419 QUESTIONS

Esco is back after a brief hiatus. Hello everyone! While I was away, tending to the side inconvenience that is my private life, there have been a lot of speculations, accusations, counters and chat on the grapevine.

 

I have received emails, and tweets , asking about my whereabouts, egging me to write new articles. Stuff like, Esco where are you. Are you still alive? There are reports that someone fitting you description was seeing boarding an aircraft with a one way ticket out of blogsville.

 

Some of the questions I have been asked are more left-field. Stuff like: Are you stories real or fables plucked from Tales by Moonlight. How do you come up with the material? What are your plans for the future? Is this blog’s relevance tied to the Nigerian nationhood experiment? Why do you put rap lyrics after each post? Why don’t you the lyrics of Nigerian artists like Lord of Ajasa or Eddy Remedy? If this is a Nigerian blog, you should have used an agama lizard on your blog mast instead of an albino lion. Why use black soil for the background instead of Ankara (or Aso-ebi).

 

Has Esco abandoned this blog because I hear he is now the Personal Advisor/ Assistant on Blog Affairs to a State Governor, and so he is cleaning out. He has even put up a house in Lekki Phase 1 and even twitted the picture, and it trended like pictures of Cossy’s boobs. In fact Esco has reportedly abandoned this blog, in search of Rueben Abati money.

 

Some many questions. Thank you, thank you. I will give a brief statement:

 

I had some much going on privately. I had actually typed out drafts for 4 super articles on my phone. However while I was downloading the twit picture of Cossy Ojiakor’s bobby taylors when my phone crashed completely on me. The memory got wiped out along with the articles.

 

One reader had even abused me for supposedly catching the Nigeria malaise of never keeping up a good thing. True, most Nigerian businesses start misbehaving once they start raking in customers. Customer service falls and the business usually goes south. I remember a mama put place that used to be the bees’ knees. The food was awesome – their stew was a work of art. Bouncy grains of rice, chunks of goat meat in a deep fried tomato broth. The owner of the business personally cooked the dishes and served the punters. She even knew all her customers by name, and even befriended their wives and girlfriends. On some days, a few regular could ask for extra meat on credit, and pay at month end. Then the Lagos massive discovered the place. The woman started raking in serious cash, and then her true colors came out. She became cocky and abrasive. She stopped cooking the food personally and hired cooks instead, as she could not bear palm-oil stain on her lace jacquard. She would seat at a corner of the joint with a tooth-pick in her mouth, counting the takings.

 

When I now walked in and greeted her “Madam how you dey?”, she barely grunted an answer. I stopped going there, because the last time I was there, customers were fighting to wash their own plates so they could buy food. Na so?

 

As regard my abandonment of the blog, my answer is “never that.” If I ever became a Big Time Charlie, raking in that kind of dough, I would purchase the technology to make this blog world-class. I would buy cartoon drawing equipment, as I yearn for the days of Papa Ajasco and Benbella type comics. Comic and cartoon strips would better illustrate the story of Nigeria.

 

Are the stories in this blog real? I refer you to the “Caveat” section of the Blog. Please peruse and revert. I will say this – the stories are based on real life, but the names have been change to protect the innocent, but shame the guilty.

 

Why the delay between posts? Abeg no vex. As the articles on this blog are original material, my thought processes and private life determines my output. If I have a shit day or writer’s block or if the price of garri and fuel goes up, there goes any postings. Maybe I should start doing fashion, music and entertainment like all others. Ha ha.

 

Going forward, I require the services of blog consultants as I need advice on how I can turn this blog into a financing business. 419ers and scammers please stay away, or I will wake up at midnight to pray against you. Please any do-gooders or people with knowledge about blog marketing should hit me up via email or twitter. All suggestions are welcome. Yahoo yahoo folks please stay away.

 

The next questions are the ones I want to ask you, so I can get to know you better. I have a few regular readers/ commenters. Please take a sec to answer a few of the below questions.

