You Dey Make Me Kolo (2)

Food for thought; you do the dishes

There is no doubt that the dynamics of relationships between the opposite sex have been changed forever by technology.

Whatever happened to times when you and a chick you liked exchanged love letters or notes? I remember my primary school sweetheart passing me crumpled notes at class. We would bribe her desk partner with ‘Gogo’ candy to help deliver them. Who can also remember the days of love letters where the girl sprayed the letter with her deodorant/perfume (until the letter looked like akara paper) drew a million cupid hearts at the bottom, before sending it off by post with a 50kobo stamp. Nah I am not that old.

The advantage of the old style was that you and the girl could assess your handwriting techniques, grammar and spelling because there was no spell check. I had a girl who actually found my rich cursive handwriting style attractive. Besides back then if you shelled too many times with your grammar, she could drop you like a bad habit. I doesn’t want you anymore….

Even the old landline telephones encourage active participation when toasting. You had to call the girl and risk meeting her whole extended family, or even risk going all the way to her house if you could not get through. You could not drop voice-messages so there was no escaping properly chatting a girl up. It has all changed now. You could meet a girl on Twitter, ask her out via Yahoo Messenger, have a dinner date via Skype, find her cheating via her Facebook status, and dump her via BB.

My favorite one is asking a girl out via text, or asking her anything for that matter. There was this guy who really fancied this girl in his office. He managed to get her number, and called her a couple of times to ask her out but she wasn’t interested in him at all.

On a Friday night out after work, the guy had plenty bottles of cheap Harp beer, got pissy drunk and courageous and decided to send a text to the lass, who was at home.

He used a code – I 1 2 4 Q

Her reply wasn’t coded at all: Get lost you bastard, and never ever in your sad stupid life  ever call or text me again.

Technology works a treat for rebukes.

Some Nigerian ladies get carried away with what they see in romantic comedy movies. A guy met a girl at a party and they really vibed. At the end of the party, he asked her “ I really enjoyed talking to you Tosan. How and when can I see you again?”

She replied shrugging her shoulders non-committally “If we are meant to see again, you would find me.”

The guys exclaimed ‘Sweetie, you live at Agbarra with your strict aunt, and I stay in Victoria Island.  I never go to that end of Lagos so you know our paths may never cross after this, so seriously, how I go take see you again.”

The girl gave up her number quick quick.

A girl once tried to be artsy like they do in the movies by writing her number on my palm. I quickly withdrew my hand in pain, after she had written about 3 digits. This babe wanted to kill me o – she had used an Eleganza biro, and you know they have a sharp felt tip. Whatever happened to using a soft eye pencil, or better yet just reciting the damn number so that I could store it on my phone?!

So what do you say to a girl who has features like the one in this article’s picture. How do you solve a problem like Maria? Or one like Ifeoma, Bukola or Hauwa? This all reminds me of the song from Sound of Music. Sing with me:

Many a thing you know you would like to tell her/

Many a thing she ought to understand/

But how do you make her stay/

And listen to what you stay/

How do you keep a wave upon the sand?/

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

How do you toast a girl without breaking bank or breaking your vocal cords?

A chap much older than me, when schooling me on the relationship and dating game when I was a teenager, advised me that if I wanted to toast a really hot girl but had no courage, I should just imagine that she was taking a shit. It would make her look very ordinary and approachable

Yeah, I can see that just working now. Thanks but no thanks, I am not imagining Munachi Abi, Genevieve or Agbani Darego taking a dump in some dingy pit latrine with flies about.  I tried to use the technique for Goldie and ChiDynma and almost passed out at the thought.

She gave a smile but I got no answer though/
It took a while before she gave me a chance, she’s acting cold/
I offered her a drink she turned me down flat/
She said if you want my name you gotta do better than that/

Cypress Hill (What’s Your Number, 2004)


You Dey Make Me Kolo

Hello, hello

Now, that I have gotten your attention with the above picture, if you are ready, we can settle into the topic for today.

I was listening into a radio show on the Verastically Livin‘ blog, and the subject was on male toasting and all its epic failings. Apparently Naija fellas are supposed to score low on this most important of tasks. Ah, it is this topic of toasting again, huh? I know this is a much flogged topic, one which I had opined on before in my older article – Toast A Nigerian Girl. However, with Nigeria tethering on the brink, I want to contribute my bit to fostering national unity by promoting ways to make love not war.

It is hard to blame some guys for falling short when it comes to chatting up girls. One reason may be that some girls are really really hot, and you get your words muddled up trying to form sentences in their lovely presence. Look at the above picture – how would you start a conversation with a broad like that. If you told her that you were toasting her because you are attracted to her intellect, even she would know that you are telling porkies Would you approach her with a starter like ‘I love how you do the dishes’ or would you say your mind (I just wanna love you) and risk a rebuke ? Can you see that being yourself does not always work when it comes to chatting a chick up?

