Do Me (2)

Just try am, you go see pepper today

When my little cousin was about to go off to University, I called her and gave her some advice. Nothing too preachy; just some basic rules for keeping safe from sexual predators and pervy hawks.  I am a lad, and I know all the tricks of the game: nobody was pimping my little cousin. She later confessed  that the advice I gave her helped her and some of her friends she shared them with, and were gems that should be codified into a journal or something. Ah bless.

Seeing the rising incidents of rape and sexual assault, I have decided to draw up this set of rules for the benefit of my reading audience. Guys could have a read too, but they won’t be needing them unless they are super-star entertainers or billionaires. Naija girls won’t molest you unless you are loaded or famous, abi?

  1. Guard your grill: Nas said “school your sons, teach your girls karate”. Every girl should know how to defend herself if cornered.  I know that is easier said than done, because a Nigerian man on a rape mission is like Oge Okoye and ‘runs girl’ films. And fighting off more than one guy may be asking too much of any member of the fairer sex (unless the girl is built like Apolonia). But I have always told my little sister and my girl the following: You don’t have to know Krav Maga, kung fu or gidigbo to ward off attackers. You can gorge the man’s eyes with your pinkie, thumb and index fingers. If you have one of those manicured fake acrylic nails, put it to good use girl. Or you can yank the attacker’s nuts sack(scrotum). Any brute would cry like a baby if this is done properly, I don’t care if he is built like Gentle Jack or Torino. A quick tugging motion diagonally is all that is needed, with all the strength you can muster. Think of it, like you are yanking a Birkin bag off another girl’s hands at a 60% off sales event. That should do it.

This would only work if your attacker is a man. If it is another female trying to rape you, sorry o.

You can also attack his legs, by stamping his knee caps so hard  that they break inwards. Do this if you are both standing. If you are wearing Loubotins with 4 inch heels, stick them in and twist, till the rapist bleeds. Loubs don’t come with red heels for nothing. This one is risky though – do not try if you are wearing fake or knock-off brands, as the heels may break instead. Don’t try either if you are wearing Gladiator sandals.

I wonder why in a country that produces red pepper, tatashe, really red hot chili and suya pepper, we do  not have an indigenous pepper spray firm. Such a company would make a killing in sales. Maybe I should become a ‘consultant’ to any interested investors because girls would rush pepper sprays like they do Blackberries and weaves. Yeah I can see it – Esco’s Anti-rape Suya Pepper spray. I could do a partnership with the makers of Baygon insecticide. Or maybe I should name the pepper spray “Be-Gone” instead. Have you seen the way those things maul roaches?

I would have advocated that a Nigerian company produced stun guns for personal defense, but I thought about it and remembered NEPA/ PHCN. See how that went? Nigeria has a problem with electricity so how can we think of making electric stun guns. Maybe unless we have one that uses fuel  to generate the electric shock, just like an “I Better Pass My Neighbor” generator.

2.  Don’t go to a guy’s crib alone especially if you don’t plan on getting down. Yes I am talking to you. Girls need to stop deceiving themselves by saying that guys should be able to hold themselves no matter what. Honey, flee from all manners of temptations and danger. As Segun Arinze used to say in those old Nollywood flicks, “do not enter the snake pit unless you want to tango with the Cobra”. Or trouser snake.

By the way, Segun Arinze used to refer to himself as The Cobra. He looks nothing like a cobra, unless he is referring to its hood.

3.  Don’t underestimate any chap, and write them off as harmless or platonic friends. Any guy who is not related to you (ok, there are exceptions but I hope thunder would fire them) could try to sleep with you. Body nor be firewood. Some girls delude themselves by trying to compartmentalize their male friends. “Oh, Sabifok and I are like best friends, he would never think about it. I even knew his ex- girlfriend.”  Meanwhile you are wearing “cross-no-gutter” mini-skirts in front of this dude. Babes, buru gawa jor.

