  5. Gosh, I hated sunday rendezvous cos it reminded me the next day was a monday(I still hate mondays). Abt nesarda and power generation, all my imaginations on what this country wud look like after a nuclear disaster are all negative. We’ve got other sources of power generation.

  6. @ Stelzz – Ajaokuta Steel Mill project is on a long thing. With all the investments and money thrown at it, it has not produced a single iron rod in years. I actually think Rochas has the makings of a good governor. Which is why I think the Chief Comedian appointment must be some kind of sick joke.

    @ Half-man – True, but thats the only issue I have criticized him on. It is an unnecessary appointment. By the way, how come you are ‘half-man’? What is the other half? Amazing? Lol

    @ Ohis – Funny enough bro, I am a huge advocate of Nuclear energy . I actually wrote a term paper on it back in Uni. I know the recent events in Japan and the ones of Chernobyl, USSR have put people off, as well as the fear of weapons proliferation, but Nuclear energy could solve our electricity and energy needs in one fell swoop. We do have to resolve other pertinent issues in our national life first – like security and the new menace of religious/ethnic instabilities. Or else, one day, somebody fit carry nuclear reactor go house in the name of stealing. Lol. There you have it.

    @ Okeoghene – NARSDA is our own space agency o. It is commendable but we have not finished exploring Nigeria to talk less of Saturn or Jupiter. Heck, some states in Nigeria might as well be Uranus or Mars to some other Nigerians because Nigeria is large untapped territory.

    I wanted J-Lo to win, this was husband no 3. Maybe she should marry a Nigerian man. I know some Igbo men that will really suit her. Sunday Rendezvouz was a heck of a programme eh? Lol

    @ Reallaw – Yeah you should check that place out when you can. Awesome food. I have checked the blog out – it is really decent. What is his book about though. besides are you a lawyer?

    @ AGK – I can imagine. Bro, remember how people said ATMs or GSM would not work here. Dont knock an idea until you give it a go.

  7. Hey Esco,
    Your blog gets me laffing out loud every time. You have a way of making even sad facts sound hilarious. Well done!
    Pity about the marriage thing tho’. As a firm believer in this important institution, i really feel saddened bout this what with Frank/Kate Edoho going the same way.God help us. About Sunday Rendezvous… i can’t i’m already cracking up – again

    • Thanks Estelle. Hope I keep on having that effect – for my readers to laugh and learn. Shame about Frank/Edoho – his show should be renamed ‘Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire’ Ok bad joke. Sunday Rendezvouz was dance and comedy combined

  8. “Then one day, the chick asked Aniete “Do you think I am a beautiful?”

    Aniete swallowed ten times. He felt like using a cutlass to swear an oath, but he held himself “I think you look amazing.”

    Athena smiled as she blushed “I was afraid that you would not find me attractive”

    Aniete wanted to scream in pidgin: You de craze? My brain dey scatter as I dey look you so.
    But he answered calmly “Oh don’t be silly. You are a work of art” ”

    This cracked me up real bad…….=))

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