I will be frank -my liver has failed me a couple of times when approaching chicks so I tend to rely on my charm (not charms or black magic oh). I once sat next to a brown skinned beauty at an event. She asked me for my name, and I replied Antonio without thinking. I had been watching Wild Rose, that popular Mexican soap on TV the night before, so the name of one of the characters came to my mind when I was asked my nomenclature. Yep, she was so fine that I forgot my own name. Don’t be mad if your looks had not had that effect on someone.

Then some weeks later, I was at The Palms, when I heard someone shouting “Antonio, Antonio!” and whistling to get my attention.

I turned around, and it was the girl from the event. She was panting slightly and was a bit upset, because she had been running after me.

I had forgotten my own name! She invariably later found out that Antonio wasn’t my real name, and that killed anything between us before it could start.

Most guys get their names correct of course, but that is all they do right.

There was this chap who was trying to chat up this really beautiful girl at a kiosk in front of his office. She was clad in the tightest skirt suit and killer heels, while he was sweating profusely from doing marketing runs for his bank all morning. She had just bought a soft drink and was about to leave. He didn’t know what to say so he said ‘So you like Fanta orange too.”

Corny, but the girl thought it was rather sweet (him, not her bottle of Fanta).

So she smiled, and the ice was broken. They started a long convo, hooked up on a date, and dated for 2 years.

The problem with this ‘woo-ing’ thing is that there is too much onus (not anus) on guys during the process to make things happen. Girls expect a guy to have smooth lyrics, drop ‘word’ that would hold their attention, make them laugh, hang around or constitute a general nuisance.  Did you see all the hassle Kevin Jame’s character had to go through in the Will Smith movie ‘Hitch’?

What is a girl supposed to be doing all this while? What is she bringing to the table? After all, she has a fair bit to gain as well. A guy may be saying or doing the right things but it takes two to tango. If a lass is not sending the right messages or giving the right vibes, it may put a guy off. And that in no way diminishes a guy’s toasting skills. The perfect analogy would be a joke I once heard Basketmouth the comedian crack at one of his concerts. He said that when he performs at a show, if some people in the audience don’t laugh, then it isn’t his fault as he always does his best with his performance.  If they don’t laugh, it is because their personal problems are more than his jokes. And in that case, he wouldn’t be able to do anything for them.

Sometimes, you call or BB a girl you are interested in, and she would ask something like ‘What’s up? Any better or any gist?’ like you should be a steady form of amusement for her. Dead uncomfortable silence…….

I once had a girl come over, get comfy on my sofa, and give me an ultimatum ‘Esco, I have come to see you. So entertain me or I would never come here again.’

I switched on the television, and changed the channel to E!. There you go.

I have noticed that what guys and ladies expect in the ‘toasting process differs. Men want to get it over and done with quickly. We actually want maximum returns for minimum effort –  we like less talk and more action, get it?

Women prefer a long drawn out toasting process where you have to prove that you have got what it takes. They want to be ‘wooed’ ‘flattered’ wined, dined, then caressed, which all takes too much time and resource; besides there are  a few girls who don’t mind it being in the reverse order – caressed, dined, whined, flattered, then scattered. Guys prefer the latter category, understandably.

Some girls just don’t want to be talked to – they want to be toasted. You may be called a slacker for just being open, and taking your time to know a lass. You may be labeled other names for trying to do things the convenient way.

There was this girl I had met at a networking conference years back. We just vibed, and exchanged numbers, then started exchanging SMSs frequently. There may have been a little attraction.  We decided we would meet for a date – movies and food. The problem was that the girl lived in Ogudu, while I stay in Ajah. This was around the time when there were really congested road-works going on Lekki-Epe expressway which would take me about 4 hours or more to get to her crib. I asked home-girl if she could meet me halfway – take a cab to Surulere. I would come and get her there, and take her to the Island for our day out. Then I would drop her at home in Ogudu in the evening. That way, we could maximize quality time spent together, rather than wasting it in traffic. Logical right?

The girl blatantly refused saying that I was trying to short-change her “Esco, you want to do things the easy way. You must come and pick me up from my father’s house if you want to take me for a date. You must go through all the processes if you want to take me out. I am not easy.”

Who said anything about anyone being easy?

This reminds of when a friend of mine mis-yarned by blurting out the wrong thing to a girl he was chasing at the time. She was a real down-to-earth easygoing type of girl, so he used to take her to Mr. Biggs and Bank Olemoh Designer Rice for dates. He was so appreciative of the fact that she wasn’t a greedy type of girl that he remarked one day “Titi, this is the reason I like you. Whenever we go to Mr. Biggs, you always order only one donut, and you don’t even ask for mineral. I have been telling my friends that you are a cheap date. I like that.”

The girl was like ‘Huh?’ She lost her cool, laidback nature and upped her ante – she always demanded for Double Four  afterwards.

3 Things I Hate About Esco

Me too, Me too o...

