I have heard it said so many times -men are from Mars, and women are from Venus; I beg to differ. Women must definitely originate from Saturn, because they seem to have this fascination with rings. Ok, bad joke, but I digress too much.
So what do women really want? Forget that corny Mel Gibson movie, what do women really really want? And I don’t mean the usual suspects – Brazilian/Peruvian weave, a platinum ring with a large solitaire, a smart phone covered with Swarovski crystals, or a limited edition bag popularized by Mrs. Beckham. What do women want from men? What qualities do they look for in the darker but less complicated sex?
From time memorial I have been told all sorts- women fancy chaps who can make them laugh. A dude with a great sense of humor, who has The Wedding Crashers and The 40 year Old Virgin in his DVD collection. To buttress this fact, there was an episode of Sex and the City where Mr. Big in response to Carrie’s questions about what qualities opposite sexes require the most in each other, said “…You just want to be with the one that makes you laugh…” Mr. Big must have been having a laugh. And I find Frank Spencer irritating.
Well I am not too sure that humour is a better ice-breaker than a Hummer, because back in university all the class clown ever got, after stating his intentions to Miss Hot-Legs who he had a crush on, was an ‘Eiyaa, that’s so sweet” reply and a platonic peck on the cheek. Somehow I cannot imagine Tee-A jokes helping him pull more chicks than say, Naeto C. Or Adam Sandler beating John Mayer in the babes catching stakes.
The problem with trying to laugh a girl to death in an effort to charm her, is that you might stop knowing when the girl is laughing with you, laughing at you or laughing for you. Believe me, when a female starts laughing for you, it means you will be spending the night hugging your Vitafoam as opposed to hitting some skins.
But seriously, what do women really really want from men. Oh I get it, a fella who treats them well and makes them feel like a queen, or a princess.
How does this apply to present day Naija? Can you treat a woman like a princess, if you are not a prince yourself? In Nigeria, society expects a prince to dress in regal finery, drive princely automobiles, spend money like it is printed straight of the royal mint, and off course live in a palace. In simple Nigerian parlance, treating a girl like a princess does not equate to opening car or house doors for her, or kissing her hand when you greet her (that will ruin her acrylic nails), or helping her carry or move heavy objects (definitely not her Marc Jacob shopping bags). Treating her like a princess does not mean not trying to kiss her until she makes the first move, or pulling out her seat for her at some trendy diner. In Naija, if you did that, the casual passer-by will refer to you as a mugu (sucker for love). No dulling.
Odds are that some Naija girls would only think you are treating her like a princess if you gave her a stack of cards on her birthday and Valentine’s Day and most days of the week (recharge cards, not Hallmark ones, ode), or if you took her to one of those really suave bars, where the cocktails are so expensive that you would have sworn a chicken was included in the menu. If you did the Romeo courtesy mugu thing like a Shakespearean character, trust me you will end up sad, angry and alone. Romeo must die.
It has also been said that women like bad boys. Alright then. Colin Farrell seemed to be Hollywood’s poster boy for waywardness and crass unruly behavior, but I feel he was trying to play up his Irishness. Jim Iyke, tried to do the bad boy thing, but doesn’t look credible, what with white kangol hats and his weird color combos. Only chaps like Robert Downey Junior seem to have made this bad boy thing work. In Nigeria, bad boys are usually so bad that girls are actually frightened of them. Like they will bludgeon a girl to death with a car jack if she refused to get into their car. Balance must be crucial.
I recently listened to the lyrics of Salt N Pepa’s ‘Whattaman’, a song that was on MTV’s heavy rotation circa ’93. These ladies, Salt, Pepa and Spinderella were outlining the qualities their perfect man had. Dudes, good luck with trying to meet them; I am ghost:
My man is smooth like Barry, and his voice got bass/
A body like Arnold with a Denzel face/
He’s smart like a doctor with a real good rep/
And when he comes home he’s relaxed with Pep/
He always got a gift for me everytime I see him/
A lot of snot-nosed ex-flames couldn’t be him/
He never ran a corny line once to me yet/
So I give him stuff that he’ll never forget/
He keeps me on Cloud Nine just like the Temps/
He’s not a fake wannabe tryin’ to be a pimp/
He dresses like a dapper don, but even in jeans/
He’s a God-sent original, the man of my dreams/
Salt N Pepa (Whattaman, 1993)