Girls We Love and Hate

Sometime last year, I had an airport run to pick up my aunt from MM2 Ikeja, where she was flying in from Abuja. To beat Lekki traffic, I raced to the airport with hours to spare, and learnt that the flight had been delayed by over 2 hours due to the foggy weather. The airport was chaos defined, with travellers, stranded passengers, ticket touts, skimpy dressed air hostesses and the smell of fufu from Mr. Bigg’s African Kitchen all sharing the same space. The airport AC was blowing hot steam. I decided to split.

To while away time, I decided to drive around the Ikeja area for a bit. I then remembered that I had a friend who lived off Opebi Road. I gave her a ring and she told me to come over, because she was home.

I got to her place, and as soon as she opened the door, my heart missed a beat. In her small living room were 6 night-gown wearing girls, some eating, all gathered around the TV watching a movie. It was like they were having a pyjama slumber party or one of those Ann Summers girl meets. All that was missing were the cuffs and whips, sorry kobokos.

The last time I was around this many women in night wear, I was a 6-year-old who had accompanied my folks to go see my sister on visiting day at her boarding school. My sister, the ever proud elder sibling, had smuggled me into her dormitory to show me off to her friends, as she was putting the provisions we had brought her away. When I entered that Queens College dorm, even at my young age, I knew I was in the presence of greatness. Females of every shape, color and persuasion in a crammed space. They all came to say hi, rubbing my cheek, and pecking me as they remarked on how cute I was.  I like cougars, eh?

 Here in present time, the girls nodded as they acknowledge my presence politely before they turned back to the screen. They were watching the Funke Akindele movie “Ladies Men”. They were laughing out loud and passing comments about the film, while criticizing and dissecting the male psyche.

Basically, the movie was a story about how there are different types of men. – the mummy’s boy, the player, the lady beater, the workaholic and the ‘mugu’. The story of the movie revolved around different  female characters’ relationships with men each of whom had the above quality and how that had impacted their relationships.

One of the chicks in my friend’s house (her name was Ese) looked like one of those love battled-scarred females who has had heartbreak trauma from men in her past. She kept on sucking her teeth, anytime any of the male characters in the movie messed up. She kept going on and on about how all men were dogs, especially Nigerian ones. I didn’t mind her saying that, but she kept on looking at me at the same time. As the movie progressed, I noticed that Ese’s aggression had transferred to all the other girls, as they started really cursing out men in general and ex-boyfriends who had wronged them in the past. Suddenly I felt all eyes on me – like small chops on a wedding reception table.

When confronted with hostile situations like that, I did what I do best; I remain as cool as fan, and my mind begins to wonder.

Utilizing the classifications mentioned in the movie, I began to think about the types of girls we have in Nigeria.

  1. The Mummy’s Girl: This type of female divulges everything to her mum, including the words you used when you ‘toasted’ her. In fact her mother has knowledge of the fact that you used a lame line from a Katy Perry lyric when chatting up her daughter for the first time. Baby you are a firework. I means who says that?

Ma has probably read most of your BB messages to your girl, including those ones in which you included those girly smileys J. She has even seen your camp BB profile picture, and is following  (monitoring) you on Facebook under a covert name. Your girlfriend also told her mum how you were a cheap skate on your first date taking her to ‘before 12 noon’ movie on a weekday at Genesis Deluxe Cinema to save the pennies. You didn’t even get popcorn for yourself.

Her mum may also know the size of your agbunna, and have a copy of your birth certificate and passport – as insurance. I can bet that your girl’s favourite movie is Sly Stallone’s “Stop Or My Mum Will Shoot”

My friend dated a chick like this, and he nearly went crazy after a few weeks. The girl confessed to him that she had asked her ma’s permission before she agreed to go steady with him. The mum once called my friend out of the blue, to give him an unsolicited hint as to what Valentine Day’s present to get her daughter.  Thank you Ma, but with all due respect there is no way I am getting your daughter “a mother and daughter” ring set.

I have had a little experience with a Miss Mum’s pet many moons ago. I had been getting prank-calls on my house-line, and whenever I picked up the phone, the person – a female, snickered and dropped. There was this chick I suspected was doing it because we had decided to cool things off some days back. So I called her, and asked her if it were her. Her tone of voice and manner of denial convinced me that it was.