I had a week from hell a fortnight ago. For some reason I just kept on upsetting and annoying people around me. Yep, Esco could be a jerk sometimes. I must have been going through the motions, and rubbed off people the wrong way. And the truth is that I think I know when I am being an asshole – in those instances I just can’t help it. Even my clone would have said “Esco, go fuck yourself” (not literally though).

I had mini tiffs with my girl, her aunt, my sister, my mother. Notice that they were all females. I even killed an ant with a sledge-hammer. No, I really did – I was walling a picture near the food pantry (sounds better than cupboard) when I saw an ant. Yeah, you can call the animal conservationists, but there was ant juice all over the wall. Even atom ant would have gotten it. Maybe I was just ‘bugging’ out. Okay bad joke.

To be honest, it wasn’t all my fault. It was just one of those weeks where I seemed to say and do the wrong things at the wrong time. A friend of mine Ogbonna has a term for that kind of situation where nothing works out for you for a period. He coined that term when he had off days socially when every girl he tried to hook up refused to give him the time of day or refused to give him their phone number.

Ogbonna had had a particularly bad week at work, with his new boss pressuring him with project after project. We decided to hit the club that night for a couple of drinks and just to hang out. His luck didn’t change. It made for sorry viewing as he approached girl after girl, but none chewed on his bait. He even tried to sandwich one drunken blonde lass ( sneak behind her while she is dancing with her friend), but she turned around angrily and shook her fists at him as she staggered away. Frustrated, he bellowed out ‘E be like say my mouth dey smell. Nothing dey gel for me today.” And a new phrase was coined.

You post up a comment on Facebook or a tweet, and it rubs people the wrong way, and scores of people proceed to rain insults on your point of view – your mouth dey smell.

You drive out, and it seems that every okada rider wants to redesign your car paint with their handle-bars as they drive recklessly, and danfo and molue drivers keep driving neck to neck with you, almost touching your bumper. Then the hawker selling MTN recharge cards presses his stack of cards against your glass, smudging it and refusing to budge. Then you nearly become a victim of road rage, as some impatient idiot behind you, blaring his horn, over takes you suddenly on the bend, nearly sending you crashing. As the fool drives off, he gives you the waka sign, and you feel like you are playing bumpy cars at the Getz Arena. Since you are rushing to meet an urgent appointment, you mistakenly drive into a ‘one-way’ stree in your confusion, and get pulled over by LASTMA officials who despite your frank pleas, and puny bribe of N500 insist on towing you and your vehicle to Alausa – ‘your mouth dey smell.’

Anyway, that was my lot some weeks ago. My mouth seemed to be smelling, as I kept on getting into conflicts with all around me.  Being that I have chosen to remain anonymous, a lot of you my dear readers, do not know that much about my characteristics. One of the things about being a blogger, an anonymous one at that is that you get to choose the better parts of your life story to share with blogosphere, which makes you come across as uber-cool. There may be a myth that Esco is cool, calm and collected. Or crazy, sexy, cool. Far from it. As part of a sick reverse therapy, to atone for my wrong doing, and ‘mouth smelling’ ways, I have decided to share some of the things I hate most about myself.

M.I the rapper, tried to do the same thing with his song ‘Imperfect Me’ off his latest offering MI2. He invited his friends and associates at the end of the song to say a couple of things that they didn’t like about him. Trust Naija people, we always have a mouthful to spew. Some didn’t get the memo or the fun gist of the concept, and proceeded to lay into him with some bad belle observations – “Jude (M.I’s government name) is dirty and his room is always filthy”.

If it were me, I would have edited it sharp sharp – the friend who made the remark and their comments. By the way, dirty is unattractive and gross. The friend should have said ‘durrty’ instead.

So in order to have damage control, I would be criticizing myself by myself, thank you very much. The caveat is that you must also tell me 3 things you hate or wish you could change about yourself. Yep, your less endearing qualities. You guys may have a diminished view about me after this, but here goes:

  • I am a bit careless. I really don’t care about things I don’t care about. I remember an observation made by my teacher in Primary 4 under the character traits section of my report card. She wrote ‘Esco is very intelligent and engaging but he is too careless.”

Yep, I did misplace a lot of HB pencils and work assignments. I only kept all my biros well because I was a biro game champion. The teacher knew I didn’t send her and most other things that were not related to food and water, but I think she exaggerated a bit out of bellus for me. She once caught me eating a pack of Malted Milk biscuit during a class session. She seized it, and later on, I saw her chewing some, and handing it out to her son who had come to see her from the nursery section!

I am care-free too – a bit too much. Fast and free is the word.

I am type of person not to bother nagging or mouthing off to about anything. My expensive possessions can actually embarrass me especially if people start to inquire about the price or origin. I am more Purple Label Ralph Lauren than Big Polo Horse ‘eshin’ logo on the chest of the top for all to see. So in that way, I am not a typical flashy Nigerian – I prefer an Indie lifestyle. If I had my way, I would rather live in the suburbs, own my own newspaper blog like the Huffington Post, smoke a nice Havana cigar once in a while,  have 2 kids who would call me “pop dukes” and make me akara in the morning.

