LOVE MY MISSUS; DESPISE HER FRIEND

 It is one of those ironies of life – you can choose a girlfriend or partner, or make a choice as to the special person who you want to spend the rest of your life with, exchanged vows, cheap rice confetti and all. But, and I mean a big but, you cannot choose who she decided to call her bestie – annoying or not.

Unbelievable, but I found out that Google has an entry on how to deal with an annoying in-law , annoying siblings or work colleagues. Trivial it may be, but it’s been researched enough times to be given its own prompter. How about if your girl’s best friend is annoying too? What do you do?

 My chick’s bestie is annoying; no scratch that, she can be a nasty piece of work. Think of all the worst attitudes a 25 year old has, rolled into 5 feet 5 of brown muscled wonder, and you will begin to catch my drift. Alright then.

Reminisce with me, as I recall her various atrocities. The time was December 2009, just around the time everyone was doing their Xmas shopping. The venue was the main dining room of the Eko Hotel, Victoria Island . Bestie (let’s call her that) and her then fiancé (a nice and pleasant chap) had called I and the missus to join them for Sunday brunch at the Eko Hotel. My girlfriend then agreed to meet up with me at the venue in 30 minutes.

So I jumped into the shower, and emerged minutes later – but alas, I was in a deep dilemma. Not only could I not find anything to wear, but my mind was in 3 places as whether to take the engagement ring I wanted to propose to my beloved with. A 24 carat white gold ring with a solitaire (thank you, thank you for the compliments), it had only arrived in Lagos the day before via Chisco Transport (yes they deliver rings), from Brighton United Kingdom by way of Port Harcourt. Ask me nicely enough and I would explain.

I had given my sister who travelled to England some weeks prior, my girl’s ring size and a healthy wad of British pound to purchase the rings. After days traversing the high streets of gay Brighton, my sister had seen a smart gem in a vintage shop window. One problem though, she wasn’t going to be back in Lagos till the new year, and I needed the ring like yesterday – my girl was travelling back to Yankee after Xmas. So my sister gave it to my cousin who was travelling back to Naija, but to PH not Lag. My cousin agreed to send it, but via Chisco. My heart was in my mouth. I prayed against kidnappers, baggage-stealers; I bound and destroyed one-chance bandits, thief-thief policemen in my prayers. I am sure you people are like, na wetin naa? How much the ring cost sef? Well let me put it this way, that ring was more expensive than 10 Chisco return tickets to Aba.

Fast forward, I was able to pick the ring at Chisco’s office just before 2nd Round-about, Lekki. My cousin had wrapped it in a bag filled with ube (native pear) and azu-urokpiri (dried fish). Funny enough, I was with the missus, when I stopped at Chisco’s, but her eyes and long throat were on the azu-urokpiri so she didn’t notice the ring’s box.

Ok, SO I am still in my towel and in a dilemma. To be or not to be? E go be sha.

I decided on a pair of khakis pants, a smart white shirt and a cord blazer; and I chucked the ring into my pocket. Got to Eko Hotel – the missus, Bestie and her fiancé were all seated and having starters. The soup looked like water color so I ordered the main course straight. Bestie was really feeling like the Queen of England, asking the waiter for foreign confectionary and everything outside the menu, in the fakest British accent I have ever heard.

I hope this is freshly squeezed orange juice. No it is Nutri C ma.

Is this Satis beef sausage? Oh I hate those!

Do you have PG Tips tea? Oh put the monkey on it, you old sod.

 Is your bacon salted or cured? Salted? Now she thinks she is Angelina Jolie.

 Meanwhile, my princess was comporting herself with all the graces a future life partner should have. Bestie was the complete opposite – cursing out the waiter for not getting the napkins in the perfect triangle, or for not squeezing lemon into her iced water. Who does that in Nigeria. The last time I had lemon in water, was when I used a Krest bottle to fetch water in boarding school  cos i didnt have a flask.

After eating, I kept on procrastinating, thinking of the right time to sneak my little speech in. Moreover I was boxed into a corner, due to the tight seating arrangements – kneeling to propose would be impossible. Bestie, sorry Beastie, arranged a seat for me, as far as possible. I was still trying to make up my mind, when Bestie and her chap said that they were about to leave. I decided to seize my chance. In my best Hugh Grant, shy and awkward impression, I announced that I had an announcement as I clinked a tea-spoon on a glass cup.

Clink,clink! I have an announcement to make. The other guests from other tables eyed me like a nuisance. Trust Naija people.

Looking at my beloved, I said “You have been very special to me, all this time…”Blah, Blah. Blah and all the mushy stuff. Then I smoothly pulled out the ring box from my blazer pocket in the same slow motion manner James Bond pulls out his Walter PPK pistol. The price of the ring – shebi I told you before, the equivalent  of 10 Chisco return tickets to Aba. The look on my sweetie’s face – priceless. I got a scream of joy, a huge hug and a kiss so wet that I looked like I had just eaten puff-puff.

 Yes, yes, yes, I will marry you…

Bestie’s fella just kept clapping and saying he couldn’t believe how smoothly I proposed, out of the blue. He was happy and laughing and congratulatory.

 Bestie? Her face said it all. She looked over-whelmed and needless to say not very pleased. She then started talking about how her fiancé had proposed to her at a chalet in Obudu cattle-ranch with all the gorillas, monkeys and cows watching.

In my mind I was like come on, skip the bull; this moment is about your best friend and not you.

Needless to say, her fiancé was embarrassed – like please don’t bring up an event that happened in the tropic South South eons ago. For crying out loud, someone just asked your best friend to marry him!

 That damned Bestie!

Girl, I will give you karats ’till you feel you a rabbit / Anything in your path, you want you can have / Walk through the mall, if you like it you can grab / Total it all up and put it on my tab / And then tell your friends all the fun you had/

Mase (Tell Me What You Want, 1997)

9 responses

  1. Beastie! That says it all. I should hate to be with a person who strongly believes the world evolved around them. She is just a witch!

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