Friend Or Foe

A former work-mate Jay was giving me the low-down about something that happened to him recently.

A while back, he had attended an awesome Halloween party, and had decided to go as a traditional masquerade. Ingenious right? The last costume party I attended, I had gone dressed as a Navy Captain. I came away with a few girls’ numbers at the end of the night. Maybe, some mistook me for a rich former Chief of Naval Staff. My uniform did come stacked with my rank and many badges of honor. Ok, too ‘many’ information….

Jay brought the mask back home after the party, and hung it as a decoration on his room wall. It was a really grotesque mask – just imagine the alien’s face in the movie Predator. I chided him for hanging up the mask in his room, as it stuck out like a sore thumb, spoiling the overall décor of the place.

Fast forward, a few months later, he pulled this really hot chick when he met at a wedding in Ikoyi. They spoke on the phone for days, and then she promised to come visit him one Saturday.

Jay got the place ready for the lass’s visit. He tried to make the pad ‘condusive’.

He took out the sofa from the room, so that the girl would have to sit on the bed.

He turned down the thermostat on his split unit AC so that the place was very chilly, in case his female visitor required ‘warming’.

He ‘arranged’ rubbers at every nook and cranny of his pad, to be ready whenever or wherever it went down. He put one on the bedroom dresser, put another under one of the pillows, one on the window seal, another in his pocket, two behind the television unit.

He warned the gateman not to leave his post, to prevent a mix-up.

He did some push-up, pull-ups and bicep curls with really heavy weights. Then he showered, dressed up and sprayed a healthy dose of Pleasures for Men by Estee Lauder.

The girl finally came around 2pm (African time), wearing a really smart tank top, some skin-fitting jeans and some really nice shoes. Jay was like wow! Jay said that she had a figure like a palm-wine keg. 

They chatted a bit, dug into some take-away that Jay had sent his house-boy for, and even watched a bit of the rom-com “Notting Hill”. By the time the part of the movie where Hugh Grant and Julia Robert’s characters climbed a wall into a garden came, Jay and his date had started snogging.

They were making out just fine, almost heading for a technical knock-out, when the girl looked up and noticed the mask.

Jay said that the way this girl flew out of his arms and bed was like a scene from Matrix where Keanu Reeves did a limbo type movement to dodge a bullet in slow motion.

Her voice trembling, she shreiked ‘What is that? Is that ojuju?”

Jay tried to explain calmly “Nah, love. It is just a simple Halloween mask.”

The girl was not convinced. She moved towards the door “What is a grotesque mask doing on your wall? What is it? There must be something wrong with you”

Jay tried to explain to this chick and allay her fears. She nor gree o. The die was cast – she even refused to finish the movie. After a while, she received a ‘phantom’ call from her bestie, and said she had to meet her cousin in Ogudu. She bounced out of the crib like she was running from something.

Jay was left with a bruised ego and the damn mask on the wall. He took it down from the wall, and hung it in his living room instead. Let it bother uninvited guests now instead. Like the landlord and his agents.

In Nigeria, people dey fear. And most tragedies are usually blamed on one’s perceived enemies. If a politician got caught in EFCC’s net for misappropriating public funds; he would usually blame it on perceived enemies who are ‘intimidated by his profile.’

A neighbor’s son got caught with stolen car parts. His ma threw herself on the floor, rolling as she cried ‘My enemies have finally gotten me. Mo ti ku o…”

And at that point, I felt like defending her so-called enemies. I could swear I never saw anyone else with her son, when he living it up, blowing money fast. Even his friends would have been weak.

There was a program on TV sometime recently where a guy said he had just recovered from an ailment. According to him, he had ‘stepped’ on poison which had been an entrapment by his ‘enemies’, and had fallen ill. And I am like, wait a Nigerian minute (which is long by the way if you add African time), which one is ‘step on poison’ again? I never knew people could actually ‘step’ on poison? I thought they just put it in your food or beer, when you stepped away briefly to the loo. Or is there Wi-fi or Bluetooth poison now? But it made me realize how Nigerians feared their enemies.

Sometimes in some quarters, if a person bought a new/used (or tokunboh or Belgium) automobile in Nigeria, family members would gather and make professions, pouring libations on the tires to ward off enemies.

May you trample over your foes with these big-ass 17 inch rims.

May you never ride shot-gun while your enemies are handling the steering wheel. If it is my Bentley, I don’t mind actually.

May you see your enemies in your rear-view and never with your head-lights.

May your enemies be forever in your boot, but never in your bonnet? Don’t say amen here o. Some Ferraris and Lambos have their engines in the trunk instead.

Someone even prayed: May you never go backwards as you drive this car. All well and good, but you still need to reverse out of this tight-ass parking lot after these prayers end.

At church you could see members of the congregation tapping away on their blackberry or catching 40 winks or scoping flesh lustfully, but as soon as the pastor starts prayers binding ad destroying enemies, everyone springs to attention with the chorus of a resounding amen. And why not; you enemies may park behind you on the church car park, and be no-where to be found after service ends to start with.

If every person has enemies, then that means everyone is somehow an enemy to someone right? Then who are the good people then? Am I someone’s enemy even though I wish no man any evil? Haba, na wetin? My take is that everyone who has a village must have enemies.

Think well. Your enemies checked your SSCE, NECO and JAMB results before you did. They are the ones you hid information from when you got a visa for Jand (even the 3 month one).Your enemies were the last to know when you were interviewing for that choice job, but were the first to know when you landed that lucrative contract. If there is a way to trace your facebook page visitors (like Hi-5 used to have, and Linked-In does), you would see that your enemies check on you 24/7.