I do not care for chieftaincy titles, I don’t want the longest popular un-tarred street named after me.  I am not interested in becoming the most famous person in the Lagos social scene; and I don’t want to ‘oppress’ (I hate that word) my fellow Nigerian with my show of wealth or affluence.

I am not interested in being that big shot who zooms past in a convoy of SUVs, horns and sirens blaring, running pedestrians off the road, with the hazard lights blinking like an apollo patient. I remember a Nollywood film where a rich dude did this, his convoy splashing flood water on Clem Ohameze’s character who was walking on the road. Clem, visibly oppressed and intimidated by the show of wealth and flashy cars, shook his head enviously as he said “Look at what my fellow man is doing to me. Money is good o.”

Don’t get me wrong – I want paper, especially to help people around me. It is just that money is not all there is to life. I would really fancy a couple of original Andy Warhol paintings, a Mercedes or another unique piece of German engineering and the love of  my peers. Plus some nice cooked food and good and fitted clean clothes. And forget a Stepford wife- I always knew I would end up with an All-Nigerian Girl. Yep, I vote respect over money and power; one of my greatest fears is being wealthy but being grossly disillusioned or dissatisfied with life. C.R.E.A.M – Cash Rules Everything/Everyone Around Me (except me).

  • I am a bit scared of commitment – I was class monitor for a minute in my first  year in secondary school. I got the title revoked for getting the class jumping. Being answerable to anyone socially or emotionally is a nightmare, though it has gotten better for me with age.  Emotional commitment in particular was like a horror flick.

Readers please berate me – I have the unenviable record of dating a girl for 2 hours officially. In fact I have done it twice – I have dated 2 girls for a couple of hours. No, not at the same time, but on 2 different occasions. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Let me get my apologies in order, here and now – Toyin and Chioma I am really sorry. I never meant to cause you any pain. By the way, Chioma if you are reading this, big ups to your brother for hooking us up. However I heard he was looking for me with a cutlass, when he heard we had broken up 120 minutes after deciding to go steady. Tell him, I had to skip town momentarily. Something ‘urgent’ came up – nothing to do with him.

I would talk more about this at a later time.

  • I am a super flirt. This has gotten me into trouble plenty of times. People have said I actually flirt without knowing – with the way I smile, and show lasses attention even if I am not interested in them that way. I am told I have an uncanny ability to make a girl feel special by just being friendly and chatty. I think that is all absolute bollocks, because it never seems to work when I do really fancy a girl. It is not my fault if some girls misread what they deem as green light. What one girl deems flirty may be nothing to another girl, right?

The problem is that nowadays people read meanings into every single thing a member of the opposite sex does. I told a girl that she looked like the girl in Neyo’s ‘One in a million’ video, and she thought I was trying to get fresh with her.

  I even had a girl who tried to ‘ban’ me from smiling with other females. Yeah, blame it on my dimples. I soon started walking around with a face like Tony Umez (haha – Noble Igwe is a fool). Or Bill Duke (click on link to see facial expression).

I will be frank though, I have flirted a bit harmlessly with females to gain a small advantage or get better service. Like female cashiers at banks or airport ticketing ones, just to squeeze out better or faster service. Works a treat with Zenith Bank female workers. First Bank workers – not so much.

I think I may have even flirted a bit with my boss. She would ask me “Esco, aren’t you going home yet? It is almost 8pm. You can pack up your desk if you are done’.

I would reply with a spark in my eye ‘I can’t leave you alone here, Ma.’ With the ‘Ma’ pronounced like a Spaniard or Latino would say it.

And it wasn’t me trying to suck up. I was being charming and friendly with her, because she was wonderful to work with.

But when she and one of the directors started asking me inappropriate questions about my dating life during lunch breaks in the cafeteria, I knew I had to chill.

Ladies, I apologize if I have ever flirted with you against your own will. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea – it wasn’t intentional. It is all love though.

So those are a few of my less flattering traits – please share your with me. By the way, when you can, have a listen to M.I’s ‘Imperfect Me’ off his most recent album. Here are lyrics from its final verse:

 

There’s so much dirt I have covered/
It’s dark inside my cupboard/
It’s got me bothered I agree, yes/
I see, I am only human/
And it’s bad consuming/
Every good is blooming/
My actions each are ruining/
I am disaster walking/
Can’t hear the master talking/
But still I hear the Savior/
In all of my behavior/
Cos love remained over every single shame/
Let me be/

M.I. (Imperfect Me, 2010)

Baby, Don’t Do It

Mba nu....


As a kid growing up, I really loved Jackie Chan movies. He was a modern day Superman taking out all the bad guys with his vulnerable style of martial arts, plus he was mad funny. He was realistic unlike Steven Seagal who would break everyone’s legs and bones like okporoko and not sustain a scratch himself. Jackie Chan was real unlike Mojo, Benbella or Garth who were heroes on Nigerian comic strips in the newspapers. Garth was always falling for treacherous double-agents (Guardian Newspaper), and Benbella was always getting beaten up. Nackson,even had more mojo than Mojo (Vangaurd newspaper).

