The Pounded Yam and Pure Water Awards (5)

E sweet o


YOU TOO MUCH JARE

  • Sony Google TV – A few weeks back,  I got a Sony TV powered by Google using Android’s platform and all I can say is ‘Wow!’ The TV has Wifi and so you can stream videos from internet channels and websites like CNN, Hulu Plus and YouTube and watch them on the huge screen. As soon as I unpacked it from its box, and set it up, I quickly went to the Nollywood channel on YouTube and searched for Funke Akindele’s Omo Ghetto; then I grabbed a chilled drink, popped some popcorn and sat back to watch. Amazing – I could see every detail like every pimple on the acts’ faces and every shower of spit spewed in angst as they spoke their native dialect.

I must confess that I would really like to see Ebube Nwagbo’s voluptuous features in a 3D movie in the future though. She is something…

  • Plantain chips (ikpekere) and guacamole. All I can say is – what an awesome combination. I discovered this one by accident, while looking for something to eat in the kitchen. This should definitely be showcased at the Taste Of Lagos  event coming up this December. I am expecting my royalty check/commission for my idea in the mail o.

I will also recommend the following, if you have never tried –

*  Banana and ‘gra-nut’.

* Coconut and corn.

* Coconut and ijakpu miri (tapioca).

* Speedy chocolate biscuit in cold milk  (a la Cornflakes).

* Spaghetti and suya.

* Mushrooms in okra soup

*  Bread and akara.

 

  • The country singer John Rich winning  America’s Celebrity Apprentice. What an awesome show. Nene Leakes lost the plot though. Ghetto. We need Nigeria’s own Celebrity Apprentice hosted by say, OBJ. Something tells me that he would give the contestants plenty of tasks on Ota Farm, like ‘Go into the forest behind the farm and fetch me the biggest grass-cutter bushmeat’. Honestly,  I would really like to see some Nigerian celebs being put though their paces.
  • The Nigerian girl who got admitted to Harvard at only age 15. Nigerians are really going places and this is no mean feat. I think the government should give her a scholarship or some kind of incentive, no?

 

If it is worth anything, I started nursery school when I was 2. Actually I was only technically 22 months old. Does that count? That must be some kind of record. I was the only child in school with a feeding bottle. Yes I cried my eyes off, when my ma dropped me off, I but I still remained in school and learned my ABCs. Ok, let me be honest, I was also pacified by the Samco yoghurt drink and jam donuts they gave us during breaks.

If it is also worth anything, back in Uni in Nigeria, I stayed in a school hostel in my first year and there was a 40-year-old chap called Walata who had been in the school system since the late 80s. He had plenty of carry-overs and leaves of absence. He actually loved remaining in the school environment as it was safer than the outside world. He also always got his way because he was older and ‘wiser’ and nobody wanted to mess with a barrel-chested hairy dude who was bigger and older than everyone else. There was also a very young chap – the youngest in the room – a really geeky chap called Ose who was only 17.

Due to the age difference, Ose used to call Walata ‘sir.’

Anyway, salutation isn’t love.


Dulling...

GO HUG TRANSFORMER

  • The outgoing Governor of my state and all/any other non-performing outgoing governors. All I can say is ‘Gerrout, Your Excellency’. And this abuse also goes out to any government official of any state who misappropriate state government funds. They should be hung, drawn and quartered – and I don’t mean 25% (mobilization or bribe). Have you seen how poor village and rural people live? Why deny them a better life so that you can have a fleet of Mercedes SUVs? Mondiots! (Monkey + Idiot).
  • The current practice of people replying a divergent opinion in an argument by starting with the words ‘Ermm…’ Normally this is done by the sayer to try to make the recipient look dumb while discountenancing the latter’s point of view. If I catch you, eh?

But seriously, saying ‘Ermm….’ sounds sooo retarded. It gets on my damn nerve too. I remember the time when people used to use the ‘face-palm’ smiley. Why are we not original in Nigeria? Someone should invent a ‘waka’ smiley.