For one, her ‘anger’ seemed to be more than the ‘crime’ I had accused her of. She started laying into me seriously, asking me if I thought that she was so desperate as to be calling my house and hanging up. She started raising her voice, and so her mum who was sitted in the same room as her, asked her what the matter was.

She said “Mummy  come and see this boy  who is feeling special with himself. See me see wahala o. He is accusing me of calling his house and dropping the phone, like I don’t have better things to do.”

I was like ####?

I overheard the mum hiss, and get up as she came to phone, and cursed me out in perfect Edo language: Kevwe apkolovo sakpoba……idiot!!.

All I could get in was “ Mama, o gini biko?”

 Moral of the story: beware of lasses with Patience Ozokwo type of mothers.

  1. Workaholic chick – Ah, nothing do this working girl. This one is a career girl who clocks in crazy hours including weekend shifts. In Naija, this type of babes are usually bankers, doctors or private business owners.

A working girl is great; a workaholic one may be a bonus. Unless she is a marketer – then be afraid; be very afraid. Generally, there are few jobs in Nigeria. As far as her office is not Adeyemo Alajika pavement at ungodly hours, you should support any overtime she does.

Career women though, if they get their work-life balance right, are top of the food chain. Babes get your Dora Akinluyi on.


  1. Player- Yes there are women players, and guess what – what a man can do, a woman may do better. Nigerian chaps have egos and every chap will swear on a cutlass that he will cut any cheating girl loose immediately he finds out. Story! Some of these ‘poisonous’ girls, as my pal calls them, are so slick that you would only find out when they themselves are ready to dump you like a pure water sachet.

Bros, you would be there flexing like an oko iyawo, but your position in her life may actually be “assistant boyfriend”. Don’t be mad though; your own even better, as she also has several other males with varying titles on her food chain – deputy boyfriend, mugu, marriage plan B, Aristotle (aristo).

These girls are takers – they will take your time and resources, and take you on a ride.

 N.B: Chop and clean mouth. Sing along with me *there are many fish in the sea*

    

4.    Abusive ladies – A more common breed than you think, seeing that most people believe that Naija men are built like tanks and would win any physical fight. Good argument, only that being an abusive lady has nothing to do with physical strength.

These lasses physically and emotionally manipulate and devastate their partners. Who can remember that relationship between Apeno and Chief Jegede Shokoya in the 80s popular TV comedy “New Masquerade”. Jegede was scared shitless of his wife. He also spent many sleepless nights on the couch.

An abusive lady can deny you sex, food, a warm bed, rest of mind, and some can actually beat the crap out of you. Who can remember Serakus the really short Nigerian comedian who was married to a Lady Goliath?

I know this chap who used to date a wildfire chick called Uche. Uche was like that chick in “Why Did I Get Married.” Times 100. The funny thing was that she was a lekpa, but she had rage embedded in her veins.  She was paranoid about her fella cheating on her, and showed up to his office and apartment at impromptu times. If she came to his flat and she suspected that he was in and refusing to open the door to let her in, her mind went on a fantasy spin. Once she kicked in the door, and ran from room to room looking for the ‘girl’. No one was in – not even her boyfriend. She called a carpenter pronto.

Another time, she knocked and he did not hear because he was passed out on his couch, so she smashed his car side mirrors and headlights with her Birkin bag. It did much damage; the bag contained make-up, a Harry Potter novel, a huge dictionary, 3 phones, keys, and some other heavy material.

These types of women are difficult to decipher. When you break up with them, your  clueless family members wonder why you sent a wife material away. In fact, your siblings may say you were just tripping as all they can see outwardly is a “model citizen”

In fact chicks like this are nice to all your friends and family while you are dating. Two days after the wedding, they are trying to force you and your mum into the washing machine and press “fast spin”

N.B: Avoid unless someone in your village is a dibia or babalawo, and you want to send business his way frequently.

Also memorize the road to Yaba Hospital; you will visit there often.

 

  1. Mugu – These are feeble ladies who do everything their boyfriend tells them without protesting. Girls like this usually fall out with or do not keep in touch with their close friends once they get into a relationship.

 All this ‘ride or die’ babe want is love and attention from their chaps, and they will do absolutely anything. In the hands of the wrong man, a mugu girl can be a dangerous weapon. She soon gets transformed into a cook/washerman/sex machine/house-keeper/bank/messenger/obi oma.