One of my wishes as a child was to travel to China to meet Jackie Chan.

On a visit to a Chinese Restaurant in Surulere, I asked the waiter “Hey, you are Chinese. Do you know Jackie Chan? Is he your brother? Una resemble

Carefully balancing the plate of hot soup and Wong Tong soup, he answered with all the restraint he could “Jackie Chan is actually from Hong Kong, not China. Besides I am Taiwanese”

What is the difference, I thought to myself. But I remarked “Okay Taiwan; na una country dey make fake toys…”

My mum ‘eyed’ me furiously, so I stopped saying more.

That ‘eyeing’ became a secret code for ‘shut it, boy!’ or ‘baby, don’t do it’

I would like to apply the same code to the same categories of people in Nigeria:

  • You only spent your adult life in Jand/Yankee, yet your foreign accent is even stronger than the citizens there. You act as if agege bread and public transport is beneath you. You criticize everything about Nigerian life, and remark about how The Palms and The Galleria are glorified shopping centers where you are coming from. You start pronouncing Nigerian words in an annoying manner, just like when Stephen Keshi, the former Super Eagles captain pronounced Bournvita as “Born –vira” in that 94 beverage ad. You broadcast your foreign pedigree or “pre-degree” in every update on Facebook or “Twirra” We all hear you. You need to quit forthwith.
  •  You follow fashion blindly. Nah I really mean that literally. You follow fashion and you don’t see as a result. Biko nwa nne,  don’t wear sunglasses indoors unless you have apollo, you are a huge superstar, or you are a funky malo.going to Bar Beach on Sunday. When you start wearing glasses to the extent that you can’t see properly or nearly cause accidents all in the name of fashion, then there is a problem. Beauty is pain? Try accidents and incidents because you nor see road because of shades. Dude was wearing sunglasses at 6pm and cruising on Lekki-Epe expressway bumping 2Pac’s “U Cant C Me.” Ojuigo then crashed headlong into an okada carrying a passenger. The Consolidated Association of Okada-Riders of Nigeria Lekki Branch surrounded dude with anger and revenge in their hearts. The first slap he received took the glasses off. See how he was finally made to take the frames off. By the way, these okada men should really quit mobbing motorists after accidents.
  •  Think about it before you press the send button on your BB  especially forwarding those needless messages which require the recipient to follow suit or die within 7 days. There is one that has been catching pervy people on facebook recently – you click on a pornographic still and it shows up on your wall. You are what you forward.

You know how drunk oyibo girls on a night out start texting guys who they fancy or exes who have scorned them. The next morning, it is a bad idea as they now look foolish. This should have the same effect on people who forward dead jokes or tired messages via BBM.

Don’t forward messages or boring jokes. In fact don’t text/forward/bbm anything you cannot physically say yourself to the recipient’s face. Nope I refuse to forward this religious message and its doesn’t mean that I am denying my faith or refusing to propagate the gospel. I am just denying you the sender the opportunity to drive me really mad.

 This all reminds me of a time I took up a part-time Market Research job while in university. The job entailed making calls to customers on the company database and asking them a set of questions from a questionnaire, and informing them of new or available products and services. Due to the range and volume of outbound calls, I spoke to nut-jobs and some of the weirdest people in the U.K.

I remember calling a customer number, and a very gruff man picked up the phone. He hardly allowed me introduce myself and my mission before he launched into a tirade:

Me: Hello. My name is Esco, and I am calling from X Company. We are conducting a market research, and would be grateful if you could spare 5 minutes of your time to answer….

Crazy man: What?? Why the fuck are you calling my home? Who gave you my number…

Me: I apologize if I caught you at a wrong time. I….

Crazy Man: Who sent you to call me. It was my ex-wife, wasn’t it? Why, that bitch! It was my ex-wife, wasn’t it!!!!!

 Me (now fearing for his ex-wife): Nah chill, it wasn’t her. Actually…

Crazy Man: Who sent you then?

Me: Nobody sent me…

Crazy Man: If nobody sent you, then why did you call?

Good question. I had no answer to that, so he put down the receiver. Not gently though.

BBM chain message sender, if you have nothing better to do, please put your BB down gently.

  • During the reign of Ivan The Terrible in 16th century Russia, a tax was imposed on any man who wanted to grow or keep a beard. Yes, you paid your weight in roubles/gold if you decided you wanted to sport a goatee or gemu or Ricky Ross (this was a status symbol).

I think this tax should be imposed in Nigeria – it will swell our government’s coffers and deter some of our fashionista wanna-bes too.

Have you seen the Oliver De Coque-esce or Ojukwu-ish beards on some fellas recently? Rick Ross done cause bad thing for Nigeria.

