“Some girls endure spanking from dudes with benjamin franklin notes while they ignore the good fellas like Kirk Franklin.”
A great man once said the above statements and it rings true. Some women would endure rough treatment for moneyed guys just to enjoy the financial perks of a relationship.
Ok, truthfully I thought up the above line some years ago during my player/lyricist phase. I also grew an ‘Emeka Ani’ bear bear (beard) and started eating eba with a spoon instead of my fingers. My mid-twenties crisis.
Ok scratch the above paragraph.
I once heard a pastor say ‘If you do not love your wife, please pretend.’
Wow! In Nigeria, with the incessant traffic, PHCN’s epileptic ogbanje operations and the myriad of other issues, you have to pretend you ‘send’ your wife?
But this rule only applies to wives – not girlfriends or baby-mamas. So if your fella does not love you, he does not have to be a hypocrite. He can kick your ass to the curb, and he has a legit backing. But what if you should have seen this coming, or did and chose to ignore the sign.
Ladies, I am going to be over-frank. One of the merits of being an anonymous blogger is that I can write from the heart, and escape Nobs-gate type repercussions. I won’t confess to being the slickest out there. I was the same person who could not tell if a girl fancied him unless she spelt ‘I Really Dig You’ with chin chin and served me those on a platter. A girl used to stop by my desk every morning at work, and bring me over a cuppa, but I could not tell if she liked my PC screensaver or me instead. I could not even tell when she suggested after-work movies and drinks at Silverbird. The movie showing was ‘P.S. I Love You’. I was more concerned that she wanted us to go see a chick-flick. I wanted to see The Departed instead. Yeah, I could have my ‘Steve Urkel’ moments.
Some Naija girls bring heartbreak and romantic disillusionment upon themselves at times. Yep, sometimes chicks do get involved with the wrong fellas for the wrong reason, and others need to learn the ‘traffic lights’ code of relationships. There are red, yellow and green lights on the streets of love relations. Let me play the role of LASTMA and explain the rules.
Green lights are positive signals which mean that all is going well. In fact with green, you can start secretly visiting Balogun markets to choose colors for your aso-ebi. You may even book yourself in for a marriage counseling course at your Pentecostal church even though your love interest has not proposed. Heck, you can start the course alone sef. You may even give money to the small chops woman to start buying yeast and groundnut oil for the event even though marriage or a wedding date has never been discussed between you and your bobo.
If you are already engaged, green light means you should start planning your Silver Jubilee, sef.
Yellow means you should tread carefully in the relationship – your dude is starting to try to do you ‘turn, turn, turner.’ Yellow means proceed jejely because you are in a banana peel situation in the relationship, as your fella has started acting dodgy. You should have the same uneasy sense of security as we all have when NEPA gives you light in your house for 2 days straight. You know the darkness is coming two-fold.
Red light is a signal of the epic failure of the relationship; you should call it quits now, change your Facebook status to ‘single’ and get the inevitable one million irritating comments and enquiries from nosey-parkers, brush yourself up, and head to the next possible social event in search of toasters.
Let me entertain you with examples.
- Your bobo prefers to take you to the cinema at the least crowded times, and goes straight to the back row (also known as Death Row). You get the feeling that he is not interested in the movie at all, but rather how he can un-hook your bra strap without alerting over movie watchers. If a guy refuses to watch a single frame of an action movie like Batman Begins, but would rather have you straddle him in a public cinema hall, you need to be careful. Trust me, it’s not cause you are so hot.
In fact if you have a boyfie who tries to shag you anywhere or any chance he gets without an iota of thought or respect for your dignity, you need to run 440. Back in Uni, there was this chap who was going out with a chick, and was living in a school male hall. He smuggled the lass into his room in the hall every weekend, where she would sleep 2 consecutive nights over along with 7 other room-mates.
Dude used to shag this girl on the top bunk. Everybody in that particular block in the hostel knew to tune in every Friday and Saturday night to watch free mojo. His room-mates pretended to sleep, even the slacker in the bed below. The girl is now married to someone else and is living in PH. (YELLOW LIGHT)
- Dude walks in front of you, or way behind you in public. Don’t blame yourself for being a slow walker; he is probably ashamed to be seen with you in public. And if he is ashamed to be seen with you in public, why should you want to be with him? I know this girl who was really large. Her fella was really ashamed of her because he said she walked like ‘someone who doesn’t have any problems.’ Why would he want to be with someone who came across as problematic?
Some fellas are this way with their spouses too; especially those who had a marriage arranged for them. They introduce their spouses with a reluctant whisper, like ‘…and here is my wif…..oh excuse me, my phone is ringing. Ah, international call…’ (RED LIGHT)
2. If your boyfriend tries to toast your friends, that is a bad sign. Guys are usually seen as nkita (dog in Igbo) who would shag anything if they could, but there are boundaries. I am not justifying cheating, but come on. If a guy starts making passes at your childhood bestie, it means he knows that there is a chance that she may spill the beans to you, and he does not care.
Like Shawn Carter the Jay Z rapped in the song ‘Ain’t No Nigga’, “You watch your friends, you gotta watch me; they connive and shit…” (RED LIGHT).
3. His best friend who you think is an absolute follow-follow tries to chat you up. The best friend starts with subtle stuff like asking you for your BB pin or adding you on facebook/Twitter. Then he starts trying to hook up meetings where your boyfriend somehow won’t be present.
Guys usually have as their very close friends, people who they have known most of their lives. And unlike girls, we do not make new friends every other day and fall out with old ones. There are never petty jealousies in male friendships so most friendships wax strong.
That being said, many male friends are not averse to ‘sharing’ and that extends to women. It is a subtle form of ‘gang-bang’ where one friend dates a girl and shags her, breaks up with her, and tries to pass her off to his mate. Usually the girl would have no clue, and use the friend’s shoulder as a base to cry on and end up having him as a rebound. It was planned.
I have made enemies now by revealing this long protected secret – please salute me. Shine your eyes too. (RED LIGHT)
4. He ‘bbs’ you or does Facebook/yahoo chats but never wants to hear your voice. It does not matter if you guys exchange enough correspondence to fill a full-scap notebook; if a guy is into you, he would want to hear your voice via phone calls or face to face ‘whispers of sweet-nothings.’ If anytime you call, he begs you to drop so that you can chat instead, that is nothing sweet. It is either he doesn’t really fancy you, or that your spoken English is full of grammatical ‘shells’ or you have serious mouth odour. Either way keep the Kleenex tissues close and a health tube of Macleans Toothpaste. Better to drop him like a call on MTN’s network. (YELLOW LIGHT)
5. A dude that is not into you would not care about what you do. He is interested in seeing you undress and not your progress. Someone I know was asked what his new girlfriend does for a living. He replied ‘ She is a.. err….consultant.’ In Nigeria, ‘consultant’ means that either she does nothing for a living, or the person is not sure. (YELLOW LIGHT)
6. Bros does not ‘send’ you. No, he literally does not send you. Chaps like see their girls as an extension of themselves. If a guy is into you, he would suck you into his world and want you to be a part of everything. He may even give you small tasks like entrusting important information or items in your care, asking you for little favors which show you are a huge part of his life.
Asking you to boil or run hot water for his bath or develop ‘yams’ pounding yam for his dinner does not constitute ‘sending you’. (RED LIGHT).
Please share your own experiences with partners who were not that into you or vice versa.
Babes keep your heads up, legs closed and eyes open..
act like she don’t see the exit sign/
Start crying, how much she love Shyne/
Shyne (Get Out, 1999)