 

  1. How did you find out about this blog? Referral, internet search or just cyber busy-body? Please expatiate.
  2. How often do you check for new material.
  3. What do you like about Literati: Satires On Nigerian Life. What pisses you off about the blog (apart from the apparent laziness of Esco)
  4. Where are you based? Please name country, city, state, hamlet etc. etc. (this is for marketing/ affirmative action purposes. Don’t worry, I wont divulge your location to EFCC or anything)
  5. What is your favourite post/article so far. Why?
  6. If you were president of Nigeria for a day, what would you do?

 

 

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14 responses

  1. Welcome back*dancing azonto*
    Now to ur questions.
    1. I heard thru a friend (also a blogger)
    2. As often as 2 weeks
    3. The humor attached to every writeup
    4. Satellite town lagos
    5. Emmm, that writeup abt ur EX that insulted a lady in a taxi.
    6. I would gather as many corrupt politician I can get in a hall and set the building on fire.

  2. Randomly discovered u and never stayed back

    Everyday (am amongst those that abuse u on twitter for not keeping up shaa,no vex)

    The humorous way u tackle naiaj issues especially with the added igbotic funny sting to it( am igbo by the way, so we be nwanna)

    Dubai based, thou i still touch my lagos anytime work permits

    Nna post

    Marry u for a day while i round up all the corrupt politicians and do them the JK Rawlings whilst doing my thing on top of ya LOL.

  3. I love love your blog! Please don’t goooooooo, don’t goooooo, don’t go awayyyyy!lol.
    Ok, to the questions;
    1.A friend sent me the link.Thanks Yetty :)
    2.Everyday, then I give up for a week, check again.vicious circle, I tell you.
    3.Original humor!
    4.I agree with agk, the ex post is a winner.
    5.Lagos.
    6.24/7 prayers!!! Also things can’t work in Nigeria while some peeps are free.I’ll lock them up in a wilderness.I’ll probably be tougher than the WAI era on Nigerians because we really believe we can get away with murder.

  4. 1/ I was researching material for the 1977-1980 part of my memoirs, which is the period I lived in Nigeria.
    2. Automail tells me…
    3. What do you like about Literati: Satires On Nigerian Life. Tales about Nigeria of course.
    4. I live in Mexico these days
    5. Finally if I were President of Nigeria for a day what would I do? I guess I would hold a referendum so that the people could decide whether to “let go” the north so it can go its own way into religious barbarism.

  5. 1.Through nairaland. Someone posted an article from your blog – how to recognize a nigerian in diaspora. I became an addict of this blog since then.

    2. Every Sundays. First thing I do After mass

    3. Your humor. In my opinion, you are the best satirist presently. The only guys that can compare to you are Enahoro – the one who wrote “how to be a nigerian” & Aig-imoukhuede of blessed memory.
    Apart from the annoying way you ran away from your blog, there is nothing I hate about it I.

    4. Ilorin

    5.all of them. They. Make me laugh and view our society from another perspective.

    6. I don’t want to be president but I am forced to, I will try to reduce the blatant racism/tribalism in our society by redefining the word “indigene” throughout the executive arm of government.

  6. Welcome back Esco! You have truly been missed.
    On your questions,
    1.I am a cyber olofofo, found it last year, read all your posts that same day.
    2.I don’t check. As soon as it drops, it hits my mail.
    3.Love every bit. Its like you take the words outta my mouth 4.Benin City, Edo
    5.I always look forward to the awards. Helps me know if we criticise the same things.
    6.Fast track a bill to make me president for a few more days. You can’t do much else in a day can you?

    Cheers!

