The Pounded Yam and Pure Water Awards (4)

I Hail Oh!

  • Drunken Master” the 1978 kung-fu classic by Jackie Chan. Every Nigerian fella should see this one. By the way, going with my “Agbaya” theme below, can anyone remember when some people in Nigeria used to fool themselves and some mugus by strutting around  claiming that they were black-belt Kung-fu masters, dressed in Black Chinese jackets, jumpy black trousers, white socks and black Vans sneakers? These impostors fooled everyone until the era of the area boys crept in.
  • The D’Banj interview on BET was quite good, light-hearted entertainment. I like the manner in which he spoke, though his capacity of self-promotion and that of the Koko and Mo’Hits brand borders on embarrassing at times. Quite a number of  people have recently been criticizing him for ‘selling out’ due to the GEJ interview debacle. Fair enough. However when watching the BET interview, I decided to focus on the interview itself and its ramifications for Nigerian entertainment in the future, and eschew all politics. D’Banj has star quality no doubt, and he is easy to watch. However midway into the interview, I sort of reneged on my self promise to separate politics from music.  D’Banj admitted to the interviewer that he was not the best singer out there, but that he was an entertainer. I have addressed this same issue with Kenny St. Brown’s acceptance speech at an award ceremony last yr. As an entertainer, a superstar at that, you just never speak down on your talent in public. Never. ever.

As I was about to start ‘drinking panadol for another person’s matter’, I thought to myself maybe there was indeed a pure correlation between music and politics in Nigeria. Maybe the blur has been erased forever, since that period Abacha hired some respected singers and movie starts to drum up support for his life presidency through marches and concerts.

D’Banj admitted that he was not the most talented singer, right? So maybe it is the same with Nigerian politics. You do not have to be the most talented politician to contest or hold a public position. A singer who cannot hold a musical note without shattering our eardrums only requires a talented producer (ala Don Jazzy or El Dee) to make banging beats, so that the singer can repeat the words “Shake that thing, baby’ like a crazed aristo pimp. And if you are a Nigerian politician who is clueless about how to govern properly, all you need are talented special advisers, special assistants and technocrats ( even if they may be 20-30 at a time, sucking tax payer funds).

Are musicians the new politicians?

  • The 2nd out of my movie entries. Do not be mad, I love movies. However, please do not watch the scary flick Incidious which came out last week if you are faint-hearted. Warning! Will cause involuntary leakage. In the cinema hall, I was sat in, which was filled to almost full capacity, it was happy days for the chaps as their dates held on to them tightly as they screamed their lungs off. My mate thinks this movie is scarier than that picture of Nigerian actress Empress Njanma with the red Rihanna hair-do. I don’t know about that, but …
  • I know it is a bit old, but the M.I video for “Undisputed” is ace. I wouldn’t lie – I like the flow of the lyrics on that jam which made liking the video infectious for me. I mean, what is not to like in this: My time is prime like Keke/ Just jeje making my pepper/

The short black boy does his thing, no doubt. I like his delivery and energy on the mic. English people would say he is full of beans. Ok, sorry, bad use of the term.

  • Nigerian chap who created a Blackberry app which displays all the provisions of the Nigerian constitution. You deserve a spot on woahnigeria’s strong ping, sorry thing awards.

Have it...

You  de fall our hand!

  • The postponement of elections on April 2nd, which is unacceptable no matter the reason. Trust some quick-witted Naija people to start to a BBM cycle which claimed that the election itself was INEC  Commissioner Jega’s April Fool’s Day joke to Nigerians. I can only imagine what would have happened if the election date had originally fallen on World Food Day or Salah. INEC would have sent out foodstuff to the impoverished and disfranchised masses. Oh wait, a political party is already doing that with the biscuits and the rams.
  • In Edo State, the man who poisoned his crippled son by giving him food laced with the potent pesticide Gamalin 20?! Apparently, the man had been fed up with the young boy’s increasing medical bills and decided to end his life, while the mother was out of town. The boy had a speech problem, and could not walk either, crawling on his belly. I was enraged when I heard this. I think a law should be passed in Nigeria that if you do something in commission of a crime, that thing or a worse thing should be done to you as your punishment. For example, make this man drink Gamalin 30 (or 40) or any stronger pesticide if it exists. This may be a stronger deterrent than jail-time or a death sentence which is a mere finality.

In the same vein, corrupt politicians or people accused of misappropriating public funds should be made by EFCC to suffer what the impoverished masses have been going through these past decades. For example a corrupt politician should be made to move from his Ikoyi mansion to a leaky shanty in Okokomaiko with no electricity and running water, with a stagnant gutter passing through the living quarters, no idea of when his next meal would come, mosquitoes and gigantic houseflies as house-guests, and armed-robbery every other week. That should fix them.

  • The death of Liz Taylor, a true Hollywood icon. What however caught my attention was a documentary on TV which said that her kids stood to inherit her large jewelry collection among other things, reputedly on of the most expensive in the world, worth about $ 150 million.

I laughed when I heard the meagre amount being bandied about. Impressive it is, outstanding it is not. It would not even make the top 20 in Nigeria – I know an ex-governor whose wife’s collection of gems is worth at least twice that.

  • Back on my movie theme, what is with the spate of ultra-feminine all action heroine films being released this year, all in the mould of last year’s Angelina Jolie movie ‘Salt.’ This year, similar themed releases like Hanna and Sucker-Punch have over done the female gun-blazer/fighter thing a little bit.

Thinking to myself, I wonder when a Nollywood actress would feature in an all action movie, where she takes all-comers a la ‘Salt’. We have the female actresses for it, if the script is right and if the offer came. I can just imagine Mercy Johnson in role as a Bond girl. That would be awesome, but her ‘features’ may have to be air-brushed or the ratings may have to change to 18. Imagine her toting a Walter PPK pistol while clad in a fitted leather cat-suit and boots. That would definitely make Daniel Craig, or whoever the Bond is, shoot his load. Loaded gun, I mean.

2 responses

  1. Dbanj sure deserves the pounded yam(for the koko mobile) but i think it needs better packaging with the edges of the plate cleaner and Maybe some additional bush meat…LOL

    • E be like say you sabi cook well well. You know that the word ‘packaging’ and ‘pounded yam’ do not go in the same sentence. Though I agree some bushmeat will really garnish this dish. See what you have caused now. You must invite Esco for dinner oh. Lol

      D’Banj really tried with Koko mobile. But would people leave their BBs alone? maybe it would make a good second phone or cater to the low-end market. Gbam!

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