And don’t deceive yourself thinking that this guy is built like Teju Philips while you are thickset like Monique, so there is no way he could overpower you. Agro makes super-humans of timid people. I refer you to the Konji Principle, Volume 2.

 4.  Always hold your trans-card (or transport fare) or have a means of transport, if you are going to see a dude. Some guys use the threat of not dropping the chick off to force the lass into sleeping over. Keep your phone charged too, and have some credit for goodness sake. Try keeping 2 phones if you can preferably, Glo and another network. For some girls, this may be damn near impossible, especially if it is the dude that paid for your phone and credit in the first place. Good luck.

5.  Do not bait guys by aiming to “chop his money” and flee. Many guys are gracious in ‘defeat’ but there are nutcases out there, who believe in ‘tits for tat”. Get it? Tits for tat. In other words, it takes two hands to wash each other properly. A chap called Chima used to hook his rich 419 cousin with girls from his uni. His cousin Shaba would treat the overwhelmed girl to shopping and dates, and then take them home for a shag-fest. Until Chima introduced Shaba to this really street-smart girl called Ijeoma. Shaba took her shopping to various stores where she picked up clothes, a really smart watch and some make up accessories. She complained that she needed provisions and toiletries for school, so he obliged her.

He drove her back to his house for ‘desert’ and that’s where the drama started. She refused to let him get down, and acted like she was surprised he was bringing all this up. She thought all his kind gestures had been a friendly act. Shaba was having none of that, and keep trying to take her top off. So Ije told him to give her a second, while she used the bathroom.

Shaba strolled to the fridge to fix himself a drink, when he heard a loud noise like a smash. He rushed to the bathroom, and broke the door in. Ije had been trying to bail through the toilet window, and had smashed the water closet as she stood on it to elevate herself. She was lucky not to have sustained any injury. Shaba was amazed – the toilet was on the first floor (2nd to yankee people). Ije smiled sheepishly.

Shaba dragged her back into the bedroom, and she had to give it up sharp sharp. What a jerk! 

6.  And if despite all of the above, the unfortunate deed happens, make sure you tell someone. If you have elder brothers, let them know. If you have cousins who are in confra, let them know, and point them to the house of the person. If you have a Chief who wants to marry you and has been making advances, let him know so he can organize his thugs. Trust me, there is no shame towards a rape victim. Nigeria has evolved – we have entertainers dressing up half-naked and people spilling their life secrets on Twitter. We have a weak central government and a free-for-all economy, so there is no shame in being raped. The supposed stigma is too small/irrelevant for the victim to hide the act and carry a lifetime of pain and distrust of men.

So there you have it. Stay safe and be good.

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24 responses

  1. Esco, you got me laughing aloud at most of the rules, but they make sense too. lol @ “Babes, buru gawa jor”. I can just picture Ije looking sheepishly as she was caught trying to escape via the toilet window. hehehehehe. Did she think that Shaba was just been generous. For where dat kain generousity dey happen na? mschewwwwww.

  2. Thumbs Up! You should do a Rules book like Richard Templar(The Rules of Wealth, Work, Life, Love). Our young girls really need to hear this, hope their “Aunty Funmis” print & share with them :)

  3. ….And this! Has said it all. Never go to a guy’s house alone especially, or know for sure, there are other people there. Never go for a house party alone(I know a girl who was raped that way, got pregnant and had to abort the baby, I knoow the guys too. Police picked them up, after bribe, they released them and he left the country).
    Do not let a guy come to your place when you live alone, or else, keep all doors and windows ope,(that’s what I do, I stay in open places with them especially the balcony, any move and one person is going over).
    If any guy is going to want to act like a dog, we need to put a leash on them and a muscler as well, girls keep safe and speak up!!! No one died from being speaking up, but people have from NOt talking about it.

  4. rule 4 and 5 i practise,rule 2 i learnt to practise after a bad lesson and rule 3 i wil being to implement thanks to esco..good write up!