  7. Yay! Loves ya blog
    -Discovered you through another blog’s blogroll don’t remember which..
    -Check every week
    -’everyday pple’ and ‘oh dear’ are favourites
    -Edinburgh, UK based
    -the pounded yam award series
    -I would set an age-limit for public office so that i can get rid of the useless generation stealing money for their unborn grandchildren

  8. -Whilst searching through comments on Bella Naija, you left a comment that made me laugh so I followed the link to your blog and read all your posts that same day
    -Check when I’m in dire need of something funny to read
    -Your sense of humour and style of writing altogether
    -London
    -I honestly can’t say which one, theres always something funny
    -I would find ways/ programmes which implement women empowerment, I guess

  9. I’m with Louisa on your perceived abandonment *side eyeing you* But I feel you on the “inconvenient personal life” sturvs and you’ve been up and running for a few posts now so all is forgiven.

    In answer to your Jamb-type inquisition:
    1. You used to be a regular commentator on Bella Naija (what happened to that cyber relationship?) and so I stalked you back to your own blog. Fear not, it’s only because I love a good read.
    2. I was checking regularly after Whitney’s death but you didn’t post anyhiing for eons so I flounced off in a huff and only thought of checking back again recently & to my great delight, you’d gotten your groove back! Which is a relief because I was starting to believe that whole “Special Advisor” rumor…
    3. You see past the bulls**t.
    4. Aberdeen, Scotland.
    5. I’ll have to say all of them. And no, I’m not an “olofofo”
    6. I’d provide 24hr electricity and water to my citizens FOR GOOD & order the publication of the Fuel Subsidy Committee (or panel, whatever) report. Call me curious, I really wanna know the names of all the armed robbers & how much exactly they stole…

  10. You left a comment about girls close to their mothers on BN.

    2) I used check as often as a month but I have lacked behind and I cant recall the last time I check. But when am bored, missing someone, or life is abit too much to handle. I drop on urs to relax and laugh.

    3) I like EVERYTHING. Your quirkiness, your sense of humour, your style of language, words and illustration. Your interpretation of an event that is well laid out and written. I just like the honesty that flows through and they way you hide your pain and fears behind a joke or illustration. I dont have a favourite post cos I like most of the posts if not all. Lest i forget, I like your intelligence, maturity and sweetness. lol.

    4) UK Sheffield.

    5) I will sell the PRESIDENTIAL SUIT or maybe lease it (If I could). If not I will move to a much smaller house and sell ALL the cars(if I could). If not, I will bring my own car and decline the offers. I will have one driver or maybe two (for certain purposes only) and get rid of all the EFIZI.

    I will GET rid of all the politicians that are all about GREEDINESS and MONEY. I will use my salary to feed the poor and the needy. I will demand for a clear transparency upon my life and doings. I will also demand that for my subordinates. I will ensure each month HAS counts towards a better NIGERIA through a well laid thought out infrastructural plans to build the nation, nurture the young and uphold our forefathers values. I will ensure within the time I spent that I made an impact through my actions and character. I will be a noble President who will refuse to fly unnecessary planes and private JESTS(WHAT IS THE POINT?). I AM the common man and change starts with me the man in the MIRROR. i will employ people with credible discipline. I will build better houses for the poor and the people that have served the NATION. I will ensure industries thrive on credibility and decency. I will put in place plans to build the lost and hopeless. OUR NATION WILL BE REVIVED AGAIN with positive energy, advocacy of justice and HONESTY. I will practice what I PREACH, Be a light of the world and salt to the EARTH. I will change the FACE OF NIGERIA through my hunger, the faces that haunts me and the dreams of the NEXT GENERATION.

    I will change HISTORY FOR GOOD.

    I should stop here before I write a post. I AM PASSIONATE FOR A NEW BETTER REPUTABLE NATION. SO HELP ME GOD.

  11. 1. I have no idea how I found out about this blog. It may have been through linda ikeji’s blog. There are links on the side of her page that links to other blogs. I must have clicked on that link. Or it could be while reading the comments section of Bella Naija. It’s one of those two sha.