  • Supposedly squeaky clean Manchester United star Ryan Giggs has joined the ranks of those who have been caught with their hands in the ‘away match’ cookie jar, along with Arnold Schwarzenegger and most of the politicians in Nigeria. Abegi.

 

I do not condone their behavior, but who am I to judge? I am the type of guy who always rooted for the bad guy in the movies (usually known as the ‘boss’).

I choose not to criticize the Tiger Woods of this world as I would rather focus on their unique talents. And Schwarzo has plenty o. In fact some of his wise-crack quips and punch lines in movies are the stuff of legend. Let me leave you with one or two:

  1. In the movie 1985 Commando, while on an airplane about to take-off,  Arnie smashed a bad guy’s face thereby killing the guy and then covered the face with the man’s hat to make it look like the man was catching a quick nap. He then called the air-hostess’s attention and pleaded ‘ Don’t disturb my friend, he is dead tired.’ 
  2. In 1990’s Total Recall, Arnie blessed us with a few gems. He discovered that his wife(played by Sharon Stone) had been an agent planted to kill him. In an ensuing fight and shoot-out, he draws out a pistol and makes to snuff the life out of her. She pleads saying that he would not dare kill his wife. He replies with a sick smile after he shoots her: ‘ Consider that a divorce’. 
  3. In Predator, he is taking out a posse of bad guy soldiers, and is nearly ambushed by a guy trying to sneak up on him from behind. Arnie quickly turns around, and tosses a big army knife at the guy, pinning him to the wall, as he said ‘Stick around…’ See it here.

Ah, when will Nollywood catch up with smart dialogues and witty movie exchanges? Ermmm….don’t hold your breath.

17 responses

  1. Coconut and Ijebu Garri is a sure winner anytime anyday as well. Took me some time to try the coconut and corn combo, didn’t realise it was that scrumptious. Hey Esco, if your readers are interested in a travel documentary scholarship to Australia by World Nomads which will be aired on Nat Geo, they can check for more information on my blog. Thanks

  2. Gosh, I feel like I’ve just been told off. I do the “erm” thing all the time – I shall be checking myself there.

    It’s funny you used to root for the bad guys in movies, most times I’d refuse to feel sorry for the hero of the movie when something bad happened to them – more often than not it’s because they’ve been daft. That said, the whole Giggsy affair is a joke, take the super injunction out of the equation and the story would have died ages ago.

  3. @ Jan – Sorry for the late reply.Thats an awesome idea. I would post it up. I am adding you to my blogroll as well. Coconut and Ijebu garri? Really? never tried it before. How do you combine it. Do you drink the garri then chew the coconut or break the coconuts into little bits in the garri.

    @ Tomi – Cheers. Glad you enjoyed. You too much jare. I will stop by your blog again and again.

    @ Ms Luffa – Did I tell you off by default? Nah….Lol. If it is your thing, dont stop on account of me. I suck my teeth without knowing myself.

    Well it depends on who the hero is, doesnt it. Kirsten Stewart’s character in the Twilight movie series used to get on my damn nerve cos she used to act like an ode. I was always hoping that one of the werewolves would chop her by mistake..#just joking.

    Funny enough the Giggsy thing is not making as much headlines like say if it were Rooney or Ashley Cole involved. I understand that it happened ages ago and only just came to light cos of the injunction but surely this squeaky clean guys shld really have been taken to the cleaners by The Sun and News Of the World more than he is now. Imogen get power sha. Lol

  4. Lol @ the Twilight babe, how annoying and moody was that character. I read the books before watching and I really couldn’t stand the angst and brooding, she seriously needed to get bitten by something – wolf, vampire, lion gan sef!

    Imogen is hungry and needs to secure her future, I won’t be surprised if she’s hired Max Clifford to sort out her publicity, I tire for them jare.

    • Ah, Max Clifford the super -publicists who can make black, white, Lol
      He would probably get her a book deal and a reality TV show called ‘ Giggli – The Minger and the Welsh Winger’ Lol

  5. Banana and gra-nut! Oya chop knuckle abeg, the Warri girl in me did a happy dance over that one.

    Walata,every school has a few walata’s too many. I remember one guy like that in my school…

    I cannot believe you rooted for the ‘boss’, lol, i hated them with their custom tailored Italian suits, loved the dark shades though.