This also goes to females carrying huge hair follicles on their heads in the name of attachment or weaves. Nope, I have not joined the league of Brazilian weave bashers – far from it; that is an over flogged issue, and it doesn’t bother chaps anyway (as far as we are not paying for it). But my only issue is when the hair starts to wear the girl, as opposed to the girl wearing the hair. If you are lekpa, don’t wear an orobo bundle of weave. If you have a mama iyabo hair-line, stay away. If you have Frosties flakes kind of dandruff, disregard these weaves. If you are a smallie, please quit wearing a weave that is almost taller than you, that it reaches your ankle. You are not the Little Mermaid. Or the Small Mammy-water.

 

You can shuffle up the cards I’ma learn the deck/
When I do the game is mine , man I’m aiming high/

Beanie Sigel (Stop, Chill, 2001)

The Pounded Yam And Pure Water Awards (8)

Nice...

KUDOS:

  • Karen won Big Brother Amplified yesterday. Twitter was agog with comments ranging from the hilarious to the outright ridiculous. Someone said that BBA must stand for Big Breast Awards for Karen to have won. Another person congratulated her for adding $200,000 to Nigeria’s economy. She should expect plenty of FFFs (Friends for Fame/Food). Truth be told, I don’t/didn’t  watch the show so I can’t say more. Nuff said.
  • The US NASA recently ended a phase of their space program with the return and safe landing of the Atlantis Space Shuttle from outer space. Wetin concern monkey with rain coat abi?

Well, in 1998 Nigeria constituted a body called the Nigerian Space Research and Development Agency (NASRDA) to oversee space science, technology and travel into space. Not to knock our enterprising spirit or the great scientific minds we have in this country, but how can we purport to send a man into outer space or put an astronaut on the moon, when we can’t even put the right man in Aso Rock. Booooo..

The Russians started out with test experiments by sending a dog first before they sent their first astronaut Yuri Gagarin to orbit the earth. Good luck nna doggy dog.

  • Egg, Bacon and Cheese Melt Sandwich from Pride of Eden…Heavenly Foods, Ikota VGC. Longer-throat like you. Ha ha. 

Shame

JUDO:

  • The JLO and Marc Anthony divorce. Normally I don’t give a shit about stuff like this, but a part of me (my Nigerian and Igbo side) wanted J-Lo to win with this marriage. How can someone so attractive and successful not have a man that she prepares night food for?  It is funny because her first husband Ojani Noa said she was so beautiful; he could drink her bath water. Depends on the soap.

What is going on with marriages these days, biko nu? I am a fella, and people expect our attitude to divorce to be “wreck it, buy a new one” but I hate to see good relationships fail.  Naija is even catching the bug, as if things are not messed up as it is. We now have to deal with the break-down of the family unit which is the first corner stone to nation building. Everywhere there is news about how Baba Bisi poured acid on Mama Bisi, or how some wife beheaded her hubby’s member with a machete after they had a row.

In Nigeria someone like J-Lo would never have been divorced. Heck, she may not have been married in the first place. She would probably be a high class runs girl, or a concubine to some wealthy magnate, or a kept woman bamboozled by one really higher up politician. Or she may be one of those self-indulgent lasses with her head in the clouds, unable to marry because she is choosy and doesn’t want a mere mortal. The problem with Nigeria is that once a girl looks a bit attractive, toasters and pervy older men begin to inundate her with cash offers and gifts. It can mess a girl’s head up. Many really beautiful girls in Nigeria are aware of that fact from a tender age, and are programmed to use their beauty as a bargaining tool for the highest (richest) bidder. Sorry my female readers but tis tres’ true. The exception might be if they are properly exposed, educated or from wealthy backgrounds.

No matter how physically attractive a chick is, a man (one man) has to marry her and live with her one day.

Contrast that with Yankee or Jand where many really hot girls don’t even know their strength. In Jand, a guy I know, Aniete, once sat down next to this Greek girl in class. This girl, let us call her, Athena, was a Greek goddess. She had long black hair, perfect olive skin, green eyes and the nicest curves ever. All the guys in the class were checking her out seriously. This chick looked like a mix of Selma Hayek and Zulay Henao. Google them.

Aniete and this chick made small talk, and ran into each other a couple of times in other classes. They then became reading mates, meeting at the library and other spots to study and work on assignments and projects together.  They were starting to really fancy each other.

Then one day, the chick asked Aniete “Do you think I am a beautiful?”

Aniete swallowed ten times. He felt like using a cutlass to swear an oath, but he held himself “I think you look amazing.”

Athena smiled as she blushed “I was afraid that you would not find me attractive”

Aniete wanted to scream in pidgin: You de craze? My brain dey scatter as I dey look you so.

But he answered calmly “Oh don’t be silly. You are a work of art”

How could this chick not see that she was awesome? What is it with this oyibo chicks sef?

And this is not absolving menfolk or Marc Anthony of any blame.