    2. Before I would check every weekend but now I have an email alert that lets me know when you post new material.

    3. I love everything about Literati. I love satires, my favorite tv shows are Real Time with Bill Maher, Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and the Steven Colbert show and they are all satirists. See I like to laugh and if you can weave politics or real-issues into that, I’m in heaven. Nothing pisses me off about the blog. Your laziness is not that bad, you have a life na. Somehow you manage to capture everything that happens in that lovely, lovely nation in a few words. So…there’s nothing that pisses me off. Wait o, if you know any other Naija satirists or comedians who focus on politics, abeg recommend them.

    4. I am based in the United States, Maryland-Largo/Upper Marlboro to be precise.

    5. My favorite post would have to be the one on the ALUU 4 and Mubi 40 because I heard nothing about the Mubi 40. I don’t know why that did not generate enough activity on social media. I learned something new about Mubi 40, so that would have to be my favorite post.

    6. If I were president of Naija for a day…I honestly would not be able to get a lot done for only 1 day.
    - But, I would sincerely apologize to Nigerians for failing them all this while and for betraying their trust in me and my predecessors.
    - I would ban the white wigs lawyers and judges wear to court–that colonial ish needs to go.
    - I would propose a bill changing some aspects of the constitution, to put a cap on the salary and allowances of the president, governors, the senators, representatives, local chairmen/women, and their aides. Honestly, I would follow the US’s, Canada’s or Germany’s model in this regard. And since I have only 24 hours, I would call our Naija professors who studied these countries and our legislators to provide advice and consultation on these amendments.
    - Any civil servant (president, vp, governor, senator, representative, local chairman) who is found guilty of any felony (embezzlement or money-laundering) forfeits their pension.
    - There would be some serious jail time for those who are found of guilty of sexual assault and even more jail time when it concerns children (which reminds me, we must define who is a child–under 18).
    - Sharia law would have to be second to federal law, so no child brides. And Senator Yerima must be investigated and arrested for marrying that little girl.
    - The police department must have a sexual assault division–based off the fictional (or maybe nonfictional) SVU (Sexual Victims Unit). Hmm…we’re going to need psychiatrists and psychologists to prep these detectives. These people must be vetted properly because Naija does not seem to understand sexual assault.
    - I would look to see if we have a Department of Records, if not create one. Again, I will look to our Naija professors as consultants. This department must be independent of the executive branch. They do not answer to the president, governors, senators or representatives–kinda like the supreme court. Paper and electronic records
    - Set up a website for available govt jobs and govt contracts–this will fall under minister of labor. Also include a slot for internships and volunteer programs for secondary school students and university students. Contract ideas: roads, public transportation, sewage and water systems, electricity (solar, wind, oil, natural gas), public housing and safety, record database, ratings board for entertainment (g, pg, pg-18, x), education (more Naija languages), publishing (copies of the laws and constitution should be free and other govt publications), radio programs funded by govt, tv programs for kids (tales by moonlight, teaching history of Naija, teaching them their rights), food and water regulation, farming, product safety, environmental pollution, GPS, oil refineries, textile factories, emergency services (police, hospital), health insurance, health and well-being, museums (history, cultural, political, arts), construction, education.
    - Hold a meeting with finance-related professors and the heads of these departments to reduce inflation.
    - Any foreign company looking to operate in Naija must have a certain amount of Nigerian workers (perhaps 50-60 percent…we can model this after other nations).
    - Have 2 national TV stations that televises the events in the senate house and the representative house. Hmmm…this will have to be a govt contract for a private company.
    - Revisit the contracts on federal roads with the Minister of Transportation
    –try to have more women in govt positions
    –call press conferences for every single thing that plans to be done and when it is done.
    –have coffee on standby, I can sleep after the day is over.

  12. Having read this I thought it was rather enlightening.
    I appreciate you spending some time and energy to put this short
    article together. I once again find myself personally spending
    a significant amount of time both reading and posting comments.

    But so what, it was still worth it!

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