PUSH ME, I PUSH YOU

Aja in the okuko's shadow...

Aja in the okuko’s shadow…

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in the fourth year of Obasanjo’s terrible second reign, when home internet was but the preserve of the Dangotes and Ibrus of this world, Esco decided to arise and take a journey to the neigbourhood cybercafé to do some browsing.

It was a Saturday like any other – NEPA had struck, and generator noises played the soundtrack to the story of Nigeria in the background, male agama lizards and the female ones doing shakara played ‘hide and seek’ in the cracks of the walls of the houses in the street, open gutters festered in the sun with the putrid smell of hot stagnant water and piss, and a bus conductor’s aggressive voice added to the medley as he barked his advertisement “Ojuelegba! Stadium!! No change o, make you hold ya side!!’

 

I got to the cybercafé, bought a ticket and logged in. The cybercafé was very full. There were all sorts of punters there – some youngsters who came to check JAMB and exam results online; then there were a few pervs who were staring at pictures of scantily clad chicks on dodgy websites; there were the perpetual scroungers who used the web to pester their relatives overseas to send the money, then there were those who typed emails by pressing one key at a time with one finger until they exhausted their credit without finishing the email.

I was a bit crestfallen when I opened my inbox messages and there was not a new message to be had. My spam box however did not disappoint. I had various ones – one for abuna enlargement; another email announced that I had just won a lottery for $5million dollars. Wait, won’t I need to have played it first before I could win?

The last email was from some dude named Anthony Prince asking me to send 5000 dollars so that he could pay the inheritance taxes to enable him withdraw his late ex-minister father’s balance from a Swiss account. He promised to share the largesse with me. As if I would ever trust anyone with a double barreled English name like Anthony Prince. By the way why do 419 and yahoo yahoo swindlers choose ridiculous oyibo names like Prince, Don, Peterpaul, Wilberforce, Vitalis, Felix. The runs men of the 80s were money doublers.

Normally I replied 419 email by reprimanding the sender saying something like “419 is a sin o” but that day I decided to let it slide. Plus key “4” on the keyboard was broken.

I was debating whether to log out, and save the credit on my ticket for another day, when commotion broke out. Alas it was between a dude and a lass just a row across from where I was seated. They were trading insults. Remember that these were the days before YouTube.  I decided to chill and observe. Kai, where is popcorn when you need it?

Apparently the chap has been browsing when his phone rang. He left his folder on the table and stepped outside to take the call. A lady in her late 20s, had just purchased a ticket, and saw the spot empty. She then shoved the chaps folder aside, and restarted the pc, logged in, and starting surfing the web.

When the dude came back, he tapped the lady on the shoulder and tried to explain that he had been there before. The girl would hear none of it, despite the fact that some people seated around there were corroborating his story. The guy explained that he would have forfeited the space for the lady but he had an urgent email he had to send to his brother who was a business partner. He was also irritated that the lady had shoved his personal belongings aside and re-booted the PC.

Before long, a heated exchange ensued between them, and the lady started getting really abusive:

Girl: “The computer is not your personal property so why should I stand up. Abeg abeg..”

Guy: “I never claimed that it was my property. Now please stand up, as I don’t have time for this.”

Girl: “If I refuse to stand up, what will you do? Infact I am not getting up from here. Do your worst!”

Guy: “This can’t be serious.  E be like say you dey find wahala today. If you see am, you go run o”

Girl: “Wetin you fit do? If you have ten heads, touch me and see what would happen.”

This was the era of the hipster  for women. Imagine a really curvy size 16 lady in bright colored hipsters, a belly chain with hips and bakassi  that would make Toolz Oniru look like Fido Dido. She was heavily made up with her nails done like Wolverine.

Every other person in the cybercafé also quit momentarily and started watching. They seemed to be willing the parties to resort to angst-filled violence like Olisa Dibua versus the staff member of that radio station; like Jim Ikye versus the world…What is it with us Nigerians and violence?

As she argued, she stood up to tower over the guy, while showering him with expletives and spittle. From outside, the both of them looked mismatched like Julius Agwu versus Eniola “Gbo Gbo Biz Girls” Badmus. The guy held his ground, and held the arm of the chair, while wedging himself against the table, to prevent the girl from usurping the space.

The girl also held on to the headrest part of the chair, as she continued her verbal tirade: “If you are a man, try me na. I will finish you today. Shebi  na Lagos we dey. Dey here, your mates are erecting mansions in Lekki and Ikoyi, you are here paying 50 naira to browse for 30 minutes and fighting over chair. Idiot!”