  • The Governor of Imo State appointed 94 cabinet members including a Chief Comedian of the State. This is not a new thing – in medieval times in England, the monarch had a court jester to entertain him and the court (like Timothy Claypole of Rent-a-Ghost). The people of Imo state are not laughing though.
  • People who talk or react tactlessly without knowing the bare facts of the issue at hand. I find that this is becoming common place in Nigeria. People just blurt out their un-needed opinion without being properly informed about a situation.

I will give a weird example. Who can remember Sunday Rendezvous, a popular dance show on Nigerian TV in the 80s and early 90s? The show was anchored by a sequin jacket, red bow tie wearing, heavily Jeri-curled showman type fella called Prince 2000. He used to cajole the audience into clapping by shouting “Hit me, hit me, hit me” during dance breaks.

Contestants would dance, and be picked off one by one until there were only 2 dancers left. Since the show was sponsored by the makers of Limca/ Gold Spot, a soft drinks company, Prince 2000 would make the remaining two contestants play a drinking game to determine the winner. Sweating and out of the breath, the contestants would be handed a bottle of Limca each with straws and whoever finished their drink first would be declared the winner for that week. The prizes were usually branded Limca umbrellas (sometimes given out during the hot Nigerian summer) or face-caps with Limca written everywhere.

However before handing the winner his prize, Prince 2K would ask the contestant what he felt about the taste of Limca. You would normally hear ridiculous adjectives like “Supepe (superb)”, “beautiful”, “exciting”, “delicious” from the contestants.

There was this one contestant, who having been asked by Prince what he felt about Limca, answered enthusiastically “The taste of Limca is very stupendous.”

Prince 2000’s face dropped, and he quickly withdrew the microphone from the winner, as he shoved him off the stage without giving him his prize “Ok that is alright Mr. man. Get off the stage and go back to your seat.”

The winner’s perceived crime? Prince 2000 thought that “stupendous” meant “stupid”.

Oh by the way, I think NEPA/PHCN is  really stupendous.

Laugh Wan Kill Me Die For Here (LWKMDFH)

Hardy Ha Ha...


I would like to think that I have a great sense of humor. If you tell a good joke, you can rest assured that I would bless your efforts with laughter. I do like to wind down and have a laugh with friends and family. But I also prefer to read or watch material that is witty, intelligent, and original. Yep, I do get those sarcastic dry layered (as in not wet) jokes too, like the ones Britons tell.

And I am not just talking about English stand up or mainstream comedians. Watching James Bond movies, you are likely to hear some very witty punch-lines in 007’s dialogues. Like when Q (the weapons expert) was showing Sean Connery how to use one of his new inventions, a bomb alarm clock, which as he instructed “You are not likely to wake up if the alarm goes off.”

Ricky Gervais is hella hilarious as well – that is one of the funniest guys alive. Anyone who has the bottle to insult the cream of Hollywood with hard-hitting jokes at a major awards ceremony, but still get Robert “Raging Bull” De Niro to giggle uncontrollably like a child deserves a pat on the back. Read about the jokes here.

I really enjoy British comedy – I really do. Peter Kay and Graham Norton are beasts. I am not just name-dropping, I actually do watch them. No awards for that. Some Naija people had never even heard of Amy Winehouse, but it was funny to see how quickly they jumped on the twitter bandwagon this past week. Rest in peace Camden Princess.

Me dad was a comedy buff as well as one of the funniest guys ever. He used to tape the Benny Hill Show though he didn’t let us watch it because that dude was a bit dirty (Benny Hill not my dad).

There is a difference between funny and irritating. I used to have my chin in my palms watching “Some Mothers Do Have Em.” Frank Spencer is rather irritating – destructive vandalism isn’t amusing at all. Mr. Bean tries, but I find that the studio audience prompts me to find the comedic value agreeable. Oh, and I don’t think Chris Rock is all that either. His high pitched voice doesn’t equate to funny, though Everybody Hates Chris was a very very good show. It was probably because he just added voice-overs and wasn’t in it. I find Terry Crews a better comic act in films than Chris Rock. There I said it. Print that.

Nigerian comedians have held it down for years. In fact they kept it going when music was having a hiatus and in the pre-Living In Bondage Nollywood years. I remember our mai-guard buying and playing one of those Zebrudaya comedy cassettes, playing it on his transistor deck, and laughing in Hausa-Fulani. Clarus and Gringory were really funny, but Chief Zebrudaya was a cut above in his weird English “Adam and Eve are walk in the nakedness of nude. Are you were.” Or “Fa fa fa foul”

Oke Bakassi is another really hilarious chap. He just says the weirdest things ever, and they come out as comedy gold. In a movie, he was in a beer parlor with his cohorts when policemen came to arrest him. Warning the policeman, he threatened “Officer if you touch anyone here, you will lose your uniform.”

In the movie Endtime, where he played a crooked church agent working for fake miracles pastor Clem Ohameze (Pastor Weaver). During a worship session in church, he pretended that he was an agent from then underworld sent to kill the pastor and deceive his ministry. He was apprehended by the church ushers and brought to the front of the church to be questioned by the powerful pastor. The following exchanged ensued:

Pastor: Who sent you here, demon?