  5. yet another great write-up from Esco….I enjoyed reading this….its true, I wonder why pepper-spray hasnt really caught on with Naija babes. That could be a multi-million naira industry rite there mehhhn

  6. you know. i read your part one and part two. i can’t help but feel like you are still blaming the victim and disguising it as “humor”. for example,. “he dragged her back and she had to give it up sharp sharp.” – to you that’s funny and it seems you think its appropriate. but to the victim, there’s nothing funny about that. please watch your words.

    as for going to a guys room or house alone. sometimes it happens. does that mean you deserve to be raped? you seem to forget that sex is enjoyed when BOTH parties are willing. any man who is willing to force a girl through violence (i suggest you watch the movie REVERSED with monica belucci for a proper rape story), smashing her face in, brandishing a gun or knife or whatever weapon he uses is SICK in the head. it doesnt matter if you go to his room alone. if someone is SICK they will find a way to perform sick deeds. there’s absolutely NOTHING the victim could possibly do to cause someone’s sickness. its a matter of the heart and a sign of the wickedness of man. how can you enjoy violating someone unless you are pure evil. so yes, if you like tell girls never to go anywhere. they should even follow sharia and wear purdah sef. but we all know that those women are the ones who get raped the most. and most women are raped by somebody they knew. a father, a brother, a cousin, an ‘uncle’….someone who they may have thought was ‘safe’ but turned out to be evil. should girls never be alone with even their relatives again according to your story? abeg o. there’s nothing funny about rape. all i can see is you trying to somehow blame the ABIA and LASU victims. you’re trying to ask “why did they enter those places alone” almost as if you knew what really happened.

    shortly after the ABIA rape, a 6 yr old girl in lagos was raped. when she went with her parents to report the incident, the police officer asked her if she “enjoyed it”. a 6 yr old girl. wow.

    • Mayo you have come again o. Ok, where do I start

      The sentence went like “She had to give it up sharp sharp” and then I called the guy a jerk for forcing himself on a girl just because he had a sense of entitlement. Do you expect me to use language like “she was ravaged and plundered”. You may havemisconstruedthe message or tone behind it somewhere. I do not condone rape in any form.

      No where in the article have I blamed rape on the victims. In fact I said that guys should exercise self-control at all times hence the line “a cold shower is better than a cold cell” There are different ways to relay a serious message. This blog uses satire and sarcasm, but beneath the surface is a potent message. For this particular subject, I was direct enough without trying to downplay the gravity of the incidents that have occurred. Please refer to the “Caveat” section of this blog, so that you would understand the guidelines. I am not one to come out threatening fire and brimstone in order to get my point across. The article further describes how rapists are seen as the lowest of the low among criminals, so it is adespicableact.

      The 2nd article just encourage every girl to stand up for herself and safeguard her womanhood. No girl deserves to be raped even if she goes to a guys house naked. But she should avoid putting herself in that situation anyway if she can. No where in this article have I prescribed what a girl should wear or who they should keep as friends. If a girl is molested by a member of her family or a trusted one, I advised that she should speak up. Its a cruel world out there, and since there are more cases of female than male rape, girls have to take extra precautions, the same way you look your doors and gates to ward off armed robbers. It may not work all the time, that’s why the last paragraph encourages victims of rape to seek help and not be ashamed to speak up.

      Whatever the LASU and ABSU victims did has nothing to do with the 2nd article. The 2nd article is just some general rules to help girls. It is very unfortunate that our police could ask a girl that question. Our security agencies need to be re-orientated from the ground up to able to offer counselling and know how to relate to victims of crimes (this was also pointed out in my article).

      Hope you have understood now. Let me know if you need to me to break it down to you sentence by sentence.