The guy wiped his face, as he snapped “You are stupid for that statement. You don’t know how foolish you look wearing this undersized trouser with a tight belly chain. You look like pure water tied with rope.”

With that the girl started free-styling insults. She attacked his manhood, she abused his clothes, she said his shoe was so worn out, that the heels had chopped and had a slant like a Bobby Brown hair-cut from the 80s. She insulted the man’s handset, saying that he just carried a unit without a sim-card in it. All this while waving her hands in his face and standing over him. Her 40DDD boobs were pointing in his face like howitzers.

The man decided he had enough, so he grabbed his folder, and shoved her aside out of his way like Joseph did to Potiphar’s wife. She immediately dove to the ground, like she had been struck by an assassin’s bullet from Colonel Dimka. She started screaming and screwing her face in pain as she writhed about, with her facial expression like Davido when he sings.

“Osanobua! You have killed me o. Ah, see my face. Why did hit me. How dare you put your filthy hands on me? You are finished today. My uncle is a local government chairman. My brother-in-law’s cousin’s husband is related to a police commissioner in Edo state. You will sleep in a cell today. It will never be better for you!!”

The guy started sweating like Charles Okafor in a Nollywood film. He looked both amused and confused at the same time.

Everybody’s eyes shifted from the girl on the floor to the guy like, it is your move now.  Some people were arguing that he should have relinquished the chair to the girl. One woman was visibly pissed and gave the guy a piece of her mind for ‘hitting’ the girl. Public opinion seemed to berate the guy for putting his fingers on the girl. Like short man devil wey only get power when him see woman.

There are 3 instances when a woman can render a man defenseless in the court of public opinion. One is if she accuses you of beating or physically assaulting her (sadly, this rule may not apply in all the states of Nigeria). The second is if she accuses you of rape, whether or not you really had consensual sex. The third is if she abuses you about your lack of sexual prowess or stamina. I mean what come-back is there when an ex calls you “2 minute noodles” or “water pap.”

Silence is the best answer for a fool like you.

There are those who believe that verbal sparring with a woman is allowed as far as you do not put your hands on her in any way (including  a shove). I believe that even if you must have a verbal exchange, one way not to do it, is the way it was done in a scene in “Wild Chicks 2″ the Nollywood blockbuster   starring Tuface Idibia’s better half. Check out the action from 16.50 on the time-scale.

Meanwhile, with all the commotion, I decided that it was time for me to beat it, before EFCC would swoop on the café and arrest everybody present, and then announce on NTA’s 9’O clock news that they had busted a yahoo yahoo syndicate. I made slipped away and made a run for it like Alameisegha.

What are your opinions on what happened? Who was wrong between the two parties?

 I met a woman plus a lady that was sweet and unique/
She was no trick or no tramp, she was no freak off the street/
I was amazed, looks and attitude, I spoke of gratitude/
She wasn’t stuck up and rude, and we became cool/
From then on we leaned as friends, then as lovers/
You could be my girl, I’d be your man just forever/

 Daz Dillinger (Only For You, 1998)

How To Spot A Runs Girl In 365 Days

 

CAVEAT before CAVEAT:# This is an article I had written more than 2 years ago. Ended up not publishing it as I felt it may upset some sensibilities. It had been stored as a draft since then, tucked away from my memory. Alas, I discovered it this evening, and I have decided to upload it. It is old, it is dusty and it was written many moons ago. I am also feeling exceptionally lazy this weekend, so I am digging into the archives to bring out the “bottom pot.”

But it is relevant, and that is a winner any day in my book (or my blog). Fellas thank me for this. This may upset a few people especially certain female folk. I plead “The Caveat.”

____________________________________________

2010 -2020 has been declared the decade of the Runs Girl. ‘Runs girls’ have become a huge societal problem in Nigeria, just somewhere after corruption, and somewhere before inflation. They break up marriages, they convert our daughters at university, they reduce the productivity of top managers and execs. They even kill – a commissioner in one of the South South states was found dead in a hotel room last year after a bout with one of these chicks. It didn’t help that he also had Red Bull and garri as an aphrodisiac. Sometimes less is more.

But they are mostly a threat to young professional males who are looking to settle down. The truth is they are hard to spot. If you are in a BRT bus, in a plane, at a wedding, at a bar, at Silverbird Mall, take a look over your shoulder – you may be in the presence of a runs girl. Once they have got their eyes on you, it is curtains. One zeroed in on my friend at a wedding. She just walked across the room, bumping past other people  and shoving them aside like Richard Ashcroft in that The Verve  music video (Youtube it – the name of the tune is Sweetest Symphony).

