YOU TOO MUCH JARE
- Sony Google TV – A few weeks back, I got a Sony TV powered by Google using Android’s platform and all I can say is ‘Wow!’ The TV has Wifi and so you can stream videos from internet channels and websites like CNN, Hulu Plus and YouTube and watch them on the huge screen. As soon as I unpacked it from its box, and set it up, I quickly went to the Nollywood channel on YouTube and searched for Funke Akindele’s Omo Ghetto; then I grabbed a chilled drink, popped some popcorn and sat back to watch. Amazing – I could see every detail like every pimple on the acts’ faces and every shower of spit spewed in angst as they spoke their native dialect.
I must confess that I would really like to see Ebube Nwagbo’s voluptuous features in a 3D movie in the future though. She is something…
- Plantain chips (ikpekere) and guacamole. All I can say is – what an awesome combination. I discovered this one by accident, while looking for something to eat in the kitchen. This should definitely be showcased at the Taste Of Lagos event coming up this December. I am expecting my royalty check/commission for my idea in the mail o.
I will also recommend the following, if you have never tried –
* Banana and ‘gra-nut’.
* Coconut and corn.
* Coconut and ijakpu miri (tapioca).
* Speedy chocolate biscuit in cold milk (a la Cornflakes).
* Spaghetti and suya.
* Mushrooms in okra soup
* Bread and akara.
- The country singer John Rich winning America’s Celebrity Apprentice. What an awesome show. Nene Leakes lost the plot though. Ghetto. We need Nigeria’s own Celebrity Apprentice hosted by say, OBJ. Something tells me that he would give the contestants plenty of tasks on Ota Farm, like ‘Go into the forest behind the farm and fetch me the biggest grass-cutter bushmeat’. Honestly, I would really like to see some Nigerian celebs being put though their paces.
- The Nigerian girl who got admitted to Harvard at only age 15. Nigerians are really going places and this is no mean feat. I think the government should give her a scholarship or some kind of incentive, no?
If it is worth anything, I started nursery school when I was 2. Actually I was only technically 22 months old. Does that count? That must be some kind of record. I was the only child in school with a feeding bottle. Yes I cried my eyes off, when my ma dropped me off, I but I still remained in school and learned my ABCs. Ok, let me be honest, I was also pacified by the Samco yoghurt drink and jam donuts they gave us during breaks.
If it is also worth anything, back in Uni in Nigeria, I stayed in a school hostel in my first year and there was a 40-year-old chap called Walata who had been in the school system since the late 80s. He had plenty of carry-overs and leaves of absence. He actually loved remaining in the school environment as it was safer than the outside world. He also always got his way because he was older and ‘wiser’ and nobody wanted to mess with a barrel-chested hairy dude who was bigger and older than everyone else. There was also a very young chap – the youngest in the room – a really geeky chap called Ose who was only 17.
Due to the age difference, Ose used to call Walata ‘sir.’
Anyway, salutation isn’t love.
GO HUG TRANSFORMER
- The outgoing Governor of my state and all/any other non-performing outgoing governors. All I can say is ‘Gerrout, Your Excellency’. And this abuse also goes out to any government official of any state who misappropriate state government funds. They should be hung, drawn and quartered – and I don’t mean 25% (mobilization or bribe). Have you seen how poor village and rural people live? Why deny them a better life so that you can have a fleet of Mercedes SUVs? Mondiots! (Monkey + Idiot).
- The current practice of people replying a divergent opinion in an argument by starting with the words ‘Ermm…’ Normally this is done by the sayer to try to make the recipient look dumb while discountenancing the latter’s point of view. If I catch you, eh?
But seriously, saying ‘Ermm….’ sounds sooo retarded. It gets on my damn nerve too. I remember the time when people used to use the ‘face-palm’ smiley. Why are we not original in Nigeria? Someone should invent a ‘waka’ smiley.
- Supposedly squeaky clean Manchester United star Ryan Giggs has joined the ranks of those who have been caught with their hands in the ‘away match’ cookie jar, along with Arnold Schwarzenegger and most of the politicians in Nigeria. Abegi.
I do not condone their behavior, but who am I to judge? I am the type of guy who always rooted for the bad guy in the movies (usually known as the ‘boss’).
I choose not to criticize the Tiger Woods of this world as I would rather focus on their unique talents. And Schwarzo has plenty o. In fact some of his wise-crack quips and punch lines in movies are the stuff of legend. Let me leave you with one or two:
- In the movie 1985 Commando, while on an airplane about to take-off, Arnie smashed a bad guy’s face thereby killing the guy and then covered the face with the man’s hat to make it look like the man was catching a quick nap. He then called the air-hostess’s attention and pleaded ‘ Don’t disturb my friend, he is dead tired.’
- In 1990’s Total Recall, Arnie blessed us with a few gems. He discovered that his wife(played by Sharon Stone) had been an agent planted to kill him. In an ensuing fight and shoot-out, he draws out a pistol and makes to snuff the life out of her. She pleads saying that he would not dare kill his wife. He replies with a sick smile after he shoots her: ‘ Consider that a divorce’.
- In Predator, he is taking out a posse of bad guy soldiers, and is nearly ambushed by a guy trying to sneak up on him from behind. Arnie quickly turns around, and tosses a big army knife at the guy, pinning him to the wall, as he said ‘Stick around…’ See it here.
Ah, when will Nollywood catch up with smart dialogues and witty movie exchanges? Ermmm….don’t hold your breath.