  7. Maybe mayo is a new comer and doesn’t understand we here at woahnigeria discuss potent issues over the proverbial bottle of beer(satire). Read the title of the blog again, that might help. And the rules above are in no way enshrining rape or blaming anyone, just telling you ways to be safe. That one has an accident isn’t always the person’s fault but wear seatbelts to prevent major injuries. This is kind of akin to what is being said here. You could actually use a little humour in your life, you seem a little bit wound up. Take a chill pill

  8. @ Esco *big hug*
    @ Mayo, I am a lady and I do not believe that I deserve to be raped under ANY circumstances. Having said that one ground that I disagree with advocates especially feminist is on their overemphasis of ‘theoretical protection’. They say things like women should be allowed to walk naked in dark alleyways where young lads are and should not get molested. True! Women should be respected and not seen as sexual objects; absolutely true! And so on and so forth. However, I strongly hold that while we advocate for this change in ideology and what not, we should also be practical in our advocacy just like Esco is doing in this piece. So until, every man knows how to restrain his snake in his trousers, I would not enter the cobra’s cage. After all you pointed out something about rapists being sick why should i risk become a victim by mentally living in what an ideal society should be when I can prevent, to a certain extent, falling prey to something so damaging by living in the real world. After all, in an ideal society I should be able to sleep without an robbery attack with my front door open but I don’t do that, I go ahead and buy a dog, get barbwire, bolt my doors 50 times over! . Finally, all this long story does not mean that one can not be a victim of rape if one is extra careful, it just reduces the chances a lot!.

  9. hmmmn!!! nice write-up. In the absence of pepper sprays, body sprays/antiperspirants should do the job. sure, rexona, dove, etc let every girl have one in her bag.

  10. some girls sef, dem b big thief… Esco ur rules nor go fit work 4 where i dey. If dem wn rape u dem go rape u.. But d guy go face d consequences. Confra brother really help dem go beat u up n win u totally..rape rare 4 delta state

  11. and girls stop walking at nite alone.. Beg 1 make he follow u reach some where safe. But if u beg me i nor go follow u i nor get body wen dem wn beat.waka waka

  12. Gosh, interesting how this post turned into a debate about rape. Dude was just advising his cousin/sister. Granted rape is a serious issue, no point preaching to the converted. Take the tips or leave them.
    Having said that, Tip 1 made me shudder, some grimey, violent stuff – I pray i never have to do any of that. But then as squeamish as I am, I’m sure I can muster always bust some nuts.

  13. First time here. Love your writings, on numero 3. I have been a victim several times, i was a bit naive till my mid 20’s but i have since learnt(thanks to my girl friends) i never visit any men alone.
    Numero 4. I always order what i can pay for and have a cab guy’s number on speed dial or i drive. Some men can be nasty!

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  15. Very nicely said. I’ve always been fascinated with self defense and the likes, I guess its from watching too may films lol. Its sad seeing or hearing about rape cases. Nigerian ladies are the easiest to rape, cos they feel they can’t fight back. I’ve always longed that pepper spray would be available for the vulnerable ladies out there. its quite sad many don’t know any self defense skill. It was in my quest I somehow stumbled on your post. Its nice to know there is someone who actually shares similar thoughts.
    Nice one.

  16. Reblogged this on scorptastic and commented:
    Nice read for ladies who think they can’t defend them selves in the event of Rape. Its a cowardly act of a weak mind. D☺n’t become weak yourself ladies, stick to †ђξ KEY WORDS:
    FIGHT: d☺n’t feel you’re †ђξ ‘weaker sex’ fight †ђξ silly konji ridden guy off.
    PREVENT: d☺n’t go to guys houses unaccompanied if you can help it or you’re putting yourself at his mercy.
    SPEAK. OUT: there is always help to be found ‘seek and ye shall find’. Help won’t come to you till you look for it. You may just have caught something let it be gone now. Talk to someone and let things be made better and easier even though †ђξ authorities are not much help. Nigeria smh

    Stay safe ladies. Guys use your head and not †ђξ ‘D’ to think duh

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