Of course there are your average “girl next door” type of lasses, who do not necessarily fall under any of the above categories but it seems they may be an endangered species.

Which type of female are you; and if you are a lad, tell us about your experiences with any of the above.

Got a project chick, that plays her part/
And if it goes down y’all that’s my heart/
Baby girl so thorough she been with me from the start/

Jay Z (Girls, Girls, Girls 2001)

41 responses

  1. dude!!! i once dated the mummy’s girl, only she was more aligned to my mum than hers. At some stage it began to feel like I was the outsider, and the two women were conniving to my detriment.. tsk!

  2. Am female and cant see myself under any of these. I might end up the workaholic as my profession to be is one of the ones you listed up there So, i guess not so bad. But, i have had reasons to talk to my Mum about some guys, not telling her every damn thing but just a little like, “you know the family, so what do you think.’ And i bet thst doesnt put me in the mummy’s girl category.

    While that was an interesting read, I hope you’d give us the guys list soon.

    • A mummy’s girl is much deeper than that. She is someone who cannot do a thing without her mum’s total input.

      A guy’s list. I think I will definitely need a female volunteer for that one. Maybe you, Ele? Lol

  3. I’m definitely the workaholic……once upon a time, i was a “down ass chick” who would do anything for her man. Now, i’m all about my job and my business.

  4. Gosh, i feel for you, surrounded by all those women, good thing you didn’t say anything to defend ‘men’ sounds like they’ll have drawn blood.
    To be honest though, i worry about men who are just like the women you described. I have friends who are mama’s boys – very unattractive! I’ve also met guys who are workaholics – their best love affair they’ve had is with their jobs, the women in their lives were an inconvenience. And there’s the playboys… no need to say anything about those, I’m sure most women have bitten from that forbidden apple. What’s funny are the guys with no game, who think they can play you – kmt…

      • Fair point.
        A guy with no game is the one that nags you into a date. He’s the one that silks an pouts when you don’t return his calls, the one you go on pity dates on, he’s the one that’s way deep in the “friendship zone” but doesn’t realise it and wants to date you by force. He gets really irritating when all of a sudden he grows a pair and decide he wants to play you all of a sudden. Perhaps not as common as your everyday player but trust me they exist. Am I the only on that’s had the misfortune of coming across one of these ?

      • Are there still guys with no game? I think every guy has done one or more of the above with at least one girl he has tried to hook up with. There comes a hard realization with age and maturity that not every girl you fancy would give you the time of day.

        One girl’s pity date may be another guy’s green light date.

  5. I’d say I fall within the workaholic category. My job comes first but i’m trying to achieve a seamless balance now so it doesn’t affect my relationships though I made sure i did not end up with a momma’s boy.

    • It seems girls would rather date a woman-beater than a momma’s boy. How come? How did you make sure? Besides this post was about the ‘kinds of girls’ How come the girls have switched it on us. Lol

      • I’d dodged both because the outcome is the same – one is left feeling bruised an battered albeit emotionally or physically.
        It’s only fair to flip the script on the brothers seeing as there’s no forthcoming post on the guys we hate 

      • Script well flipped on us brothers. I am sure a post about guys Nigerian women hate would be a 100,000 word thesis. It may win me the Pullitzer prize for prose, but I cannot betray the lads na. I promise to have something soon that would balance things out a bit.

        Deal? Lol

  6. Oh my word. I keep trying to picture you in that living room. Lmao! Well, hilarious post as usual Esco, and insightful too. I love that you called out the female players, a lot of guys are in denial about their exsistence…i wonder why : )

    Well, now i’m awaiting your post on the Nigerian men Nigerian women love and hate. Pls don’t make us wait too long or i just might end up writing it for you. LOL. I already have them all lined up in my head….

    We’re waiting o

    • Me in that living room surrounded by 6 chatty females was no joke at all. But I full ground na

      Glad you felt this one; female players are everywhere, they are just smoother than most think. I am not sure all chaps are in denial – the few that are, are doing their ‘ostrich head in the sand’ impression.

      Mimi, if you wrote a post on Nigerian men loved and hated, I would put it up. I am sure you have your feisty pen at the ready. Lol.