If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, should I really be hating and cursing him too?

All these postulations and theories are giving me malaria, abeg. As I go to cool off with some tender cow-leg pepper soup (okay this too is hot), let me pray for each and every one of my dear readers as you begin the 2nd half of the year:

May your pain be champagne.

If you are Fanta Chapman just out of the fridge, your enemies would be Limca in a 23cl ‘solo’ bottle straight from the crate.

If you are a Mercedes ML 500 from a V.I. dealership, your enemies would be a Daewoo Racer old model (without AC) with a “For Sale” jerry-can on it.

If you are a Hollywood blockbuster starring Johnny Depp, your foes would be a Yoruba movie with wrong English subtitles and gold tooth alatikas.

If you are a Celebrity poker game on ESPN, your enemies would be a local game of Ludo with 2 of the red and green seeds missing and the glass broken.

If you are a packet of Chivita juice, your enemies would be an agbalumon seed spat on the ground.

If you are a Transformers (movie), your enemies would be NEPA transformers with the mercury missing.

* Just joking, but I wish you all well. God bless.

21 responses

  1. Exactly what I keep telling people; your perceived enemy may actually think ur the enemy o. Nice funny piece Esco! Well done!

  2. Lmho @Someone even prayed: May you never go backwards as you drive this car. All well and good, but you still need to reverse out of this tight-ass parking lot after these prayers end.
    and @May your pain be champagne.

    Your friend’s story is funny. I sort of knew that wud happen because i’ve heard enough stories these days that can put the fear of God in someone. I don’t blame the girl sha. She’s probably heard enough stories too. No one wants to be used for juju after they have gone home.lol

    As for stepping on poison, i know 2 people who have been victims of it more than once and usually its people at the workplace who are eyeing their positions or something.Whether we like it or not it does happen. Its only our belief in God that saves us as ‘we may drink poison but nothing will happen to us.’

    bcos of the way Naija is you cant also blame people. everyone is suspicious of everybody even their so-called friends. a friend is pregnant but will not tell you because they are scared something will happen..or even they will just stop eating at your house or scrutinize your food just to be sure you didn’t put ‘poison’ in it. That’s our society for you sha…and as long as there is poverty in the land, unfortunately that belief will be there for a while…

  3. Pingback: Friend Or Foe | LITERATI:SATIRES ON NIGERIAN LIFE | Today Headlines

  4. wait wait wait – to be palmwine keg no be that 5 litre bottle? or you mean the calabash like keg? cos i am trying to picture the girls figure here and what comes to mine aint sexy.. lol

    lol @ may you never go backward with this car
    you and this your peppersoup you are always rubbing in my face eh!!

  5. @ Thanks Bex. Yeah, and a set of perceived enemies may actually send thunder prayers in exchange without realizing it

    @ Sarah – Glad you enjoyed..

    @ Elle – cheers Elle

    @ Stelzz – thats the frightening thing – it all really happens. May God protect us all.

    @ Angelsbeauty – Lol. I meant the keg of course and not the 5 litre ‘orobo’ bottle. So you can rest your mind assured now. BTW, do you need the hook-up for peppersoup? Just say the word. You could impress your workmates at KPMG. Lol

    @ Myne – Coming from you an accomplished professional writer, that is like music to my ears. How have you been?

  6. Lol! A resounding Amin to all your prayers. Forget it guy, we are nigerians and africans ofcourse we have enemies, most dey village, some dey city with us. Lol the one wey dey village na our parents dem dey chase, the city ones na us. Lol. Seriously sha, I believe in all that juju thing and stepping on poison(seen it happen too). I think it still happens cos our past isn’t still very far, we have only had religion in the last about 100 plus years. And these things are more in some places than others(ask about my kogi people).

  7. @ Muneerah – Somehow I believe it too, though some people over-focus on negativity. You said you have seen it happen? woah

    @ Datcoodude – More grease to yours too bro. Nice one

  8. Dude, you’re about to overtake Bella and Nairaland as my favorite website. This is funny and true. While some do exist, Magun for example, Nigerians overdo everything. Point in case (corruption, weave, the western imports, Photoshop)

  9. Your blog is honestly the funniest I have ever read!!!! Amazing !!!! I in fact I have been reading your posts into the early hours of the morning! Keep up the good work and I love the fact that you reply everyone that comments, it shows how much you appreciate them!!!

    • Whats up Dee? Did I make you laugh and smile? Can I see a picture to evidence that? Just joking. Yep, I try to keep in touch with every one of them – their feedback fuels my thought processes. Do follow us on twitter @EscoWoah, And I appreciate u too!

  10. guy? this is awesome…i do hope ur a guy? if not then, babes???
    but i’m on my seat laffing like a headless chicken…..first day back at work and i had to read this…. u shd be bottled in a perfume bottle for sale to the highest bidder….my first time here(from bella naija), and already, im in love! would’ve said, pls marry me, but i doubt very much if my hubby and 10 month old angel would smile at that… so i guess its pls keep making me laff…..

    • Ah Michelle, I am a guy na. At least the last time I took a leak this morning, I didnt seat down. Lol
      Laughing like a headless chicken? thats serious o, I like that. I love the fact that you are really entertained.
      I would have married you but your husband will gut me and roast me over a fire, and ur angel wont even allow me carry him/her. Lol.
      Do follow us (me) on Twitter @EscoWoah. More articles on the way

  11. If some one wishes expert view on the topic of blogging then i recommend him/her to pay a visit this website, Keep up the fastidious work.

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