    Arnie et al need to be smacked, then flogged. With koboko’s laced generously with ‘Bhut Jolokia’ pepper on a hot summer day

    I also say erm, a lot, but i only do it when i’m trying to gather my thoughts

    Ebube Nwagbo eh? I see you like em thick……

  6. Esco, the ijebu garri and coconut combo is enjoyed best when you break pieces of the coconut into your garri mix. The taste and feeling is fantastic especially when it’s garri soaked in cold water with sugar….simply delicious.

    Thanks for adding me to your blogroll and giving a shout out on the travel doc scholarships.

  7. @ Mimi B. I didnt know you were a Waffarian. Ah, get ready for steady stream of Waffi banter.
    Did Arnie really fall your hand like that? Its funny that people are baying for his blood. Someone even suggested that the Terminator should go and hug a transformer. As if it wont give him more power! Ok bad joke, it was me who said that.

    Oh so you are a thoughts gatherer, and not an opinion debater. Thats fair enough.

    Is Ms Nwagbo thick? How do you like them urself?

    @ Jan – I am really beginning to fear you o. I will experiment with it soon, and let everyone know how it went. If no one hears from me after 7 days, you guys should hold Jan o. Lol
    By the way, can it work with yellow garri? Somehow I can see the palm-oil in the yellow garri neutralizing the coconut taste.

    No probs as per the blogroll. Ur blog rocks – what a breath of fresh air it is.
    Stay strong.

  8. dont worry nollywood would soon arrive. and i would be the first female director to produce my first action[war movie] am talking aks blazzing forests running dodging the enemies bullets i have great locations[not tinapa] i dont know why people wont leave my arnold alone abeg if them no want am i go take am…. love this blog so much its very cool really tired of fashion blogs.keep it up esco you doing a great job hoping readers can write stuff soonest and post it would be fun.before i forget in my future movie ebube nwagbo would play the heroine ……. the halle berry water scene

  9. @ Jan – Oh I will try it then. Lol

    @ Ivie – You too much jare. More grease to your elbows with the movie directing thing. And to be fair, Nollywood is on the come-up. So you like ‘war films’ as well. A Nigerian war film will be off the chain. Gentle Jack could play Rambo. Uche Jombo and Shan George could play ‘Thelma and Louise.’

    Why use Tinapa? Let me recommend my home-town. You would have access to beautiful scenery and lots of unpaid extras.

    Ha, wahala dey o. Since Ebube is going to play the Halle Berry water scene, could I play James Bond? Or can I be her Billy Bob Thorton like the movie Monster ‘Ball’? My acting sucks, but who cares – Van Vicker is doing just fine. Get it? Doing just fine.

    Cheers for stopping by.

  10. Esco, I want to say this without appearing to be rude to other contributors, however I just read the two latest posts and I didn’t enjoy it anywhere near as much as I enjoy yours. In fact, the second post about the Aboriginals in Australia was the first one on your page that I have been unable to finish because I found it very boring.
    Basically, I want to ask if you could limit the amount of external contributions to your blog? At the end of the day, I personally come here to read your posts. I especially did not like the fact that there was little or no humour in the most recent posts unlike ‘The Response: Men We Love and Hate (by Mimi Barber)’. I liked this particular post almost as much as I like all of yours. I also felt it was more in tune with the style of the rest of your posts. I feel that any external contributions should be more like Mimi Barber’s post.
    Please consider what I have said, I am your loyal ‘customer’ and I will definitely be voting for your blog at the upcoming awards.
    Cheers🙂

  11. esco ok would recomend your village so long as there are lots of bushes yea you can be the james bond or billy bob thorton for the role of the efcc agent i most definetely would use jim iyke for the role of the corrupt politician hmmmmn still thinking of who that would be. i love war movies seriously all that gun shooting jumping men thats d ish speaking of which have you seen fast five? damn now thats my kind of movie. thanks for replying to my post really love your site

Have a say!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s