  7. ha! hilarious…the babalawo/dibia part carcked me up real good. lovely post, me likey.I daresay i’m unpredictable, i may be all these women wrapped up in one😉

  8. i know the guy with no game……ithis guy once asked me out, and i turned him down cos i wasn`t into him one bit, and because…sorry to say, he was quite short, i dont like short men. As soon as i turn down the date, he gets all pissed ” why won`t you go out with me?” he asks, “the people you go out with, are they better than me, abeg,abeg,abeg…don`t give me that trash, when can i come and pick you?”…..i was speechless:-)

    • The nerve of this chap! You have to admire that though. That takes some bottle. Short (or brief) guys have to be like that now; most girls prefer tall guys, so what will become of the shorter guys. Its not fair..My folks are both short, but I turned out alright (over 6 feet). I guess most girls would rather reach up to kiss/embrace their hubby than have to take of their Loubotins. Eiyaa!

  9. I once had a mama’s boy (or at least I think that’s what he was) friend. Maybe in his mind sha he was dating me but it def. wasn’t mutual. Someone who will eat and comment that the food is ok but his Mum’s cooking is better….abeg I ran far.

  10. I can swear I find mysef always falling into Mugu bunch, every now and again, I just dont get y. I had this ex who would pretend he was broke, then travel to naija spend all his money on God knows what (I am not surprised if chics were involved), drive the most expensive cars, and come back to US looking like a truck had run over him, then my brainless self will have to spend my small salary to put food on the table. Before I dumped his ass, I cheated on him and enjoyed every moment……

  11. I like ur blog…. it is well funny.. 1st time here as u might tell, but I think it is so cool. 3 things I like about the blog

    a) U tell the story that creates imagination and put sets a scene in mind.
    b) Every paragraph makes sense and tells a story.
    c) U are guy with so much gist.. (how cool is that) and u blog about it( that is a first for me),

    So back to commenting…. to be honest I dont belong to any categories per say… I am more of JESUS kind of girl… if u get me.. though am savvy am also what would JESUS do mentality. Actually, I think I have an element of each character minus 3 and 4 in a way. I will explain.

    @1 mum is my best friend I tell her everything, as in she likes to know. Although mum has a say, she doesn’t actually force her opinions or ideas on me.. she just gives me advice. She knows I listen and would voice my own opinion if I think it is not right. Regards to guys, mum never fights my battle (not that i have guys issues anyways).. But she knows about all my previous relationships and the guys actually find her pretty cool….

    2)Workaholic: so I like working but I refuse to allow work to take over my life completely. To be career minded and ambitious is good but I have more to offer than being stuck in a office for normal hours… I need to live so I have activities in place to relax (consists of watching documentaries, art n crafts, church etc and spending time with God , there are more, but too much to write). (I can also create a us time if needed, not selfish lol)..

    @3 If only I could be a player….. I cant.. its not me will never be… I dont know how to pretend,fake, deceive or lie. Am like a book, too readable. But I have my values and principles that are great for mechanisms so I can spot a user from mile away and know he is not my battle so I walk away (thank u holy spirit).

    5) So I can be a mugu in a way (if I am into the guy completely). My type of mugu is just being there for him really, encouraging, supporting and attentive (but never do any guy laundry, or please him sexually etc nah mate.. gats to do the right things first before I commit to long-term slavery lol), Apart from cooking and baking which I enjoy doing and making jokes and praying/bible studying.. nothing much there so I would say am a good mugu lol.

    Finally, my mouth can go off if u trigger me, but I have learnt to bite my tongue and keep the words in check. words are powerful and I hate to misuse them good old bro James has warned me in Ch 3. (but the old me was quite mouthy, thank God for a renewed mind)…
    So, I have a balance, and I like to keep a balance on everything. I cant speak for other ladies but I do know that some can be worse just as some guys are too.. It is all to do with the mental state of each individual, messed up mind = messed up character.

    Apologies for the long essay ( This really is me, analytical / expressive to the core… btw I do marketing so it comes with the job).

    • thanks Purplelicious babe,
      Glad u liked. I have seen your comments in blogs as well, so I know of you. Welcome to Woah-Nigeria. Please apply for our E-passport and stay. Lol.

      From your comments, seems like you are quite a mix. Great to know that you are not a player, and can be a mugu for love. That vulnerability is attractive as hell. Noone wants a girl who grabs her crotch, swears like a sailor and has 3 fellas on the go.

      The long essay is welcome btw…keep it coming

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