Some weeks back (now many moons ago), I was chilling with some chaps discussing the ‘runs girl’ phenomena and how it was putting willing blokes off proper relationships as it is difficult to separate the unreal from the authentic.  It was all macho banter, and everyone started chipping in their rules for deciphering a ‘runs girl’ from a ‘take home to mama’ aka ‘full cream’.

Guys take note, girls please do not shoot the messenger (not that I am one).

1.      If it looks too good to be true, it probably is. Dude, if you were not a player before, or you were always passed up by chicks whenever you chatted them, it is not going to start now. If suddenly a hot looking model like thing is all over you,( a few days after you closed down a multi-million naira deal or a killer job at a Fortune 500 outfit) and kisses you on the first day, let your alarm bells ring (or your inner rooster crow). Girls are not now suddenly dating you because of your looks. Run. For. Your. Life (or wife).

2.      She is not bothered about meeting your folks or siblings. Or your friends. Unless they are minted ( they have owo, kudi, ego, Ghana-Must-Go fillers). Any girl who rates people by the size of their bank accounts needs to be defended against (like Lynxx’s Azonto dance in that Black Magic video “Confam”)

3.      This chick dresses really nice. Every time you see her, her jeans are on point, with an IT  bag and really chunky jewelry. But she has no visible means of livelihood. While you, as a hardworking lad is grinding and dreaming schemes to make profit or even collect your monthly salary, this runs girls are at home scheming of turnovers (get it, turn-overs?). Before runs girls used to opt for ushering gigs where they could analyze their targets, but now they are just consultants or shop owners. Beware, her new source of livelihood is now you.

4.      You could never grab a small bite with this chick whenever you are out for dinner. Anytime you stop over at a joint to grab a few things, this babe is packing enough grub to feed a small army. And she lekpa die (lekpa means anorexic, thin, slight, bony). You look at her slender frame puzzled and wonder where all that food is going. Best to check her IT (eat) bag.

5.      A few runs girls may not  be all that bothered if you try to  chat up or try to sleep with any of her friends. It is a win-win for her and her posse, you see. It is like a friend-pool to play the lottery; either way, both of them hit the jackpot (you). Besides there is always your rich brother or friend. Watch her friends. Birds of the same feather, err f… together. 

6.      Anytime you give her a present, it somehow seems like you are paying for a service. She may even ask you for the price of the present or ask you to change it something of her choice (which is always co-incidentally more expensive). A friend started seeing this chick he had met at a video club in Surulere (of all places). On Valentines Day, he decided to get her a pair of shoes (why he did that, I would never know). Was she pleased, seeing that they had only known each other for just over a month. Nah, she made him give her the receipt, because she preferred the monetary equivalent! I would have returned her to where I found her.

7.  First time you met her, when you said ‘Hello’ she said ‘Hi’. I do not know what this means either, but one of my friends at our round-table suggested it, and it was endorsed by the Literati (guys at the table).

 

 

They spot you out dancing topless in your drawers/
Damn look, there goes a black girl lost/

Nas (Black Girl Lost, 1996)

The Pounded Yam and Pure Water Awards (5)

E sweet o


YOU TOO MUCH JARE

  • Sony Google TV – A few weeks back,  I got a Sony TV powered by Google using Android’s platform and all I can say is ‘Wow!’ The TV has Wifi and so you can stream videos from internet channels and websites like CNN, Hulu Plus and YouTube and watch them on the huge screen. As soon as I unpacked it from its box, and set it up, I quickly went to the Nollywood channel on YouTube and searched for Funke Akindele’s Omo Ghetto; then I grabbed a chilled drink, popped some popcorn and sat back to watch. Amazing – I could see every detail like every pimple on the acts’ faces and every shower of spit spewed in angst as they spoke their native dialect.

I must confess that I would really like to see Ebube Nwagbo’s voluptuous features in a 3D movie in the future though. She is something…

  • Plantain chips (ikpekere) and guacamole. All I can say is – what an awesome combination. I discovered this one by accident, while looking for something to eat in the kitchen. This should definitely be showcased at the Taste Of Lagos  event coming up this December. I am expecting my royalty check/commission for my idea in the mail o.

I will also recommend the following, if you have never tried –

*  Banana and ‘gra-nut’.

