Hey Esco

 

Question 1:

Hey Esco,

My girlfriend cut her long hair into a shot bob and dyed it red, trying to mimic Kelly Rowland and Rihanna at the same time. The only problem is that her ogo now resembles ‘tortoise wey wear cap’. It has reached the point where I am now ashamed to go anywhere with her, as her new look dey fall my hand seriously. Help!

(Sleepless in Sabo, Lagos)

Answer: Bros, you be serious armpit o! How can you be in a relationship and cower from telling your girlfriend how you feel. This is the only time in your relationship that you can give your girl your whole-hearted opinion, which she would expect seeing that you lot are dating. Once you get married, your mere opinion is not enough, as you are expected to pay for any changes you want. In marriage, if you say you dislike your wife’s lipstick, better have cash ready to fork out for Revlon and Estee Lauder. If you tell her to chill a bit on her intake of pounded yam, be ready to pay for that gym membership, as well as sleep on the couch for days.

Your own even better sef. One of my exes ended up doing gorimakpa with a Papa Ajasco type mullet from trying to copy an Eve hairdo. My friend’s wife messed up on the peroxide coloring when she was trying to dye her hair pink like Pink, and ended up looking like someone had poured iodine on her hair.

As I said earlier, your girlfriend would expect you to be frank and upfront with her. The trick is that balance is key. Make your point with subtlety so that you do not hurt her ego. You may ask that she change something while complimenting her on another thing. For example, you may say ‘I don’t like this your hairstyle which looks like Yellow Fever. Please could you re-touch your lovely hair. My best features on you are your ample Cossy Orjiakor type boobs though. They are a real milk factory.’

By the way, why do some girls like copying foreign stars’ hairdos? How come no-one ever does an Onyeka Onwenu fade, or a Weird MC crew cut? #Just de ask o!

Bros, good luck o.

Forever,

Esco

QUESTION 2:

Hey Esco,

I have a friend whose suffers from acute mouth odour.  Oh my days, this boy’s dragon breath is worse than Mushin dump. And the guy no dey help himself – he always likes to whisper things to people when he can just talk from afar. This guy’s breath is so bad that when he speaks into a microphone at an event, people still smell him. He is my closest friend, and we have known each other since primary school. I am about to get married in August and he is my best man. Wetin I go do?  Should I tell him?

(Gbenga, Dolphin Estate Ikoyi)

Answer: Yeah I would have a word, if I were you. But if the guy strong pass you, make you get ready for maximum beating.

Nah seriously, this issue is one of the greatest questions of life. To tell or not to tell? Back in Uni, I had a mate called Wale with this same problem. Wale was clueless about his mouth odour, and was oblivious even when someone called him ‘sewer mouth’ when they once had an argument.

And it was affecting his social life too. He really fancied this girl but she refused to date or get intimate with him. He ‘toasted’ her for 4 straight semesters, but she never gave him a reason for  not going out with him. In the end, she started dating a guy with really big white gnashers.

In the end, I and two mutual friends Femi and Segun agreed that we would have to tell him. We tried to nominate one of us, but no one elected to do the dirty deed. We decided to draw lots by pulling three broomsticks and breaking them to different lengths. The broomsticks were then held by another chap, and everyone pulled a stick. Segun came up with the shortest stick and had to tell Wale before the end of the day.

Segun cowered from telling Wale as he didn’t know how to put it. So the next evening, we were at a joint eating, when Femi just blurted out: ‘Wale, I am sorry, but your breath stinks..’

You could hear a pin drop.

Wale carried on eating his meal of amala and vegetable like he hadn’t heard a thing.

We all let it slide for the moment, so that he won’t feel humiliated.

Later that night, I and Femi put an arm around his shoulder, as we went for a walk and chat. We explained that he had chronic halitosis. From now on, changes had to be made and we would do everything in our power to help and support him, one mate to another.

We also gave him some rules: He had to upgrade to Colgate or Macleans and leave all those mild sugary toothpastes alone. He had to brush his teeth and gaggle at least 3 times daily with Listerine mouthwash.

He took our advice without fight, and his make-over was smooth. He even bagged him a girlfriend some months later – a petit cutie who had won an award for Miss Cutest Smile. A match made in heaven, I say.

They are now married, and Wale earns a good living as a life coach giving business and personal development speeches around Nigeria. No one has walked out of any of his sessions yet.

Bruv, in addition to the above, advise your mate to keep away from spicy and smelly foods like suya, beans, fufu, lafun, egg yolk and garlic. He may also want to cut down on the alcohol intake too. Don’t drink palmi, akpeteshi, ogogoro, push-me-I-push-you, Sapele water, paraga etc. Alcoholic and acidic drinks escalate mouth odors.

He should also use a very good toothbrush with sturdy bristles, and stop buying ‘made in Singapore’ cheap ones. I would recommend ‘Jordan Classic Double Action Toothbrush’ made by Rokana Industries PLC, a Nigerian firm. He would be supporting ‘Made in Nigeria’ while keeping his gnashers people-friendly. For a toothpaste, allow me point him to ‘Darbur Herbal Toothpaste.’ It expresses a green colored paste and tastes like ugwu, but pain is beauty, bro. You practically see all the particles, grains of sand and mud when you spit out into the sink.

Finally, tell him while you both are alone. Dangle an incentive for him to get his oral game in order – you would ask your girl to hook him up with one of the bridesmaids after the wedding. Or he would not have to wear the dodgy aso-ebi outfit with ridiculous colors at the engagement.

Let me know how it goes.

Peace.

Forever

Esco

 

Audience, please chip in with any additional advice or parting words for them as well.

3 responses

  1. LWKMD, that second one..na too much. I have never understood the issue with telling someone that their breath smells bad. its not even that serious. Yeah it may hurt their feelings but its not the worse thing in the world to ever happen and its easily fixable, especially if the issue was diet or poor oral hygiene. In the long run im sure they will thank you for it anyhow.

    My own, i don’t want some guy im just dating to feel free to speak of any perceived shortcomings. Its not your “right” or “expected” but thats just me. You don’t have to stifle yourself but at the same time not everything i do (and especially something as trivial as a hairdo) is going to be for you or about you.

  2. I had a colleague who had the nastiest body odour you could ever imagine on this side of Niger. She’s married with two adorable kids and I would have sleepless nights wondering how they ( I meant both couples) could stand such nasty odour while making out. Very pretty woman with a knock out figure but smells bad. For a long time, nobody at the office could tell her anything.

    I stomached it for as long as I could and when it became unbearable, I had to tell her one cool morning about it’s attendant consequences for her career if she does not get rid of the odour. She was embarrassed and almost tore up in tears but she came through eventually and took my suggestion to heart. Nowadays, she cleans up real good and we have remained good friends.

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