Okey Bakassi: Pastor you are lucky o. I was sent here from hell to come and destroy you but the Satan is a devil sha.

When Okey Bakassi and Nkem Owoh were combined in a movie, it was in the classic Nollywood blockbuster “Pam Pam”. This movie contained more funny parts than Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys. Pam Pam should be archived and placed in the Nigerian National Film Registry (if we have one). Failing that, every Nigerian movie buff should have a copy (original one o).

One of my best scenes was when the 2 guys who played good-for-nothings looking for big money schemes met a set of twin sisters who were from wealthy homes. They chatted the ladies up, so the ladies invited them over.

They were in the ladies’ bedroom chilling and eating ‘chicken’ when the girls’ father suddenly came back home and caught them. Their father was a rich looking, chief character, and was angry to see his pets with 2 unsavory gold-diggers. Okey Bakassi and Nkem started trying to formulate lies. Here was the conversation:

Chief: Young men, what are doing in my house with my daughters. What do you even do for a living?

Nkem Owoh: Sorry sir. I am a carver of hair follicles.

Chief: Carver of what? I will slap you now o

Nkem Owoh: Sorry, I meant that I am a barber

From  Nights of a Thousand Laughs to Crack Ya Ribs, we have comedians doing their thing. For a mere pittance, you can watch established comedians perform on a stage, at a show that may start late, and in a hall filled past its capacity that it may constitute a fire hazard. If that isn’t funny, I don’t know what is. By the way AY is really doing something different with his TV show, and the concepts behind it. No resting on elbows.

And comedians are now hired to anchor events. In fact, we have taken a huge step from asking bitter or old school relatives to MC our weddings to hiring boring tribute bands to perform chopped and screwed washed up hits that bore everyone at the reception to now paying for comedians to at least make the business of getting married easier to swallow for all concerned. I have been at weddings where the comedian MC did a good job of making everybody laugh – including the unserved, the jealous unmarried friends, the scorned exes of the couple and even future wicked mother-in-law.

Do Nigerians enjoy comedy because it creates an escape portal from the myriad of problems in our national life? Is comedy the new opium of the Nigerian masses, a bait to stymie our attentions, while crooked politicians laugh all the way to the bank with treasury loot? I think not. I think we do comedy very well because generally we are happy, humorous people. Look around you, get down from your car and take a walk on a Lagos street and you are bound to see enough material for a book, film or blog. To think that this particular blog is centered on ordinary everyday happenings in Nigeria is a moot example. So I wonder why our movies are not more original, and cannot seem to escape the tried and tired themes of boobs for bucks, banal superstition and blackberry babes. Even the actions and inactions of our leaders provide enough material for a quirky comedy if not for a horror movie. I don’t know what is funnier than legislators coming to blows over Ghana-Must-Go bags or a governor’s apologetic plea to Boko Haram.

From Samanja, to Papa Aluwe, to Halo Halo and Fawlty Towers, Nigerian TV has always had comedies. Even when our movies lose the plot generally with the script or storylines or bad acting, they still make you laugh at the pitiful attempt.

However, there is a step Nollywood must take when making comedies. And that is to get the small parts of dialogues right. A lot of the exchanges in our movies are uninspiring and outright flat in delivery. There is no use of wit or sarcasm, to make our storylines build up with dynamism. The monotone, with which some acts drone out their lines, and the unimaginative nature of the script, makes it look like Nigerians in general are simpletons. No, we do get it. People in this country were brought up with some well written comedy shows like Basi and Company, New Masquerade and even Icho Kwu (the one with the Igbo court clerk and oyibo judge). I watched Basi & Company recently and marveled at how well the script was written. Of course it was written by the late playwright – Ken Saro Wiwa. It was original, the characters were deep and interesting and different, and it was funny. Trivia: did you know it had a book series?

Some days ago I was browsing YouTube, looking for the football match where Liverpool were trounced 3 – 0 by a smaller team, when I discovered a video, chronicling all of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s movie punch lines and quips. You know I really like Schwarzzo and was rooting for him even during his recent tabloid quibbles. I have always preferred the Terminator to Rambo (Stallone) even if I must confess that Stallone is the better, more technical actor. However Schwarzzo’s magic is his effortless charm, and the little quips he drops in movies, which are less than the sum of their parts.

Please enjoy this video of the Ex- Governator’s wise-cracks in past movies. Watch for scene 2.11. I enjoyed it…

Finally my take: The funniest guys in the world?

Nigerian – Okey Bakassi, Seyi Law, Alarm Blow, (his face alone), Dauda, John Okafor.

Foreign – Martin Lawrence, Mike Epps,  Chris Tucker, Terry Crews, Ricky Gervais, Graham Norton, Mario Cantone, John Witherspoon., Kevin James, James Spade.

Please name yours – and no, Esco does not count. Lol.