* Coconut and corn.

* Coconut and ijakpu miri (tapioca).

* Speedy chocolate biscuit in cold milk  (a la Cornflakes).

* Spaghetti and suya.

* Mushrooms in okra soup

*  Bread and akara.

 

  • The country singer John Rich winning  America’s Celebrity Apprentice. What an awesome show. Nene Leakes lost the plot though. Ghetto. We need Nigeria’s own Celebrity Apprentice hosted by say, OBJ. Something tells me that he would give the contestants plenty of tasks on Ota Farm, like ‘Go into the forest behind the farm and fetch me the biggest grass-cutter bushmeat’. Honestly,  I would really like to see some Nigerian celebs being put though their paces.
  • The Nigerian girl who got admitted to Harvard at only age 15. Nigerians are really going places and this is no mean feat. I think the government should give her a scholarship or some kind of incentive, no?

 

If it is worth anything, I started nursery school when I was 2. Actually I was only technically 22 months old. Does that count? That must be some kind of record. I was the only child in school with a feeding bottle. Yes I cried my eyes off, when my ma dropped me off, I but I still remained in school and learned my ABCs. Ok, let me be honest, I was also pacified by the Samco yoghurt drink and jam donuts they gave us during breaks.

If it is also worth anything, back in Uni in Nigeria, I stayed in a school hostel in my first year and there was a 40-year-old chap called Walata who had been in the school system since the late 80s. He had plenty of carry-overs and leaves of absence. He actually loved remaining in the school environment as it was safer than the outside world. He also always got his way because he was older and ‘wiser’ and nobody wanted to mess with a barrel-chested hairy dude who was bigger and older than everyone else. There was also a very young chap – the youngest in the room – a really geeky chap called Ose who was only 17.

Due to the age difference, Ose used to call Walata ‘sir.’

Anyway, salutation isn’t love.


Dulling...

GO HUG TRANSFORMER

  • The outgoing Governor of my state and all/any other non-performing outgoing governors. All I can say is ‘Gerrout, Your Excellency’. And this abuse also goes out to any government official of any state who misappropriate state government funds. They should be hung, drawn and quartered – and I don’t mean 25% (mobilization or bribe). Have you seen how poor village and rural people live? Why deny them a better life so that you can have a fleet of Mercedes SUVs? Mondiots! (Monkey + Idiot).
  • The current practice of people replying a divergent opinion in an argument by starting with the words ‘Ermm…’ Normally this is done by the sayer to try to make the recipient look dumb while discountenancing the latter’s point of view. If I catch you, eh?

But seriously, saying ‘Ermm….’ sounds sooo retarded. It gets on my damn nerve too. I remember the time when people used to use the ‘face-palm’ smiley. Why are we not original in Nigeria? Someone should invent a ‘waka’ smiley.

  • Supposedly squeaky clean Manchester United star Ryan Giggs has joined the ranks of those who have been caught with their hands in the ‘away match’ cookie jar, along with Arnold Schwarzenegger and most of the politicians in Nigeria. Abegi.

 

I do not condone their behavior, but who am I to judge? I am the type of guy who always rooted for the bad guy in the movies (usually known as the ‘boss’).

I choose not to criticize the Tiger Woods of this world as I would rather focus on their unique talents. And Schwarzo has plenty o. In fact some of his wise-crack quips and punch lines in movies are the stuff of legend. Let me leave you with one or two:

  1. In the movie 1985 Commando, while on an airplane about to take-off,  Arnie smashed a bad guy’s face thereby killing the guy and then covered the face with the man’s hat to make it look like the man was catching a quick nap. He then called the air-hostess’s attention and pleaded ‘ Don’t disturb my friend, he is dead tired.’ 
  2. In 1990’s Total Recall, Arnie blessed us with a few gems. He discovered that his wife(played by Sharon Stone) had been an agent planted to kill him. In an ensuing fight and shoot-out, he draws out a pistol and makes to snuff the life out of her. She pleads saying that he would not dare kill his wife. He replies with a sick smile after he shoots her: ‘ Consider that a divorce’. 
  3. In Predator, he is taking out a posse of bad guy soldiers, and is nearly ambushed by a guy trying to sneak up on him from behind. Arnie quickly turns around, and tosses a big army knife at the guy, pinning him to the wall, as he said ‘Stick around…’ See it here.

Ah, when will Nollywood catch up with smart dialogues and witty movie exchanges? Ermmm….don’t hold your breath.