He loves me, he loves me not; she loves me, she loves me not. We have all heard the phrase – there is a thing line between love and hate. I beg to differ on every scale. In between love and hate is a man/woman’s broken heart and a quest for vengeance.
We have all seen movies where ex-girlfriends flipped on the chaps who had caused them heartache. We have seen movies like Martin Lawrence’s 1996 flick ‘There is a thin line between love and hate.’ We also saw a classic case of kolo, mixed with infactuation in the thriller ‘Fatal Attraction.’ May your ex never try to knife you to death with a cutlass.
In the movie ‘Endless Love’ the heartbroken chap burnt the house down. In rural parts of Nigeria, we have heard cases of angry men trying to burn the woman down – with acid from batteries. Fire and love do not go together eh? Unless you are lighting a candle for a candle-light dinner date.
I would not say that I have dated hoardes of women in my short eventful life, even though I have ‘been’ with quite a few. The slim, the orobo, the slender, the lekpashious, the ridiculous, the jagbajantis, the ones that shoot competitors dagger eyes, the meek and accepting.
Bolanle, Temi, Jadesola, Akunna, Hauwa, Sandra, Ekanem, Ibie, Tokunbo, Taiwo, Chisom, Alero, Efe…etc etc. Do I still keep in touch with all. Not really, but that is not of my own voilition. I find that most Nigerian girls would rather stay away from an ex, unless they broke up with you, and they have moved on better than you have. Nowadays, it is changing a bit, because many girls are going back to their unmarried ex-boyfriends as they consider marriage options in a desert dating environment. Chaps are going on Facebook to locate and connect back with the primary school sweetheart they had back then, who divided her ‘Jemka’ chewing gum into 2 with her teeth and shared it with them. Swallowing your vomit may not always taste bad after-all; it did come from inside you..
Am I friends with any of my exes? Am I my brother’s keeper? Am I my neighbour’s keeper? Should I be my ex’s keeper? Everything depends on how well you have moved on yourself, how the relationship started and your disposition.
I for one, have dated only a few girl steadily who were my ‘girlfriends’. For all of them, we were very good friends, and had a good rapport before we decided to go steady. For most of the time, I and the girl would even start getting intimate before we realized that we should define everything by going steady. So even when we broke up, there was a platform to stand on. Any drama or negative vibes created during the break-up soon evaporated and the sunshine came out, because we still had a basic friendship. It was a case of ‘I want to see you happy, even if it is not with me’ and not ‘ E no go better for you; you would never meet someone who would love you like me.’ Girls need to chill with the curses and negative professions sometimes. What if you and him decide to get back together after a while? Guess what, that curse still stands..
I wont however sit here and act like everything has always been honky dory, whenever I and a ex—chick broke up. There are a few who hated my guts after we split. One’s fiance even came to ask me whether he should go ahead and marry her, even though she smashed my heart into little pieces. I gave a her a glowing endorsement – Attitude (A), Resourcefulness (A), Culinary Skills (A), Intelligence (A), Front ‘Curve’ (DD). She passed with flying colours, and they were wed at UNILAG Main Indoor Hall.
I find that it is easier for men to remain friends with their exes than vice-versa. Whether we should is another matter, but I believe anyone who comes into your life has their own purpose. Each one to teach one. The physical or emotional relationship may have failed, but there are business, intellectual and professional relationships to look forward to. Unless the girl did ‘aristo’ runs while dating you. That is inexcusable. Ha ha.
Being friends with an ex-girlfriend may depend on the following:
1. Has your ex moved on herself or is there emotional garbage? I remember that I was dating this chick, and was still friends with 2 of my exes who used to drop by to see me once in a while. On my birthday, I decided to do a small get-to-gether thing organised by a few friends. My 2 exes showed up. It was a case of being surrounded by the devil, the deep sea and Lastma. They all could not stand each other, so the tension rose in the room by a 100 degrees. I was trying to divide attention among them, but my girl was getting pissed, from the way she was dicing the birthday cake furiously with a huge serrated knife. The knife was making a huge thud like she was slicing okporoko (obokun fish/stockfish). I later walked out to get some air, and ended up sitting on a car bonnet gisting with a female guest for an hour. Best birthday gift ever
2. Everything depends on how you broke up, and whether bridges were burnt irretrievably. If your ex-girlfriend cheated on you with either with Chief or did aristo runs while you dated, that bridge is gone forever. If your ex-girlfriend broke up with you because of your ‘promiscious’ ways, that bridge is as wide open as 3rd Mainland Bridge. Men have big egos, eh?
If the break up was messy, and words were exchanged and properties divided, it may take your village elders to reconcile you two as friends. A chap I know called Jay and this chick broke up because she was sleeping about. While they were dating, as part of their ‘trust’ and love to each other, they had told each other their email passwords. I found it stupid at the time, and told him but he laughed it off. My girl at the time, after she heard, asked for a similar commitment from me, but I didnt answer her.
Around the time, Jay and his chick were having problems, he went to her email account and saw a long exchange of texts between her and chap nick-named ‘Congo’. He was pissed off, and so he deleted an unread saucy message in which he was describing all the things he was going to do to her at their rendevouz that weekend.
He did that one more time the next day, deleting any unread messages. Later that night, he called and confronted the girl. She did not try to deny anything at all; rather she abused him for logging into her email account, and told to go and stick it.
He rushed to a cybercafe and when he tried to log into her yahoo account, the password had been changed. He logged into his immediately, and saw that the girl had gone in there and deleted all his email messages, mumbering over 4000 from the time he had opened the account. Some of the deleted messages even contained very sensitive and important work and business documents. Panicking, he quickly changed his password, before she beat him to it.
I think you would agree with me that there is no chance of them remaining friends now or in the future. Word of advice, never give your facebook or email password or bank debit card pin to anyone including your girlfriend. The only pin number you should give her is your BB pin.
3. Your present circumstance – is your current girlfriend or partner easy going? Does your present partner see your ex as a threat? Nigerian women are competitive and an bound to scratch each other’s eyes out at the drop of a dime. Not to sound racist, but I find that if your ex is from certain ethnicities, females get scared and would want you to keep away. Looks also matter. If your ex looks like Munachi Abi, no girl would want her man around her. My word on this is, if you ex looks like Munachi Abi, then why in hell’s name did you ever break up, stupid guy. Munachi is a work of art.
4. Have you moved on? If your ex has not moved on, and you have, it may develop into a new booty call relationship. One of my exes used to come and see me in a short, short, summer dress. She would just ‘drop by’ to say hi. I was not seeing anyone then, but we had broken up, right?