Some nights ago I was conversing online with a female friend about the birds and the bees and we got talking about relationships, attractions and physical preferences.
She asked me the million dollar question: “what do you look for in a lass; what features are important to you?”
I thought about it for a brief second “Crazy, sexy, cool.”
Don’t worry, I am not obsessed with TLC‘s magnum opus of the same name or anything – I will explain it to you:
Crazy: A girl who is spontaneous/unpredictable (but nor be girl wey head dey touch o). Crazy not one that has caught craze.
Sexy: A girl who is easy to look at, with sassiness and confidence which are always sexy traits.
Cool: easy going lass with effortless charm and girl-next-door qualities. (Girl next door depends on where I am living at the time. Lekki, yes; Mushin, not so much)
But my friend was not letting me off that easily ‘Your answer is a bit vague. Who is attractive to you? Name a famous person for example’
I wanted to reply sarcastically – I really have no clue. I think most men would be content with any girl who would piss on them, if they were on fire.
Truth be told, I have gone through different phases of what I consider as hot and attractive. As a hot-blooded adolescent in junior secondary school, I once really fancied Phylicia Rashad (Bill Cosby’s wife in The Cosby Show). Then there was a time I thought Kim Basinger was the hottest woman on earth, and then she went and married Alec Baldwin. And most of the lads in my class in secondary school fancied a bit of Sharon Stone, after the interrogation scene in the movie Basic Instinct, during which she flashed her crotch as she crossed her leg.
On the Nigerian scene, sex symbols were few and far between. Mainly because most beauties when I was growing up, were mainly beauty pageant queens, and due to the prevalent conservatism at the time, it was hard to pin point outstanding hotties in the public eye. In those days, women who entered entertainment were deemed as saying goodbye to their chances of future marriage. Regina Askia’s eyes look interesting though. And that faired-skinned cutie in the 80s Joy Soap advert (a.k.a “Joy Girl”) was really hot, though she had guys falling over themselves on the street while she smiled at them and shook her head as if to say ‘nice try, but nothing for una.”
Recently, some of my choices of examples of beauties have been a bit iffy and some a bit weird. It helps if the girl has peculiar features, or an interesting/different look as most people nowadays seem to look, smell and dress the same. I think Scarlet Johansson and Moon Bloodgood look nice by the way. If it is a black chick, I fancy a brown skinned beauty – something about cocoa skin reminds me of chocolate (or amala).
I remembered the 80s hit movie Weird Science where 2 n.e.r.d’s used a super computer to create their ideal chick. I recently saw a video for Le Petit Marche where they were promoting a “Buy Nigerian” initiative, even though their fashion market had the “Frenchest”and most “un-Nigerian” of names. They should have used Igbo instead if they were that pro-Nigerian, and called it Afia Ntakiri.
I still had my friend on the phone waiting for me to answer her question, and I didn’t want to sound like an asshole using only oyibo examples for women I considered attractive or as my ideal choice. I knew a few hot black women examples, but they were not people in the public eye so I couldn’t use them as examples.
Thinking about that Weird Science movie, I imagined that if I had a machine which could construct the perfect Nigerian woman, what features would I take and from whom?
- Waje’s boobs (no, not the real human Waje, but the Waje cartoon character in the new M.I video for ‘Action Film’)
- Kel’s lips (I like ponmo lips; get your Angelina Jolie on)
- Omowunmi Akinfesi’s fore-head (it is smooth like a pumice stone). If I can’t have Omowunmi’s, I will settle for Adaure Achumba’s own minus the accent though)
- Ebube Nwagbo’s booty (I once saw her in a movie where she sported white jeans)
- Eku Edewor’s complexion (So that I don’t have to buy her any Brazilian weaves. Plus when we go out on dates, people will call her ‘oyibo madam’, give us freebies because of that, and allow her jump queues and get passes because she is ‘half-caste’)
- Nse Ikpe Etim’s diction. Enough said. She’s one of the only lasses that I have heard speak pidgin that I was not put off by.
- Sasha’s cheeks – so I can pull them as a sign of endearment (Her cheeks look like she has two big udara seeds in her mouth). I also liked the hit song “Adara.”
- ChiDynma’s gap-teeth – In my village, gap-teeth are a sign of beauty, and so I would be able to take her back home and show her off in the village square. I also have some jigida belly beads for her to model for me. Also so that she could explain to me why she has a capital “D” in the middle of her name.
- Tiwa Savage’s legs. Actually I could use a lot of features from Tiwa – her fingers, her toes, her elbows etc. I know a guy who thinks Tiwa is proper fine; so much that he swore that if he ever married her, he would take her surname, have all day lie-ins with her, and change his name to Randy Savage. Na wa o.
- Mo Cheddar’s swagger. Did you see her ‘drop it low’ dance in the music video ‘The Finest’ by Knighthouse? Awon beri.
- Nicole Chukwueke’s nose. I can know if my perfect girl is telling me porkies (ala Pinocchio). Our favorite song would be Mario Winan’s “You should really know/ if you’re playing games, keep it on the low.” Nicole is hot by the way – shorty is a 10 over 10, 10 over 10, 10 over 10. Shikena. Ok, I really should quit now.
- Munachi Abi’s singing/rapping talent. I like listening to my love interest singing in the shower. Especially on those mornings where NEPA has taken the power, and I can’t listen to my favorite radio station when getting ready for work.
- Mo Abudu’s smile – she will need it for all those dodgy in-laws, home-breakers from my village, fake friends and jealous well-wishers. She would just show her crocodile smile like “Thank you oh for your compliments. Na God oh” before her smile returns back to a scowl.
- Goldie’s err…..locks?
- ‘Toolz’ Curves – Just imagine Wana’s voluptuous assets in that ThisDay Newspaper dress. Wow! That’s going to take a whole lot of newspapers.
- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s brilliance – Marilyn Monroe got hitched to the playwright Arthur Miller because she wanted to be taken a lot more seriously by marrying a member of the intelligentsia. Okay, bad example. But by incorporating Ms Chimamanda, there is a little dose of academic intellect to round off the perfect Nigerian lass. Besides she is economic power personified – she could ghost-write my blogs and turn my un- intelligible musings into a world class best-sellers. Imagine being able to buy The Chronicles of Esco at an airport bookshop (Heathrow, JFK, Schiphol and Owerri Airports to name a few)
So there you have it – the makings of The All-Nigerian Girl.
And after it is all said and done, I would still have to ‘toast’ my creation because all Nigerian girls require you to win them over. And what better way to convince a lass of my intentions than to dedicate one of my favourite songs of all time to her.
‘Get to me’ by the band Train.